Is it too late for me to ever feel taken care of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

Because it is inherently irritating to hear an adult say they want to be babied. It is an absurdity that cannot happen. The "need" you are expressing is is one you can live without because it doesn't exist in reality.

No one said they want to be babied. That's you putting words in OP's mouth to fit your narrative.

That you are irritated by any of this, which doesn't even involve you, says more about your own issues than OP's. But you can't recognize this so you tell a thoughtful, self-aware person struggling with a personal issue to "get over it" and "move on." Interesting.

She has no choice but to move on. No one will.be her mom or dad. She tries to make it happen sneakily and it doesn't work and people are irritated and pushed away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

*slow clap* you nailed it. Smug a$$holes like PP must not be all that happy in life either if they need to come on to these threads to punch down on people like OP.

I’m trying to help the op realize she’s in the driver’s seat here.

If people insist upon waiting for others to read their mind and magically make them a positive person, you do you.

ICYMI: nobody likes a whiner. And fixating on this won’t help you change the way you feel.

Except OP did not whine, is not asking anyone to solve her problem, and posted here in an effort to get ideas for resolving it herself. She even says something like "do I have to just let this go?" indicating she recognizes there may not really be a solution.

The whiny people on this thread are the ones who are irrationally angry that a total stranger is thinking about how her childhood impacts her mental health and looking to address issues so that she can live a better life.

Ok.

But she is looking at this through a negative lens and hasn’t articulated what she needs to check this box and feel better.

^^^
That requires self reflection…a very different kind of self reflection.

If the op has a sibling, maybe they can provide candid feedback and support?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tell us exactly what you want, op?

If you can’t articulate it, we can’t help you.

Try making a list of all the nice thing your spouse does for you and your family. Maybe that will help you recognize all he does to care for you.

And if you can clearly articulate a few things your family can do to make you feel cared for, tell them.

“Guys, here’s what would make me feel happy and appreciated for Mother’s Day: blah blah blah.”

To any other adult this is going to sound like "mommy pick me up!". Just leave the words "care" or "crave" out--if you are of sound mind and body enough to say I need care in this way (unless for medical issue) all you are doing is making people puppets for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

Because it is inherently irritating to hear an adult say they want to be babied. It is an absurdity that cannot happen. The "need" you are expressing is is one you can live without because it doesn't exist in reality.

No one said they want to be babied. That's you putting words in OP's mouth to fit your narrative.

That you are irritated by any of this, which doesn't even involve you, says more about your own issues than OP's. But you can't recognize this so you tell a thoughtful, self-aware person struggling with a personal issue to "get over it" and "move on." Interesting.

She has no choice but to move on. No one will.be her mom or dad. She tries to make it happen sneakily and it doesn't work and people are irritated and pushed away.

This is 100% you projecting. Nothing OP says indicates this, and actually my read from her posts is that she probably focuses too much on caring for others and does not ask for others to meet even basic needs. It's the opposite of the problem you are describing, which sounds like a problem in YOUR life.

[Anonymous]

OP. Go to your local animal shelter and adopt a dog that has been abused. That dog will live and die for you and give you unconditional love . No one is going to baby you for the obvious reason that you are not a baby. You are an adult and you should be loved as adult! Some professional help would be good for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

Because it is inherently irritating to hear an adult say they want to be babied. It is an absurdity that cannot happen. The "need" you are expressing is is one you can live without because it doesn't exist in reality.

No one said they want to be babied. That's you putting words in OP's mouth to fit your narrative.

That you are irritated by any of this, which doesn't even involve you, says more about your own issues than OP's. But you can't recognize this so you tell a thoughtful, self-aware person struggling with a personal issue to "get over it" and "move on." Interesting.

She has no choice but to move on. No one will.be her mom or dad. She tries to make it happen sneakily and it doesn't work and people are irritated and pushed away.

This is 100% you projecting. Nothing OP says indicates this, and actually my read from her posts is that she probably focuses too much on caring for others and does not ask for others to meet even basic needs. It's the opposite of the problem you are describing, which sounds like a problem in YOUR life.

DP

Or perhaps some of us recognize this sort of thinking/behavior?

I have a handful of siblings and all but one of us feel like we had loving parents who did a good job caring for us. One sibling—the self-centered one—has a skewed perception of reality. Why? Because they center everything through themselves: how it impacts them, how they feel, etc.

Guess what? This sibling is never pleased with whatever her husband and kids do for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, etc. Why? Because people who take their need and feelings too seriously tend to attribute far too much weight to such things. They’ll never be happy. It’s in their head. They need to shift their mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

Because it is inherently irritating to hear an adult say they want to be babied. It is an absurdity that cannot happen. The "need" you are expressing is is one you can live without because it doesn't exist in reality.

No one said they want to be babied. That's you putting words in OP's mouth to fit your narrative.

That you are irritated by any of this, which doesn't even involve you, says more about your own issues than OP's. But you can't recognize this so you tell a thoughtful, self-aware person struggling with a personal issue to "get over it" and "move on." Interesting.

She has no choice but to move on. No one will.be her mom or dad. She tries to make it happen sneakily and it doesn't work and people are irritated and pushed away.

This is 100% you projecting. Nothing OP says indicates this, and actually my read from her posts is that she probably focuses too much on caring for others and does not ask for others to meet even basic needs. It's the opposite of the problem you are describing, which sounds like a problem in YOUR life.

This tit for tat pocket watching is the problem. I care for so and so in this way, I am cared for in this way, bit I am not cared for in this way. Just live, and stop measuring "care".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

Because it is inherently irritating to hear an adult say they want to be babied. It is an absurdity that cannot happen. The "need" you are expressing is is one you can live without because it doesn't exist in reality.

No one said they want to be babied. That's you putting words in OP's mouth to fit your narrative.

That you are irritated by any of this, which doesn't even involve you, says more about your own issues than OP's. But you can't recognize this so you tell a thoughtful, self-aware person struggling with a personal issue to "get over it" and "move on." Interesting.

She has no choice but to move on. No one will.be her mom or dad. She tries to make it happen sneakily and it doesn't work and people are irritated and pushed away.

This is 100% you projecting. Nothing OP says indicates this, and actually my read from her posts is that she probably focuses too much on caring for others and does not ask for others to meet even basic needs. It's the opposite of the problem you are describing, which sounds like a problem in YOUR life.

DP

Or perhaps some of us recognize this sort of thinking/behavior?

I have a handful of siblings and all but one of us feel like we had loving parents who did a good job caring for us. One sibling—the self-centered one—has a skewed perception of reality. Why? Because they center everything through themselves: how it impacts them, how they feel, etc.

Guess what? This sibling is never pleased with whatever her husband and kids do for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, etc. Why? Because people who take their need and feelings too seriously tend to attribute far too much weight to such things. They’ll never be happy. It’s in their head. They need to shift their mindset.

Again, total projecting. You are caught up in this drama with your sibling that has nothing to do with OP.

Go start your own thread instead of taking your frustrations out here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

Because it is inherently irritating to hear an adult say they want to be babied. It is an absurdity that cannot happen. The "need" you are expressing is is one you can live without because it doesn't exist in reality.

No one said they want to be babied. That's you putting words in OP's mouth to fit your narrative.

That you are irritated by any of this, which doesn't even involve you, says more about your own issues than OP's. But you can't recognize this so you tell a thoughtful, self-aware person struggling with a personal issue to "get over it" and "move on." Interesting.

She has no choice but to move on. No one will.be her mom or dad. She tries to make it happen sneakily and it doesn't work and people are irritated and pushed away.

This is 100% you projecting. Nothing OP says indicates this, and actually my read from her posts is that she probably focuses too much on caring for others and does not ask for others to meet even basic needs. It's the opposite of the problem you are describing, which sounds like a problem in YOUR life.

This tit for tat pocket watching is the problem. I care for so and so in this way, I am cared for in this way, bit I am not cared for in this way. Just live, and stop measuring "care".

What was described is not "tit for tat." Its an unbalanced situation generally and is not about individual acts of care but just someone broadly getting less than they give.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

Because it is inherently irritating to hear an adult say they want to be babied. It is an absurdity that cannot happen. The "need" you are expressing is is one you can live without because it doesn't exist in reality.

No one said they want to be babied. That's you putting words in OP's mouth to fit your narrative.

That you are irritated by any of this, which doesn't even involve you, says more about your own issues than OP's. But you can't recognize this so you tell a thoughtful, self-aware person struggling with a personal issue to "get over it" and "move on." Interesting.

She has no choice but to move on. No one will.be her mom or dad. She tries to make it happen sneakily and it doesn't work and people are irritated and pushed away.

This is 100% you projecting. Nothing OP says indicates this, and actually my read from her posts is that she probably focuses too much on caring for others and does not ask for others to meet even basic needs. It's the opposite of the problem you are describing, which sounds like a problem in YOUR life.

This tit for tat pocket watching is the problem. I care for so and so in this way, I am cared for in this way, bit I am not cared for in this way. Just live, and stop measuring "care".

What was described is not "tit for tat." Its an unbalanced situation generally and is not about individual acts of care but just someone broadly getting less than they give.

It isn't an unbalance, it is just something that doesn't need to be measured. Especially when you get married and have kids. If you wanted to be doted on like a child, stay single and find a dog, or stay single and put an ad out on the internet saying you will pay someone to spoil you. These are your only two options.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

Because it is inherently irritating to hear an adult say they want to be babied. It is an absurdity that cannot happen. The "need" you are expressing is is one you can live without because it doesn't exist in reality.

No one said they want to be babied. That's you putting words in OP's mouth to fit your narrative.

That you are irritated by any of this, which doesn't even involve you, says more about your own issues than OP's. But you can't recognize this so you tell a thoughtful, self-aware person struggling with a personal issue to "get over it" and "move on." Interesting.

She has no choice but to move on. No one will.be her mom or dad. She tries to make it happen sneakily and it doesn't work and people are irritated and pushed away.

This is 100% you projecting. Nothing OP says indicates this, and actually my read from her posts is that she probably focuses too much on caring for others and does not ask for others to meet even basic needs. It's the opposite of the problem you are describing, which sounds like a problem in YOUR life.

DP

Or perhaps some of us recognize this sort of thinking/behavior?

I have a handful of siblings and all but one of us feel like we had loving parents who did a good job caring for us. One sibling—the self-centered one—has a skewed perception of reality. Why? Because they center everything through themselves: how it impacts them, how they feel, etc.

Guess what? This sibling is never pleased with whatever her husband and kids do for her birthday, Mother’s Day, Christmas, etc. Why? Because people who take their need and feelings too seriously tend to attribute far too much weight to such things. They’ll never be happy. It’s in their head. They need to shift their mindset.

Again, total projecting. You are caught up in this drama with your sibling that has nothing to do with OP.

Go start your own thread instead of taking your frustrations out here.

Sigh.

You are exhausting.

Guess what? I’m 50. I’ve lived life and know people who skew negative. Some are relatives, some are friends, some are coworkers.

I also know people who skew positive. They are resilient. They roll with the punches. They don’t really stew over the past and they make their own happiness. They recognize what their loved ones do for them and they look past any shortcomings. And they aren’t in therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

Because it is inherently irritating to hear an adult say they want to be babied. It is an absurdity that cannot happen. The "need" you are expressing is is one you can live without because it doesn't exist in reality.

No one said they want to be babied. That's you putting words in OP's mouth to fit your narrative.

That you are irritated by any of this, which doesn't even involve you, says more about your own issues than OP's. But you can't recognize this so you tell a thoughtful, self-aware person struggling with a personal issue to "get over it" and "move on." Interesting.

She has no choice but to move on. No one will.be her mom or dad. She tries to make it happen sneakily and it doesn't work and people are irritated and pushed away.

This is 100% you projecting. Nothing OP says indicates this, and actually my read from her posts is that she probably focuses too much on caring for others and does not ask for others to meet even basic needs. It's the opposite of the problem you are describing, which sounds like a problem in YOUR life.

This tit for tat pocket watching is the problem. I care for so and so in this way, I am cared for in this way, bit I am not cared for in this way. Just live, and stop measuring "care".

What was described is not "tit for tat." Its an unbalanced situation generally and is not about individual acts of care but just someone broadly getting less than they give.

It isn't an unbalance, it is just something that doesn't need to be measured. Especially when you get married and have kids. If you wanted to be doted on like a child, stay single and find a dog, or stay single and put an ad out on the internet saying you will pay someone to spoil you. These are your only two options.

+1

Ftr, I know women whose husbands are very helpful and loving in obvious ways yet these women still criticize. It’s never enough.

[Anonymous]

OP is not exactly a ringing endorsement of the effectiveness of therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is not exactly a ringing endorsement of the effectiveness of therapy.

Uh, a person who was abused and neglected as a child who becomes an adult in their 40s/50s with a functional family, with no apparent abuse or neglect in their marriage or parenting, is like the pinnacle of success from a mental health perspective. It doesn't get much better than that. So OP still struggles a bit with what was missing from her dysfunctional childhood? Thinks about it calmly and looks for solutions? Again, this is a success story.

What exactly are you looking for here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is not exactly a ringing endorsement of the effectiveness of therapy.

Uh, a person who was abused and neglected as a child who becomes an adult in their 40s/50s with a functional family, with no apparent abuse or neglect in their marriage or parenting, is like the pinnacle of success from a mental health perspective. It doesn't get much better than that. So OP still struggles a bit with what was missing from her dysfunctional childhood? Thinks about it calmly and looks for solutions? Again, this is a success story.

What exactly are you looking for here?

An adult?