Is it too late for me to ever feel taken care of?

[Anonymous]

^Just word vomit. Ignore her, OP. Loving families love their mothers back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you have a close group of friends?

I have some close friends, yes. I can talk to them about serious things and they are there for me if I ask. But I think I self-selected for the people in my life to be kind of self-contained and not the sort to overtly care for friends. Again, because earlier in adulthood I found that behavior so foreign I didn't trust it. I assumed if someone was very caring towards me, it was a lie. I now understand it's not that. I do have one friend who was like that towards me early in our friendship but learned not to be that way because it made me edgy and she respected my boundaries (a great friend!).

But I'm in a different place now and wish I had this experience but it's like a prior version of me arranged my life to ensure no one else takes care of me. I don't know how to undo that.

You treat others how you wish to be treated. If you want them to show up for you, you show up for them. Also, you're not too old to make new friends - so you could start new friendships with your new set of values and that might be a bit easier. Take a weekly class, volunteer for an hour a week, etc.

[Anonymous]

Op, wrong approach. You need to drop this: I find myself thinking about how I've never really felt taken care of, and how this still impacts meto think you need taking care of

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to let it go. At fifty this is weird. Are you going to carry this with you into your 80s? Read the Bhagavad Gita and learn to accept and move on.

Simple but good advice and straightforward. You only get one life, why would you waste it on past transgressions. I remember reading once that a granddaughter asked her grandmother who had survived the Holocaust, how was she able to move on, live a life after such tragedy? The grandmother said, she had a future to live and she lived only for the present and the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^Just word vomit. Ignore her, OP. Loving families love their mothers back.

Loving your parent is one thing, repairing her childhood needs is quite another.

[Anonymous]

It sounds weird when you say 'taken care of'. I think that emotional support, if that's what you're looking for, is different. It can require vulnerablility and emotional intimacy. It is also a two way street - you have to be a good friend and offer emotional support if you also want to receive it. You can learn to ask for what you need, but honestly, most people have figured it out by your age. Maybe join a women's group at your church or something to be around people that might be more nurturing.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like you need marriage counseling

[Anonymous]

I have a similar history as you OP, and I’m not really sure that you can ever fill that needing to be cared for empty feeling. Because we really needed to receive it when we were young and since we didn’t our brains formed patterns that hold onto the loss. I’ve done reparenting workbooks and therapy, and while it is slightly helpful it doesn’t really seem to make the feeling of loss go away. So I really try to not let myself think about it, mostly by keeping myself busy and in the present. And I’m trying to accept that this is the way that my life will be and try to shape my kids so that they have a different life experience.

[Anonymous]

OP have you ever had the opportunity to take care of someone else? It is rewarding and it helps a person shed the need to be the cared for person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^Just word vomit. Ignore her, OP. Loving families love their mothers back.

Loving your parent is one thing, repairing her childhood needs is quite another.

+10000 (NP)

[Anonymous]

My mother sounds like you, OP. Never cared for by her parents and expected to be self-sufficient at a young age. She married my father for his stability and competence but he would probably have been diagnosed with Aspergers if there had been such a thing when he was growing up. It all came to a head in midlife and she clung onto us, her four children, to give her the love and caretaking she never got from the other adults in her life. It was unhealthy and you should look up family or mother enmeshment for information. More therapy and making connections with other adults your age are the best options since you don’t want to divorce your husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you ever had the opportunity to take care of someone else? It is rewarding and it helps a person shed the need to be the cared for person.

She is the caretaker for her family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You need to let it go. At fifty this is weird. Are you going to carry this with you into your 80s? Read the Bhagavad Gita and learn to accept and move on.

As$hole. No.

How old are your children? It is not unfitting for one or more of them to take this nurturing role toward you as they enter adulthood. It might be something to talk about with your husband and them at the appropriate age.

I've had extended family who doted on and cared for their very appreciative mothers and it is a beautiful thing to see.

NO! You do not dump your crap on your children. They deserve to live their lives and not carry your guilt around, as evidence just read some of the disasters that are adults on these boards. Most of them work very hard to shield their children from childhood memories that aren't pleasant and they CHOOSE to move forward in a positive light for their own mental health. Op is tuck in self pity mode and has clearly chosen to be this way for her entire adult life. Poor pitiful me, no one pays enough attention to me. I think it's great Op had therapy but if this is where you are at age 40 or 50, find a new therapist. Op's husband clearly walks on eggshells which is why he chooses not to be too emotional around OP but he did marry her so there's love in that marriage. Op needs to choose better with how she sees herself and stop asking others to fix her.

OP here and this is completely inaccurate, which you would know if you'd read my posts. I told PPs specifically that because I know what it's like to have my parents lean on me for all their emotional needs as a child, I am very careful not to do the same thing to my own kids and to be a source of stability and care for them and not ask them to do it for me.

Your response is rude and shows you failed to actually read my posts, plus you are clearly projecting a bunch of your own issues onto my situation as you have absolutely no idea what my husband is like or what he thinks. Your are just speculating wildly.

Have a good day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP have you ever had the opportunity to take care of someone else? It is rewarding and it helps a person shed the need to be the cared for person.

I am a mother of two children and take care of them every day, yes. I also spent years caring for my parents. I also volunteered with kids for many years, coaching at a camp and providing reading tutoring.

I think caring for others can be healing but no I do not think it replaces the need to feel cared for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mother sounds like you, OP. Never cared for by her parents and expected to be self-sufficient at a young age. She married my father for his stability and competence but he would probably have been diagnosed with Aspergers if there had been such a thing when he was growing up. It all came to a head in midlife and she clung onto us, her four children, to give her the love and caretaking she never got from the other adults in her life. It was unhealthy and you should look up family or mother enmeshment for information. More therapy and making connections with other adults your age are the best options since you don’t want to divorce your husband.

OP here. I am very familiar with enmeshment and the problems that arise from parents becoming emotionally dependent on their kids. This is the story of my childhood.

I do not think my husband is on the spectrum. He's just the silent type. He has many good qualities and is a good father and we have a good relationship. But he does not fill this particular need, which I think not everyone has because not everyone has the same history of abuse/neglect that I do. I have no interest in divorcing him -- creating a stable, functional family is the greatest accomplishment of my life.