Is it too late for me to ever feel taken care of?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Be careful what you wish for. If you get an illness or disease, someone will take care of you, and you wouldn't want that. So just be happy you don't really need to be taken care of. Also you must be forgetting ways in which you were cared for. Someone probably changed your diaper and taught you how to eat solid food. Someone paid for the roof over your head.

Exactly. OP is a professional victim.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you ever had the opportunity to take care of someone else? It is rewarding and it helps a person shed the need to be the cared for person.

I am a mother of two children and take care of them every day, yes. I also spent years caring for my parents. I also volunteered with kids for many years, coaching at a camp and providing reading tutoring.

I think caring for others can be healing but no I do not think it replaces the need to feel cared for.

It doesn't replace that need, but it can shift your focus away from it, for sure. You probably need some talk therapy and some SSRIs.

No one is going to be your mommy or daddy, especially if you have kids. From an outsiders perspective it is like adopting a whole family--a needy adult and all their kids? The prospect is overwhelming. You need to let it go.

[Anonymous]

op, I had an unexpected experience soon after I had my first child and the three of us (dh) and I cuddled together for the first time I almost felt a physical click in my chest where it felt like a part of my heart that had been broken in childhood was healed. I think the more love you give the more you feel loved. I hope you find that healing peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP have you ever had the opportunity to take care of someone else? It is rewarding and it helps a person shed the need to be the cared for person.

I am a mother of two children and take care of them every day, yes. I also spent years caring for my parents. I also volunteered with kids for many years, coaching at a camp and providing reading tutoring.

I think caring for others can be healing but no I do not think it replaces the need to feel cared for.

It doesn't replace that need, but it can shift your focus away from it, for sure. You probably need some talk therapy and some SSRIs.

No one is going to be your mommy or daddy, especially if you have kids. From an outsiders perspective it is like adopting a whole family--a needy adult and all their kids? The prospect is overwhelming. You need to let it go.

I don't think it is possible to "let go" of needing this kind of love and validation. I would never expect another person to fill that void, but I also don't think it will just go away if you ignore it.

[Anonymous]

What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

[Anonymous]

A lesson you can learn is to be open to it when it comes. As you get older, your children will most likely end up caring for you. Maybe this is your wake up call to let that happen - share with them when you have things going on, don’t fight them when they want to help you make decisions or move into assisted living, etc. some people remain stubborn & can’t let their children assume a more parental role in their lives because it is so uncomfortable for them - maybe this feeling you have now can help you be open to their help as you age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

NP: Thank you for saying this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

*slow clap* you nailed it. Smug a$$holes like PP must not be all that happy in life either if they need to come on to these threads to punch down on people like OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

You glossed over some key points:

1. If you are fixating on your parents’ shortcomings and attributing your current need as an older adult to be cared for, then you really haven’t gotten over it. Nor do you recognize that you were in fact cared for.

2. Rather, you are fixating on your needs and hyper analyzing why you think you feel a certain way.

3. Negative people dwell on the past and fixate on themselves and their feelings and everyone’s shortcomings and how it impacts them.

4. People who need/want/love therapy and going down rabbit holes with someone who centers their feelings and helps them label everything most certainly aren’t living their best lives. They aren’t resilient. And they aren’t developing skills to help them focus on the positive and find ways to make themselves happy.

5. There’s nothing anyone can do to make a person like this feel loved and happy most of the time. They need to recognize the role they play inside their head/mindset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

Because it is inherently irritating to hear an adult say they want to be babied. It is an absurdity that cannot happen. The "need" you are expressing is is one you can live without because it doesn't exist in reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

*slow clap* you nailed it. Smug a$$holes like PP must not be all that happy in life either if they need to come on to these threads to punch down on people like OP.

I’m trying to help the op realize she’s in the driver’s seat here.

If people insist upon waiting for others to read their mind and magically make them a positive person, you do you.

ICYMI: nobody likes a whiner. And fixating on this won’t help you change the way you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

Because it is inherently irritating to hear an adult say they want to be babied. It is an absurdity that cannot happen. The "need" you are expressing is is one you can live without because it doesn't exist in reality.

No one said they want to be babied. That's you putting words in OP's mouth to fit your narrative.

That you are irritated by any of this, which doesn't even involve you, says more about your own issues than OP's. But you can't recognize this so you tell a thoughtful, self-aware person struggling with a personal issue to "get over it" and "move on." Interesting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What do you want, exactly?

I think most adults would be happier if they managed their expectations, communicated clearly, and rolled with the punches. People who dwell on the past or negativity aren’t likely to be happy.

Since you made it to adulthood, recognize that your parents did care for you. Perhaps they didn’t do it well, but someone fed you, clothed you, got you through illnesses, made sure you were educated, etc. Move on from that. Focus on being a good parent yourself.

Tell your husband how you feel and what you need. And ask him how he feels and what he needs. My husband brings me coffee in bed each morning. That is one way he cares for me. But he also takes out the trash and cuts the grass so I don’t have to. That’s another way he cares for me.

I think you need to focus on others and show love. And also do what makes you happy. Instead of ruminating on your feelings and living in your head, go live your life. Do, don’t just think or feel. Live, don’t dwell.

This all sounds okay but is actually meaningless. First off, OP obviously is living and doing -- it sounds like she has a fairly full life with a family and friends. It's not like she's shut up in a closet thinking about her childhood all day.

She also already said she forgives her parents and that her childhood "was what it was." That sounds like someone who has made her peace and accepted those relationships, not someone ruminating on every aspect of them all the time.

So basically OP is already doing everything you recommend, and apparently has for years, but still feels an absence and longing. Likely it's being triggered at the moment by Mothers Day or similar. You've offered nothing of value here except to brag about the stuff your DH does for you.

I'm not trying to pick on you and you probably mean well, but so many responses to threads like this take this form. It sounds like you don't identify with OP's problem, are annoyed at spending time thinking about it (even though no one made you -- you chose to read this thread and comment), and are just telling her "just do what I do, even though I don't deal with your same issues and don't really know what that's like." And the ridiculous thing is OP already does what you recommend!

Just highlighting this to maybe point out to people how useless comments like this are. It sounds fine at first -- you aren't incorrect about anything really. But you don't seem to get what the problem is and found irritated that you "have" to help solve it. You don't, and don't really have any insight that would help anyway.

*slow clap* you nailed it. Smug a$$holes like PP must not be all that happy in life either if they need to come on to these threads to punch down on people like OP.

I’m trying to help the op realize she’s in the driver’s seat here.

If people insist upon waiting for others to read their mind and magically make them a positive person, you do you.

ICYMI: nobody likes a whiner. And fixating on this won’t help you change the way you feel.

Except OP did not whine, is not asking anyone to solve her problem, and posted here in an effort to get ideas for resolving it herself. She even says something like "do I have to just let this go?" indicating she recognizes there may not really be a solution.

The whiny people on this thread are the ones who are irrationally angry that a total stranger is thinking about how her childhood impacts her mental health and looking to address issues so that she can live a better life.

[Anonymous]

Tell us exactly what you want, op?

If you can’t articulate it, we can’t help you.

Try making a list of all the nice thing your spouse does for you and your family. Maybe that will help you recognize all he does to care for you.

And if you can clearly articulate a few things your family can do to make you feel cared for, tell them.

“Guys, here’s what would make me feel happy and appreciated for Mother’s Day: blah blah blah.”