Reply to My marriage is going to break over the little things

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yeah this isn’t about the plate—for either of you.

For you it’s really about your perception that he is rude and/or lazy (because why didn’t he just take the time to get up and put his plate in the sink)
For him, he isn’t actually trying to take a stand re: dirty plates on the sofa. He’s trying to take a stand against you bossing him around, showing disdain for him, and the way in which you approached the issue. 
(FWIW, You aren’t wrong to not want him to leave his “dirty dish” on the sofa—and he isn’t wrong to think it’s not a big deal to leave it there for a few minutes. But all you needed to do is say “sweetheart can you please take your plate to the sink?” Or “please hand me your plate and I’ll take it to the sink…do you want a refill on your water?” Or even “Larla—can you please take everyone’s plates to the sink?”)

It didn’t need to be a huge deal, but you kind of made it one with your approach “are you really going to….?!” Yes. Obviously not only was he ”going to” but he already HAD…and that was clearly WRONG in your eyes. The comment was dripping with judgement and disdain. You may as well have said “are you really stupid and gross?!?!”
And not only was he was hurt by that, he just didn’t feel like the act was that egregious as to warrant such a strong reaction from you.
So he responded in a way that acknowledged that you were clearly expressing that this was a HUGE deal—but he didn’t agree.
Maybe he didn’t think it was a big deal because he hadn’t gotten up from watching TV yet. And as he pointed out—you probably would have scolded him for putting it on the glass table.
Or maybe he was just being a lazy jerk.

But the point is—you didn’t really approach this in a kind way that gave him a graceful out to make you happy. His back was against a wall and he reacted accordingly.

Next time—just try approaching this as if it were a friend you LIKED who did that same thing. Because OP, you kind of approached this as though you are disgusted by him and don’t  care if you hurt his feelings.
[/quote]

OP here, this was helpful, thank you![/quote]

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