Different relationship timelines

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love her?

I think not.

OP here. Very much. Why don’t you think I love her.

I’m sure you would be upset too if you date someone and had the same timeline, only for them to throw a curveball and delay having kids for years. Most women would go mental if the did husbands did that. As a man, I just have to keep quiet and suck it up.

Extremely untrue and extremely unfair.

OP here. It’s true. Women hold more of the decision when it comes to having kids. Most men have to just suck it up until she decides.

Pregnancy will be hard on her because it is for most women. She will not be breastfeeding ( she has stated that she will never do it) but it’s still hard for women more than men.

[Anonymous]

Will she be working while she goes to school? How is she paying for this degree? Waiting 3 more years seems like a stalling tactic. Sorry, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Will she be working while she goes to school? How is she paying for this degree? Waiting 3 more years seems like a stalling tactic. Sorry, OP.

OP here. She will be working PT. She has savings that will pay for the degree.

[Anonymous]

What if you started trying to have kids and couldn't right away and wound up having to wait anyway? Then would you give up on it to avoid being an "old dad"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I do hold some resentment. We were friends before we got together. She knew all of this. It was a big issue in my previous relationship because I was with a younger woman. We got together and I made it clear throughout our relationship my desire to have kids earlier. She was on board until she now decided she isn’t.

NP here. I think the incompatible timelines can be a deal breaker. If you don’t want to break up, I think at a minimum you should both go to pre-marital counseling together. Are there other things that you don’t see the same that are important in marriage? How do the two of you communicate and resolve issues?

I don’t see the problem necessarily being that they were on board until they weren’t. We can have things happen in our lives that change how we think about things and we start to value or prioritize different things. My concern is the process of communicating these things when it impacts your partner/someone you are planning your life with. While there are some things that you can’t compromise on (like having kids or not having kids), there are so many decisions where what I might decide as an individual is different than where we end up as a married couple but it hasn’t been all my way or all my spouse’s way. The big things were not unilateral decisions and we sometimes took time, many discussions, and compromises and that both of us felt like the other truly heard the concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How to navigate this. I wouldn’t end our relationship over something so menial, but how do I come to terms with having to wait?

This isn’t something menial to you. Sounds like she dismissed your concerns. As PP suggested, pre-marital counseling is good idea to work through this issue together.

[Anonymous]

She doesn't have the time to wait but doesn't know it. Even if you started today you mostly likely won't have 2 without intervention.

[Anonymous]

Fwiw I broke up with a guy for wanting to date for 4 years at 30 before he'd even consider getting married. He told me this after we'd be dating for 1.5 years.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like someone that really doesn't want a marriage or kids - or at least not as a priority. She isn't going to want to get an advanced degree and then not grow her career. Kids (pregnancy, mat leaves, infants, toddlers, preschoolers) usually stall careers for women - it isn't a time to grow a career. So you can plan on her wanting to work a few years before having kids after she finishes her career.

And I am concerned she is looking to you to support her going back to school. You have only been together for 15 months but now she is going to live off you while she goes to school. Way too soon for a boyfriend / girlfriend to be covering all costs

Seems more she sees you as a stepping stone - and not as the father of her (possible) children.

You say you don't want to break up and that is your choice but plan to be the one paying all living expenses and not having kids for at least 5-8 year. If that is what you want - then stick around. She has told you what her plans are - using you for financial stability to go to school to advance her education and grow her career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She doesn't have the time to wait but doesn't know it. Even if you started today you mostly likely won't have 2 without intervention.

Right! As she gets older, getting pregnant can get tricky.

[Anonymous]

I am a wife. My same-age husband was not eager to have kids although he agreed to have them, he is a good dad, and we have two healthy teen kids. We put it off a bit too long and then I had trouble getting pregnant with my first. They were born when I was 37 and 39.

I like the recommendation of pre-marital counseling. It could really help. I wanted to say that my husband and I waited too long. We started trying when I was about 35. As a result, we did have some medical interventions and got close to paying for IUI/IVF. As many women on this board can tell you...once you're in that fertility treatment world it's costly, depressing, burdensome on your other time commitments, etc. It's to be avoided if possible.

What I glean from your post is that your partner felt so loved and supported that she started to make other plans to better her life (school). So it might be really hurtful that your kid-related plans seem to be in direct conflict. But are they really? I went to a Top 20 MBA school with 30% women and there were mothers of young children and two women had babies during our program. Now that I've had kids, I understand that it was probably easier to be a mom during school than during a job. So "no kids during school" is an example of an assumption that can be questioned.

On your end, there are some things you can do as the prospective father. One is to get yourself cleared for male factor infertility. The other is to start a savings fund for child care. Perhaps you and your partner can work out an earlier timeline if you can figure out a "both/and" solution.

Somebody once told me "there's no perfect time to have kids" and that about sums it up. I will be recommending to my boys that they consider being earlier to have kids than their parents. But mainly because of the risk of infertility plus the gain of more lifetime with children in one's family. I actually don't place much weight on the "old dad" concern you expressed. From my standpoint, that dividing line is around 50 years old (near 70 when kids graduate from high school). If you are a sporty type, be moderate so that you don't get overuse injuries and wear yourself out early, and you should be fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love her?

I think not.

OP here. Very much. Why don’t you think I love her.

I’m sure you would be upset too if you date someone and had the same timeline, only for them to throw a curveball and delay having kids for years. Most women would go mental if the did husbands did that. As a man, I just have to keep quiet and suck it up.

Extremely untrue and extremely unfair.

OP here. It’s true. Women hold more of the decision when it comes to having kids. Most men have to just suck it up until she decides.

Pregnancy will be hard on her because it is for most women. She will not be breastfeeding ( she has stated that she will never do it) but it’s still hard for women more than men.

Ofc they hold the decision more. They will be the one growing the human. BF has nothing to do with it (I didn't and it still was a huge toll on the body, emotions, etc.) I'm not sure why you think that is unfair??

[Anonymous]

Can you be the primary caregiver of the baby so she can focus on school?

If you can be the main parent then that might relieve her stress about completing a degree and caretaking at the same time. Being pregnant can be hard, it’s harder to focus, you’re much more fatigued, sitting for long periods gets uncomfortable, etc. But if she’s willing to do that, could you take over once the baby is born?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been in a relationship with this amazing woman for the past 15 months. We have made plans to move in together next month and get engaged over the summer. I’ve expressed my interest in settling down verbally and physical actions when we first met, and many times over the course of the relationship as I knew I wanted to marry her. Our plans were move in next month, get married next year, and start trying for a family soon after. She was on the same page this entire but now wants to go and to school for a degree advancement. She has always been on the fence but now feels that our relationship will give her the stability for it. She wants to get married but kids will be pushed back for 2-3 years until she’s done with school.

I love her and want to support her but I don’t want to wait and be an old dad. We are already in our thirties. Do I just suck it up and support her and wait? I’m not breaking up with her over this, and it’s not like I can make her have kids any sooner.

OP, she is obviously using you as her support system while she goes to school. While in school, she will look for better options to trade up from you. Regardless, don't be a patsy. Dump her now and move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How to navigate this. I wouldn’t end our relationship over something so menial, but how do I come to terms with having to wait?

Honestly I was this in reverse bc DH was the one who kept being in grad school and wanted to wait to have kids.

I was very resentful.
We were married 12 years before we had kids and at times I am still angry when I think about how his six year plan turned into a nine-year plan because we then had difficulty conceiving and we eventually did become “old parents” (late 30s) to a previous baby boy.
But how I got through the waiting phase was this:
1–I acknowledged that I really did love him. And I rationalized that if he was *unable* to have kids, I’d still want to be with him, do this isn’t all that different.
2–I reasoned that i could break up with him but would that fix my problem with the delay… or delay my having kids even longer? Obviously the latter
3–I decided I couldn’t bear it if we broke up over it and then he got remarried and started having kids before me *with someone else!!*
I knew that if that happened I’d irrationally feel like some other woman was having MY life…and raising the child/children that I was meant to be having with him!

All this is to say I feel your frustration bc been there and done that.

And the person who isn’t ready to have kids yet “wins” in this scenario. So just try to enjoy the few years of just the two of you.

What a sad reason to stay. You put a theoretical woman "winning" above your actual wants? Yikes, not very healthy.

The point is that the “theoretical woman” would be “winning” MY life with the man I LOVE raising the child/children I wanted.

I didn’t just want to have kids.
I wanted to have kids with HIM.
This is how I knew that marrying him—even if we couldn’t have kids, or even if we delayed having kids—was more important to me than my kid timeline.

To me—it’s very healthy to figure out your priorities.
If OP values having kids or adherence to kid timeline above being married to this woman he loves—then he should absolutely break up with her and risk starting over to get what he wants MOST.

But for me, it was not worth losing him.
I love him and would not have wanted a life without him or to see him having “our life” without me……so I feel like I made the correct choice for me.