Different relationship timelines

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love her?

I think not.

OP here. Very much. Why don’t you think I love her.

I’m sure you would be upset too if you date someone and had the same timeline, only for them to throw a curveball and delay having kids for years. Most women would go mental if the did husbands did that. As a man, I just have to keep quiet and suck it up.

Have you told her how disappointed you are? Maybe she’d consider trying to get pregnant during last year of graduate school instead of waiting till she’s completely done.

OP here. I have. She told me as if it was no big deal and I told her over dinner that I was very upfront that I wanted kids sooner than later. She said 2-3 years isn’t that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things.

I’m 34 she’s 32. I feel like we don’t have 2-3 years to wait if we wanted up to 2-4 kids.

You have time for 2 or 3 kids. Unlikely 4. My ex forced a kid on me at 33. Kid was conceived after one time unprotected sex. I turned 34 two months after that kid was born. It ruined the marriage. One time years later happened again at 37. You have time. I only stayed as long as I did for the kids and we were divorced after 10 years of marriage and it was miserable since that first pregnancy because I feel like he trapped me on his desires and timing.

Get on the same page about kid timing or don’t get married, which is what my advice is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"I’m not breaking up with her over this, and it’s not like I can make her have kids any sooner."

Then why did you post?

This

Ultimately your only leverage is to walk away

[Anonymous]

It sounds like she just wants you to support her while she goes to school. She may not even have any interest in marriage or children with you.. just a free home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love her?

I think not.

OP here. Very much. Why don’t you think I love her.

I’m sure you would be upset too if you date someone and had the same timeline, only for them to throw a curveball and delay having kids for years. Most women would go mental if the did husbands did that. As a man, I just have to keep quiet and suck it up.

Have you told her how disappointed you are? Maybe she’d consider trying to get pregnant during last year of graduate school instead of waiting till she’s completely done.

OP here. I have. She told me as if it was no big deal and I told her over dinner that I was very upfront that I wanted kids sooner than later. She said 2-3 years isn’t that much of a difference in the grand scheme of things.

I’m 34 she’s 32. I feel like we don’t have 2-3 years to wait if we wanted up to 2-4 kids.

She is right the two or three years is not a big difference in the grand scheme of things. She is right the two or three years is not a big difference in the grand scheme of things. However, you being hell-bent on it is not a good thing.

[Anonymous]

I can feel the resentment from both of you on this already and I don’t think it bodes well for a happy marriage.

You want kids ASAP and she doesn’t. if you can’t compromise without resentment, you need to break up. If she really wants to go back to school and does not want kids right away and you pressure a kid on her, you will end up divorced.

Kid timing can cause real problems. The same thing happened to my uncle when his wife pressured him for a kid and they also ended up divorced.

You really need to talk about what your ultimate life goals are because you really might want different things— if it really is only two or three years then it’s not a big deal to wait two or three years because honestly people should be married for a while before they start popping out kids anyway because it changes the relationship.

[Anonymous]

OP here. My parents had kids at 41 and 43. My dad was 42 and 44. It was hard growing up with parents who didn’t have the energy for us and we had to deal with aging and sick parents by the time we were in high school and college. It really sucked and I had to take time off college to care for both of my parents when they had medical issues.

I know anything can happen in life with illness but prolonging kids is not something I want to do. I want to be an active parent and be there for my kids for a long time. I don’t want my kids to have to take care of me when they are just starting their adult life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How to navigate this. I wouldn’t end our relationship over something so menial, but how do I come to terms with having to wait?

Honestly I was this in reverse bc DH was the one who kept being in grad school and wanted to wait to have kids.

I was very resentful.
We were married 12 years before we had kids and at times I am still angry when I think about how his six year plan turned into a nine-year plan because we then had difficulty conceiving and we eventually did become “old parents” (late 30s) to a previous baby boy.
But how I got through the waiting phase was this:
1–I acknowledged that I really did love him. And I rationalized that if he was *unable* to have kids, I’d still want to be with him, do this isn’t all that different.
2–I reasoned that i could break up with him but would that fix my problem with the delay… or delay my having kids even longer? Obviously the latter
3–I decided I couldn’t bear it if we broke up over it and then he got remarried and started having kids before me *with someone else!!*
I knew that if that happened I’d irrationally feel like some other woman was having MY life…and raising the child/children that I was meant to be having with him!

All this is to say I feel your frustration bc been there and done that.

And the person who isn’t ready to have kids yet “wins” in this scenario. So just try to enjoy the few years of just the two of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love her?

I think not.

OP here. Very much. Why don’t you think I love her.

I’m sure you would be upset too if you date someone and had the same timeline, only for them to throw a curveball and delay having kids for years. Most women would go mental if the did husbands did that. As a man, I just have to keep quiet and suck it up.

You’re in your 30s and many people have kids in their 30s.

Marriage is about compromise. She changed her mind and is allowed to do that. She knows once kids are here getting the additional degree will likely not happen. I urge you to see this as a win win. You will have kids. She gets the degree. And nobody should be resentful in this situation.

If you’re worried about waiting too long maybe set a time that if the degree isn’t finished by Xxxx you’ll start trying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can feel the resentment from both of you on this already and I don’t think it bodes well for a happy marriage.

You want kids ASAP and she doesn’t. if you can’t compromise without resentment, you need to break up. If she really wants to go back to school and does not want kids right away and you pressure a kid on her, you will end up divorced.

Kid timing can cause real problems. The same thing happened to my uncle when his wife pressured him for a kid and they also ended up divorced.

You really need to talk about what your ultimate life goals are because you really might want different things— if it really is only two or three years then it’s not a big deal to wait two or three years because honestly people should be married for a while before they start popping out kids anyway because it changes the relationship.

OP here. I do hold some resentment. We were friends before we got together. She knew all of this. It was a big issue in my previous relationship because I was with a younger woman. We got together and I made it clear throughout our relationship my desire to have kids earlier. She was on board until she now decided she isn’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How to navigate this. I wouldn’t end our relationship over something so menial, but how do I come to terms with having to wait?

Honestly I was this in reverse bc DH was the one who kept being in grad school and wanted to wait to have kids.

I was very resentful.
We were married 12 years before we had kids and at times I am still angry when I think about how his six year plan turned into a nine-year plan because we then had difficulty conceiving and we eventually did become “old parents” (late 30s) to a previous baby boy.
But how I got through the waiting phase was this:
1–I acknowledged that I really did love him. And I rationalized that if he was *unable* to have kids, I’d still want to be with him, do this isn’t all that different.
2–I reasoned that i could break up with him but would that fix my problem with the delay… or delay my having kids even longer? Obviously the latter
3–I decided I couldn’t bear it if we broke up over it and then he got remarried and started having kids before me *with someone else!!*
I knew that if that happened I’d irrationally feel like some other woman was having MY life…and raising the child/children that I was meant to be having with him!

All this is to say I feel your frustration bc been there and done that.

And the person who isn’t ready to have kids yet “wins” in this scenario. So just try to enjoy the few years of just the two of you.

That’s precious, not previous! I wouldn’t have bothered with the correction but it changes the whole meaning!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. How to navigate this. I wouldn’t end our relationship over something so menial, but how do I come to terms with having to wait?

Honestly I was this in reverse bc DH was the one who kept being in grad school and wanted to wait to have kids.

I was very resentful.
We were married 12 years before we had kids and at times I am still angry when I think about how his six year plan turned into a nine-year plan because we then had difficulty conceiving and we eventually did become “old parents” (late 30s) to a previous baby boy.
But how I got through the waiting phase was this:
1–I acknowledged that I really did love him. And I rationalized that if he was *unable* to have kids, I’d still want to be with him, do this isn’t all that different.
2–I reasoned that i could break up with him but would that fix my problem with the delay… or delay my having kids even longer? Obviously the latter
3–I decided I couldn’t bear it if we broke up over it and then he got remarried and started having kids before me *with someone else!!*
I knew that if that happened I’d irrationally feel like some other woman was having MY life…and raising the child/children that I was meant to be having with him!

All this is to say I feel your frustration bc been there and done that.

And the person who isn’t ready to have kids yet “wins” in this scenario. So just try to enjoy the few years of just the two of you.

What a sad reason to stay. You put a theoretical woman "winning" above your actual wants? Yikes, not very healthy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do you love her?

I think not.

OP here. Very much. Why don’t you think I love her.

I’m sure you would be upset too if you date someone and had the same timeline, only for them to throw a curveball and delay having kids for years. Most women would go mental if the did husbands did that. As a man, I just have to keep quiet and suck it up.

Extremely untrue and extremely unfair.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can feel the resentment from both of you on this already and I don’t think it bodes well for a happy marriage.

You want kids ASAP and she doesn’t. if you can’t compromise without resentment, you need to break up. If she really wants to go back to school and does not want kids right away and you pressure a kid on her, you will end up divorced.

Kid timing can cause real problems. The same thing happened to my uncle when his wife pressured him for a kid and they also ended up divorced.

You really need to talk about what your ultimate life goals are because you really might want different things— if it really is only two or three years then it’s not a big deal to wait two or three years because honestly people should be married for a while before they start popping out kids anyway because it changes the relationship.

OP here. I do hold some resentment. We were friends before we got together. She knew all of this. It was a big issue in my previous relationship because I was with a younger woman. We got together and I made it clear throughout our relationship my desire to have kids earlier. She was on board until she now decided she isn’t.

I think you need to be honest and tell her you’re feeling some resentment over this. Keep talking to her about it and see if you can come to a compromise on the timing.

[Anonymous]

Can you both get fertility testing done now?

[Anonymous]

I think it is important to clarify timeline with her. She wants to delay kids for a couple of years to get a degree, a masters? After that, she likely will be job hunting, then starting at a new desirable position hopefully. Knowing my own struggles in the early stages of my career as a woman of reproductive age, there will be lots more reasons not to get pregnant during that phase from a career perspective. If you’re hoping for 3-4 kids, it likely will not happen.