So annoyed about DH’s inability to follow through on anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is a half vent, half looking for advice.

My DH literally can’t follow through on any task to save his life, even things he volunteers to do/handle without being asked. I am currently furious because we are doing some work to our house and he promised to handle ordering our new appliances months ago. He has dragged out the decision, first claiming he wanted to do research, then claiming he wanted to ask around. He always says he doesn’t want to rush big, expensive decisions, but does it really take 3 months to order a refrigerator when we always knew what we wanted all along. I gave him an ultimatum to do it last weekend, but surprise surprise he didn’t. I finally told him if he didn’t get to done today to not come home from work tonight. He yelled at me for being a nag and says it makes him not want to do anything. So basically I can’t win - ask him to do it and I am a nag, or don’t ask anything and things will NEVER get done. Anyway, he finally placed the order this afternoon and now everything is on back order for 6 months, but it wasn’t a few weeks ago. I am pissed because we have family coming to stay with us in June and our kitchen was supposed to be done. Now it won’t be since the contractor won’t finish everything until the appliances come in.

That is just one example but it’s really everything. His parents came over for dinner last Friday night and he said he would handle getting stuff to grill, but at 5pm he hadn’t done anything and decided to order pizza. Sure maybe that isn’t a big deal, but when every single thing is that way with him I just can’t deal anymore.

I am just so over it. Has anyone ever gotten through to their husband before over something like this? Every time I have to push or remind him I am made out to be the bad guy. I try to explain to DH how much this bothers me but he just tells me I am too high strung and need to let things go, be more relaxed. Seriously questioning whether I can spend the rest of my life with this person.

Uh, no one bothered to point out that this is totally unacceptable from the OP??

I guess when he’s inevitably not satisfied with the sex life that comes out of this chaos, he should say, “If you’re not going to want to have sex tonight, just go stay in a hotel.”

[Anonymous]

“ I gave him an ultimatum to do it last weekend, but surprise surprise he didn’t. I finally told him if he didn’t get to done today to not come home from work tonight.”

You are incredibly awful.

[Anonymous]

It’s definitely not ok to tell him not to come home. That’s way over the line. But I hear you on the frustration of trying to balance not just doing everything yourself and not nagging. People on here will say all the time you have to let them fail or you have to make them deal with the consequences or let them fit their own way. And some things that is fine. My husband just never makes appointments for himself and goes years without a physical or runs out of contacts, clean clothes, whatever. But stuff for the kids and house is harder. I can’t count the number of times he’s said he would do something, then not done it and not done it until I finally do it. And so I’ve put in the same effort but gotten a worse result be the option I actually wanted is no longer available or the kids appointments are now 4 months off schedule or whatever.

The thing that REALLY pisses me off though is that he will give ME a hard time about not researching enough or not “thinking enough” about decisions. When I am dealing with 90 percent of the actual logistics he has time to ruminate over and over the one or two big decisions I can’t make without him. And so we just don’t make those decisions (we similarly have a renovation that is completely stalled despite a bunch of money already sunk) or I end up having to push through some major argument to get him to make a decision.

I do think he has ADHD (we also had a child diagnosed not long ago who was really eye opening) but I think it’s also anxiety. It’s hard to make a choice that isn’t “perfect”. His mom is the same way and it drives him crazy but he doesn’t see the irony there. I try to let it go because I’m not perfect either but occasionally we have these periods where he’s going in circles and holding up something important and I feel like I am going to lose it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is a half vent, half looking for advice.

My DH literally can’t follow through on any task to save his life, even things he volunteers to do/handle without being asked. I am currently furious because we are doing some work to our house and he promised to handle ordering our new appliances months ago. He has dragged out the decision, first claiming he wanted to do research, then claiming he wanted to ask around. He always says he doesn’t want to rush big, expensive decisions, but does it really take 3 months to order a refrigerator when we always knew what we wanted all along. I gave him an ultimatum to do it last weekend, but surprise surprise he didn’t. I finally told him if he didn’t get to done today to not come home from work tonight. He yelled at me for being a nag and says it makes him not want to do anything. So basically I can’t win - ask him to do it and I am a nag, or don’t ask anything and things will NEVER get done. Anyway, he finally placed the order this afternoon and now everything is on back order for 6 months, but it wasn’t a few weeks ago. I am pissed because we have family coming to stay with us in June and our kitchen was supposed to be done. Now it won’t be since the contractor won’t finish everything until the appliances come in.

That is just one example but it’s really everything. His parents came over for dinner last Friday night and he said he would handle getting stuff to grill, but at 5pm he hadn’t done anything and decided to order pizza. Sure maybe that isn’t a big deal, but when every single thing is that way with him I just can’t deal anymore.

I am just so over it. Has anyone ever gotten through to their husband before over something like this? Every time I have to push or remind him I am made out to be the bad guy. I try to explain to DH how much this bothers me but he just tells me I am too high strung and need to let things go, be more relaxed. Seriously questioning whether I can spend the rest of my life with this person.

Uh, no one bothered to point out that this is totally unacceptable from the OP??

I guess when he’s inevitably not satisfied with the sex life that comes out of this chaos, he should say, “If you’re not going to want to have sex tonight, just go stay in a hotel.”

Take it to a red pill forum, incel.

[Anonymous]

NP. Just chiming in I have the same problems with my DH. My solution has been to just overfunction and expect very little from
DH. But that has led to severe burnout for me. After 10 years, I reached my own limit on managing my career, the kids, and the house as well as DH. I ended up quitting my job because I truly couldn’t do it anymore. Now we are in a terrible position financially and I am unsure what happens next but I couldn’t keep going like before. I think we will likely divorce but it scares me to think of my kids alone with DH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

So your solution is just do everything yourself or treat your DH like he's a child?

This board is so interesting. Why get married if you have to do it all AND bribe your partner with sex just to get some reciprocity?

[Anonymous]

If you knew the fridge wasn't on back order a few weeks ago, why not just order it when you checked?

It troubles me that you say you just can't win, is it always a competition?

Signed an ADHD husband who communicated with his wife so they both know what each other handles better and keeps the peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Just chiming in I have the same problems with my DH. My solution has been to just overfunction and expect very little from
DH. But that has led to severe burnout for me. After 10 years, I reached my own limit on managing my career, the kids, and the house as well as DH. I ended up quitting my job because I truly couldn’t do it anymore. Now we are in a terrible position financially and I am unsure what happens next but I couldn’t keep going like before. I think we will likely divorce but it scares me to think of my kids alone with DH.

I am in this exact situation. my burnout is so severe that I have no idea how to extricate myself from it. Am considering trying to jack it all in and move to a small house in the burbs and quit my c level job bc I can barely function after the stress of balancing it all for so long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you knew the fridge wasn't on back order a few weeks ago, why not just order it when you checked?

It troubles me that you say you just can't win, is it always a competition?

Signed an ADHD husband who communicated with his wife so they both know what each other handles better and keeps the peace.

Not OP but in my house, this would happen because either:

1)we both like it and it’s available when we look but my husband thinks there might be something better out there so we can’t just buy the good enough fridge. But then he never actually research’s alternatives because he gets busy at work and a month or more passes.

Or 2) he says he will do it (wants to use a coupon or something) and so when I offer to just buy it he gets huffy and says “I said I would do it!” But then doesn’t do it.

So unless I follow up (aka nag) we get behind the builders schedule. That is the feeling that you can’t win.
Communication is important but only takes you so far.

[Anonymous]

Also with an undiagnosed, unmedicated DH with what I think is ADHD. The basement is a mess. The fridge door got dented when the delivery people came with it. It took a year to order a new one. The new one is sitting downstairs in the basement for 4 years. He says he won't put it up because he can sell the fridge at some point with the new door. So ridiculous. Yes, I over function. Yes, I stay because I can't let go of having him take care of the kids by himself. I didn't sign up for this. But who does? All I can do is the best for my kids until I can get out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP. Just chiming in I have the same problems with my DH. My solution has been to just overfunction and expect very little from
DH. But that has led to severe burnout for me. After 10 years, I reached my own limit on managing my career, the kids, and the house as well as DH. I ended up quitting my job because I truly couldn’t do it anymore. Now we are in a terrible position financially and I am unsure what happens next but I couldn’t keep going like before. I think we will likely divorce but it scares me to think of my kids alone with DH.

What a mess.

To quit your job because you have a deadweight husband?
Hope he makes $1m+ a year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also with an undiagnosed, unmedicated DH with what I think is ADHD. The basement is a mess. The fridge door got dented when the delivery people came with it. It took a year to order a new one. The new one is sitting downstairs in the basement for 4 years. He says he won't put it up because he can sell the fridge at some point with the new door. So ridiculous. Yes, I over function. Yes, I stay because I can't let go of having him take care of the kids by himself. I didn't sign up for this. But who does? All I can do is the best for my kids until I can get out.

Same.

See you on my 12 month Around the World cruise I will set up when I sign my gray divorce papers. Can’t wait!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Just chiming in I have the same problems with my DH. My solution has been to just overfunction and expect very little from
DH. But that has led to severe burnout for me. After 10 years, I reached my own limit on managing my career, the kids, and the house as well as DH. I ended up quitting my job because I truly couldn’t do it anymore. Now we are in a terrible position financially and I am unsure what happens next but I couldn’t keep going like before. I think we will likely divorce but it scares me to think of my kids alone with DH.

I am in this exact situation. my burnout is so severe that I have no idea how to extricate myself from it. Am considering trying to jack it all in and move to a small house in the burbs and quit my c level job bc I can barely function after the stress of balancing it all for so long.

Can you disclose this all to your family and get some respite?

I handed my spouses entire neuropsych test over to my siblings and parents and asked for help, understanding, joint vacations so I got more help, and more time together so they had positive, functional male role models. My brother coaches my son’s basketball team three years now. My adhd/asd spouse just floats around at the games pretending he has anything to do with anything.

I also redid the will and PoA should I have any health issues and need advocacy. My money also goes straight into kids’ trusts and not to my delinquent spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP. Just chiming in I have the same problems with my DH. My solution has been to just overfunction and expect very little from
DH. But that has led to severe burnout for me. After 10 years, I reached my own limit on managing my career, the kids, and the house as well as DH. I ended up quitting my job because I truly couldn’t do it anymore. Now we are in a terrible position financially and I am unsure what happens next but I couldn’t keep going like before. I think we will likely divorce but it scares me to think of my kids alone with DH.

What a mess.

To quit your job because you have a deadweight husband?
Hope he makes $1m+ a year.

I'd get looking if I was the PP, men like this are not reliable earners, the executive function issues are at work, too. I'd never put my ability to feed and house kids at such risk. Outsource, downsize and simplify, but start earning. Otherwise you have put yourself and kids in a huge bind and then you can't leave.

IME often 2 people with ADD marry one another. So one may try to compensate for the other but is also weaker in exec functions than average. Really pays to get evals, meds and coaching and to have a periodic organizer, etc. The issues won't just show up in DH but in kids, too. The ADDitude website has a lot of helpful info too.

[Anonymous]

We must be married to the same man. It's exhausting. I fee like I'm dragging him through life. You're not alone...