So annoyed about DH’s inability to follow through on anything

[Anonymous]

This is a half vent, half looking for advice.

My DH literally can’t follow through on any task to save his life, even things he volunteers to do/handle without being asked. I am currently furious because we are doing some work to our house and he promised to handle ordering our new appliances months ago. He has dragged out the decision, first claiming he wanted to do research, then claiming he wanted to ask around. He always says he doesn’t want to rush big, expensive decisions, but does it really take 3 months to order a refrigerator when we always knew what we wanted all along. I gave him an ultimatum to do it last weekend, but surprise surprise he didn’t. I finally told him if he didn’t get to done today to not come home from work tonight. He yelled at me for being a nag and says it makes him not want to do anything. So basically I can’t win - ask him to do it and I am a nag, or don’t ask anything and things will NEVER get done. Anyway, he finally placed the order this afternoon and now everything is on back order for 6 months, but it wasn’t a few weeks ago. I am pissed because we have family coming to stay with us in June and our kitchen was supposed to be done. Now it won’t be since the contractor won’t finish everything until the appliances come in.

That is just one example but it’s really everything. His parents came over for dinner last Friday night and he said he would handle getting stuff to grill, but at 5pm he hadn’t done anything and decided to order pizza. Sure maybe that isn’t a big deal, but when every single thing is that way with him I just can’t deal anymore.

I am just so over it. Has anyone ever gotten through to their husband before over something like this? Every time I have to push or remind him I am made out to be the bad guy. I try to explain to DH how much this bothers me but he just tells me I am too high strung and need to let things go, be more relaxed. Seriously questioning whether I can spend the rest of my life with this person.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like ADHD. It doesn't get better. Please do not have children with this man and get out of this marriage.

[Anonymous]

My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

[Anonymous]

This needs real consequences if he isn’t going to do better. I would start with counseling. He needs to understand why this isn’t okay. Have you told him it hurts you and makes you feel neglected? Make sure that you are talking to
hin in a way that makes it clear that this isn’t just a preference for you. This is destructive behavior and makes you feel alone and like his caretaker which is not a marriage. I would withdraw anything that you are doing that makes him comfortable if he refuses to change after these conversations. Stop making him dinner, doing his laundry, or anything else that he benefits from. Just worry about yourself and your children if you have any. He needs to understand what this feels like.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

My handsome and charming brother, a bachelor in his late 50s, needs a woman like you or OP. He needs someone to organize his life and tell him nicely what to do and when. He had such a woman but would not commit to marriage because my mother was still alive. She passed two years ago and he is available. He also inherited a house and substantial portfolio of investments. He seems paralyzed by indecision and needs help but you must be fit and able to get along with his friends.

[Anonymous]

If you don't have kids yet, move along. He is a child and you don't want to be his mother.

[Anonymous]

It's ADHD. This is my husband to a T. He was recently diagnosed and is on meds but there are still some things that take him FOREVER to do. We had the same issue with him ordering appliances for our outdoor kitchen area. I think it took him about a month to do it. But he's never yelled at me when I keep reminding him to do things.

Now that I know it's ADHD if it's something that needs to be done and I can do it, I just do it. I don't ask him to do it I just take it over. For the other stuff that I can't do I will constantly remind him, like daily or twice daily if it's time sensitive. It's been much better and less frustrating this way and I really don't mind doing most things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

My handsome and charming brother, a bachelor in his late 50s, needs a woman like you or OP. He needs someone to organize his life and tell him nicely what to do and when. He had such a woman but would not commit to marriage because my mother was still alive. She passed two years ago and he is available. He also inherited a house and substantial portfolio of investments. He seems paralyzed by indecision and needs help but you must be fit and able to get along with his friends.

So he needs a secretary or a personal assistant. Does he have a good job? Is he productive? If so, he may be a good match for someone.
Or is he an underachiever with some inheritance? Not appealing to most women

[Anonymous]

this is also my dh who has adhd. it makes me INSANE. it's so damaging. i sympathize op. it has just about destroyed our marriage. fun times.

[Anonymous]

NP here. My DH is like this and on top of it, if I take over something he's not doing, he will sometimes get upset and demand I let him do it... and then not do it. I'm talking for months, not hours or days. We have been fined by our HOA for not getting a needed repair on our property (that was a genuine safety hazard) because he dragged his feet on it for TWO YEARS.

To those of you suggesting it's ADHD, I believe you. But how do you get a diagnosis? My DH has zero childhood evidence of ADHD. He was an excellent student (high school valedictorian, went to an Ivy where he completed a challenging STEM major with good grades) and always socially adept. No evidence of either hyperactive or inattentive symptoms in childhood or adolescence. Even now, the issue seems to be anxiety/procrastination but not necessarily typical ADHD symptoms. I'm at a loss for how to proceed.

DH knows it's a problem and is 100% open to seeing a doctor, getting a diagnosis, and pursuing therapy or medication, though. But he will never actually make those appointments or follow through on his own. I don't know where to start.

He is a good partner in other ways, FWIW.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like ADHD. It doesn't get better. Please do not have children with this man and get out of this marriage.

Sounds like a troll regurgitating other previous posts. Same troll writing style as her other many troll OPs.

i mean it's clearly an issue that affects many people so why would it be a troll post? that's like saying that someone who complains their dh wont treat his snoring is a troll post. 'can't be true!' uhhhh - plenty of spouse's dont have good follow through or proactivity.

[Anonymous]

My wife is similar, especially when it has to do with finances and doubly so if it requires talking to another human being.

She bought one of those ridiculous $700+ Litter Robots and the damn thing never worked right. I asked her over and over to call them up about the warranty. She never did, a year has passed, and we have a huge paperweight.

She also had been going to a trainer where they make you pay in advance and then when you go they debit your account. Well, she started going less frequently but the trainer kept charging on a recurring basis. When she decided to stop I asked her if she could at least get some of the money back that shouldn’t have been drawn. She never did a thing about it and we are out thousands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is similar, especially when it has to do with finances and doubly so if it requires talking to another human being.

She bought one of those ridiculous $700+ Litter Robots and the damn thing never worked right. I asked her over and over to call them up about the warranty. She never did, a year has passed, and we have a huge paperweight.

She also had been going to a trainer where they make you pay in advance and then when you go they debit your account. Well, she started going less frequently but the trainer kept charging on a recurring basis. When she decided to stop I asked her if she could at least get some of the money back that shouldn’t have been drawn. She never did a thing about it and we are out thousands.

what does she say when you confront her?

My dh and i fight about all this stuff so much.

[Anonymous]

This is SO familiar, down to being called a nag and telling me he wasn't going to do something "on your timetable." I had to completely take over whatever was important to me. He wouldn't clean up, so I hired a maid. He wouldn't plan dates, so I'd go out with my friends. If I want to try a restaurant or see a show, I make the reservation, arrange childcare and send him a calendar invite. Those never come to me, btw. He plans nothing, zero, ever. He got annoyed when the grass got too long, but it didn't bother me so he had to either mow or hire someone.

He's forgetful - can't seem to place his keys or wallet in the same place every day, so he runs around the house looking for them creating anxiety for himself. Will he ever learn? Apparently not.

If I need him to do something, it's like pulling the reins on a mule. Completely stubborn and oppositional. He gets it from his Dad and has passed it to our youngest. And so it goes...

Now for the kicker, he's a partner in a major firm and his Dad was a bigwig. Careerwise, they never drop the ball. It's at home where inept is the default.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My wife is similar, especially when it has to do with finances and doubly so if it requires talking to another human being.

She bought one of those ridiculous $700+ Litter Robots and the damn thing never worked right. I asked her over and over to call them up about the warranty. She never did, a year has passed, and we have a huge paperweight.

She also had been going to a trainer where they make you pay in advance and then when you go they debit your account. Well, she started going less frequently but the trainer kept charging on a recurring basis. When she decided to stop I asked her if she could at least get some of the money back that shouldn’t have been drawn. She never did a thing about it and we are out thousands.

Not your point here, but thank you for LMK about the litter robot. I almost plunked down the $700