So annoyed about DH’s inability to follow through on anything

[Anonymous]

I dated a man like this. I remember one particular story - there was this little gift box full of Christmas cookies on his dining table. This was in March. He claimed he had no idea they were there. And had no shame about it - like he was a passive observer of his own house. This was an urban home - not a huge palace where you never see your own dining room. He was a successful attorney. I am glad I didn’t marry him. My husband is a mess in other ways, to be clear. But ADHD for me was hard to watch.

If you don’t have kids, OP, I might bounce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

My handsome and charming brother, a bachelor in his late 50s, needs a woman like you or OP. He needs someone to organize his life and tell him nicely what to do and when. He had such a woman but would not commit to marriage because my mother was still alive. She passed two years ago and he is available. He also inherited a house and substantial portfolio of investments. He seems paralyzed by indecision and needs help but you must be fit and able to get along with his friends.

So he needs a secretary or a personal assistant. Does he have a good job? Is he productive? If so, he may be a good match for someone.
Or is he an underachiever with some inheritance? Not appealing to most women

No, he does not have a good job. Yes, he is an underachiever with an inheritance and a lot of fun. Last two serious girlfriends were MDs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My DH is like this and on top of it, if I take over something he's not doing, he will sometimes get upset and demand I let him do it... and then not do it. I'm talking for months, not hours or days. We have been fined by our HOA for not getting a needed repair on our property (that was a genuine safety hazard) because he dragged his feet on it for TWO YEARS.

To those of you suggesting it's ADHD, I believe you. But how do you get a diagnosis? My DH has zero childhood evidence of ADHD. He was an excellent student (high school valedictorian, went to an Ivy where he completed a challenging STEM major with good grades) and always socially adept. No evidence of either hyperactive or inattentive symptoms in childhood or adolescence. Even now, the issue seems to be anxiety/procrastination but not necessarily typical ADHD symptoms. I'm at a loss for how to proceed.

DH knows it's a problem and is 100% open to seeing a doctor, getting a diagnosis, and pursuing therapy or medication, though. But he will never actually make those appointments or follow through on his own. I don't know where to start.

He is a good partner in other ways, FWIW.

19:39 here. It wasn’t until 2 of our kids were diagnosed with it that we realized he had almost all of the same characteristics. Our oldest sees a psychiatrist online and DH sees her as well. It was a simple checklist they went through to get the diagnosis. Youngest kid did a full neuropsych exam which is where we found ADHD. DH was 52 at diagnosis. See if you can find a psychiatrist and make an appt for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a man like this. I remember one particular story - there was this little gift box full of Christmas cookies on his dining table. This was in March. He claimed he had no idea they were there. And had no shame about it - like he was a passive observer of his own house. This was an urban home - not a huge palace where you never see your own dining room. He was a successful attorney. I am glad I didn’t marry him. My husband is a mess in other ways, to be clear. But ADHD for me was hard to watch.

If you don’t have kids, OP, I might bounce.

OMG this. Everything my ADHD husband does is thoughtless and he uses a passive voice to describe all the dumb stuff he does.

Me (making dinner/picking up kids/finishing a work call): Hey, will you please wash the lettuce? It's right there.
DH (doing fun stuff on a phone): Ok
...
Five minutes later, the lettuce is in a colander in the sink with scalding hot water running over it. DH is in the other room, doing more fun stuff on his phone.
...
Me: Um, are you washing the lettuce with hot water?
DH: You told me to wash lettuce!
Me: But why hot water? Won't that wilt the lettuce?
DH: Jesus Christ, I'm helping you. The water was hot when it came out of the sink.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I dated a man like this. I remember one particular story - there was this little gift box full of Christmas cookies on his dining table. This was in March. He claimed he had no idea they were there. And had no shame about it - like he was a passive observer of his own house. This was an urban home - not a huge palace where you never see your own dining room. He was a successful attorney. I am glad I didn’t marry him. My husband is a mess in other ways, to be clear. But ADHD for me was hard to watch.

If you don’t have kids, OP, I might bounce.

Amazing and correct observation to make while dating. And he owned a house! Must have been over age 30 or 35…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a man like this. I remember one particular story - there was this little gift box full of Christmas cookies on his dining table. This was in March. He claimed he had no idea they were there. And had no shame about it - like he was a passive observer of his own house. This was an urban home - not a huge palace where you never see your own dining room. He was a successful attorney. I am glad I didn’t marry him. My husband is a mess in other ways, to be clear. But ADHD for me was hard to watch.

If you don’t have kids, OP, I might bounce.

OMG this. Everything my ADHD husband does is thoughtless and he uses a passive voice to describe all the dumb stuff he does.

Me (making dinner/picking up kids/finishing a work call): Hey, will you please wash the lettuce? It's right there.
DH (doing fun stuff on a phone): Ok
...
Five minutes later, the lettuce is in a colander in the sink with scalding hot water running over it. DH is in the other room, doing more fun stuff on his phone.
...
Me: Um, are you washing the lettuce with hot water?
DH: You told me to wash lettuce!
Me: But why hot water? Won't that wilt the lettuce?
DH: Jesus Christ, I'm helping you. The water was hot when it came out of the sink.

Nothing is ever his fault! And definitely not his lack of common sense.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a man like this. I remember one particular story - there was this little gift box full of Christmas cookies on his dining table. This was in March. He claimed he had no idea they were there. And had no shame about it - like he was a passive observer of his own house. This was an urban home - not a huge palace where you never see your own dining room. He was a successful attorney. I am glad I didn’t marry him. My husband is a mess in other ways, to be clear. But ADHD for me was hard to watch.

If you don’t have kids, OP, I might bounce.

Amazing and correct observation to make while dating. And he owned a house! Must have been over age 30 or 35…

I’m the PP and yes, the Christmas cookies in springtime man was 34 or 35. There were so many moments with him that had a similar vibe. He could also be very very fun, like many ADHD guys. He wanted something serious, allegedly. Would have been an absolute nightmare to parent children with. I now have two little kids and I can picture how different my life would be with someone who can’t even manage himself. I know I’d be mad all the time! I hope OP doesn’t have kids yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

My handsome and charming brother, a bachelor in his late 50s, needs a woman like you or OP. He needs someone to organize his life and tell him nicely what to do and when. He had such a woman but would not commit to marriage because my mother was still alive. She passed two years ago and he is available. He also inherited a house and substantial portfolio of investments. He seems paralyzed by indecision and needs help but you must be fit and able to get along with his friends.

So he needs a secretary or a personal assistant. Does he have a good job? Is he productive? If so, he may be a good match for someone.
Or is he an underachiever with some inheritance? Not appealing to most women

No, he does not have a good job. Yes, he is an underachiever with an inheritance and a lot of fun. Last two serious girlfriends were MDs.

I think I worked with this guy...
I'm the bossy PP and my husband is hot so I don't mind making decisions. If he was a fat Schlub I'd have left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a man like this. I remember one particular story - there was this little gift box full of Christmas cookies on his dining table. This was in March. He claimed he had no idea they were there. And had no shame about it - like he was a passive observer of his own house. This was an urban home - not a huge palace where you never see your own dining room. He was a successful attorney. I am glad I didn’t marry him. My husband is a mess in other ways, to be clear. But ADHD for me was hard to watch.

If you don’t have kids, OP, I might bounce.

OMG this. Everything my ADHD husband does is thoughtless and he uses a passive voice to describe all the dumb stuff he does.

Me (making dinner/picking up kids/finishing a work call): Hey, will you please wash the lettuce? It's right there.
DH (doing fun stuff on a phone): Ok
...
Five minutes later, the lettuce is in a colander in the sink with scalding hot water running over it. DH is in the other room, doing more fun stuff on his phone.
...
Me: Um, are you washing the lettuce with hot water?
DH: You told me to wash lettuce!
Me: But why hot water? Won't that wilt the lettuce?
DH: Jesus Christ, I'm helping you. The water was hot when it came out of the sink.

This is my life. Feeling like a harpy (harpie?) bc I articulate issues when dh does certain things like ‘help with the groceries’ ie order a weeks worth of groceries containing zero protein or even really any ingredient for an actual meals.

Then they wonder why the bedroom aspect diminishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My DH is like this and on top of it, if I take over something he's not doing, he will sometimes get upset and demand I let him do it... and then not do it. I'm talking for months, not hours or days. We have been fined by our HOA for not getting a needed repair on our property (that was a genuine safety hazard) because he dragged his feet on it for TWO YEARS.

To those of you suggesting it's ADHD, I believe you. But how do you get a diagnosis? My DH has zero childhood evidence of ADHD. He was an excellent student (high school valedictorian, went to an Ivy where he completed a challenging STEM major with good grades) and always socially adept. No evidence of either hyperactive or inattentive symptoms in childhood or adolescence. Even now, the issue seems to be anxiety/procrastination but not necessarily typical ADHD symptoms. I'm at a loss for how to proceed.

DH knows it's a problem and is 100% open to seeing a doctor, getting a diagnosis, and pursuing therapy or medication, though. But he will never actually make those appointments or follow through on his own. I don't know where to start.

He is a good partner in other ways, FWIW.

People with ADHD hyperfocus on subjects that interest them. For your DH, that might have been STEM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband is very similar which is why I take over everything. We had our kitchen remodeled and he made zero of the decisions, he got to relax and be surprised by his new kitchen. Does he not trust you to make these decisions? I feel like the reason my husband married me was so I could take over his life; he truly seems to love it.
But it does bother me and the only way to get him to take anything over is with some sexual flirting i.e. "you book (insert appointment here) and I'll be so thrilled I'll make it worth your while tonight" or plan the meal or whatever. Nagging does not work at all.

My handsome and charming brother, a bachelor in his late 50s, needs a woman like you or OP. He needs someone to organize his life and tell him nicely what to do and when. He had such a woman but would not commit to marriage because my mother was still alive. She passed two years ago and he is available. He also inherited a house and substantial portfolio of investments. He seems paralyzed by indecision and needs help but you must be fit and able to get along with his friends.

So he needs a secretary or a personal assistant. Does he have a good job? Is he productive? If so, he may be a good match for someone.
Or is he an underachiever with some inheritance? Not appealing to most women

No, he does not have a good job. Yes, he is an underachiever with an inheritance and a lot of fun. Last two serious girlfriends were MDs.

I think I worked with this guy...
I'm the bossy PP and my husband is hot so I don't mind making decisions. If he was a fat Schlub I'd have left.

Am another pp whose husband is also very hot and fun and funny but I want to kill him half the time bc it doesn’t make up for me having to do everything.

[Anonymous]

Another vote for ADHD. My ex was exactly like this. I’m type-a so for a longtime it was fine but after many years, and a child coming along, it just got so hard. He only had to hold it together for his job and I did everything else. It sucked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dated a man like this. I remember one particular story - there was this little gift box full of Christmas cookies on his dining table. This was in March. He claimed he had no idea they were there. And had no shame about it - like he was a passive observer of his own house. This was an urban home - not a huge palace where you never see your own dining room. He was a successful attorney. I am glad I didn’t marry him. My husband is a mess in other ways, to be clear. But ADHD for me was hard to watch.

If you don’t have kids, OP, I might bounce.

Amazing and correct observation to make while dating. And he owned a house! Must have been over age 30 or 35…

Agree, nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP here. My DH is like this and on top of it, if I take over something he's not doing, he will sometimes get upset and demand I let him do it... and then not do it. I'm talking for months, not hours or days. We have been fined by our HOA for not getting a needed repair on our property (that was a genuine safety hazard) because he dragged his feet on it for TWO YEARS.

To those of you suggesting it's ADHD, I believe you. But how do you get a diagnosis? My DH has zero childhood evidence of ADHD. He was an excellent student (high school valedictorian, went to an Ivy where he completed a challenging STEM major with good grades) and always socially adept. No evidence of either hyperactive or inattentive symptoms in childhood or adolescence. Even now, the issue seems to be anxiety/procrastination but not necessarily typical ADHD symptoms. I'm at a loss for how to proceed.

DH knows it's a problem and is 100% open to seeing a doctor, getting a diagnosis, and pursuing therapy or medication, though. But he will never actually make those appointments or follow through on his own. I don't know where to start.

He is a good partner in other ways, FWIW.

People with ADHD hyperfocus on subjects that interest them. For your DH, that might have been STEM.

PP here and yes, this is what he has-- hyper focus. Math problems, logic puzzles, learning a foreign language, cooking-- laser focus. He's also great at routines and has zero problems with stuff like taking care of himself, hygiene, eating well, his commute, etc. He's almost never late, and he can be very organized when he wants to be.

Meanwhile, if he has to get the kids ready for school without me, they will be 20 minutes late, not wearing uniforms, with unbrushed hair and mismatched shoes. And he'll be frustrated and annoyed and stressed about being late. The aspects of parenting where you can't control all factors but have to kind of project manage a herd of cats are torture to him.

[Anonymous]

It only gets worse. Burnt out being the executive functioning for the entire home despite my own adhd. Sons and a grown man baby. I’m divorcing. Can’t do it anymore. Dh would not seek help. There are other mental health concerns.