Evaluating trying for a second child when only child is known to have high needs

[Anonymous]

We have one kid with ASD1 who is 5yo. She is doing really well now, though there was a period between age 2 and 4 that was really hard.

DH knew early on, before DD was born that he probably wouldn't want another. I was more interested in having 2 and definitely wanted another right after DD was born (probably somewhat hormone driven). I eventually accepted that since DH didn't want another and I have fertility issues, that another kid is not in the cards for us.

Now that DD has her ASD diagnosis I realize both DH and I may have some ND traits. Definitely both have issues with executive functioning and anxiety. And that helps me realize that while other families may do fine with 2 kids, we probably would not. Having a young child has been hard on our marriage. I get overwhelmed easily and DH shuts down. Not a good combo. It is so much better now that DD is older, and I think another baby would just be really hard. I have learned to appreciate what we have and stop feeling like we "should" have had another.

[Anonymous]

Imagine only one parent is available to DS1 most of the time. Thats how it is when you have a baby. At least for a little bit. Also someone has to work from home or hybrid to make it bearable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have one kid with ASD1 who is 5yo. She is doing really well now, though there was a period between age 2 and 4 that was really hard.

DH knew early on, before DD was born that he probably wouldn't want another. I was more interested in having 2 and definitely wanted another right after DD was born (probably somewhat hormone driven). I eventually accepted that since DH didn't want another and I have fertility issues, that another kid is not in the cards for us.

Now that DD has her ASD diagnosis I realize both DH and I may have some ND traits. Definitely both have issues with executive functioning and anxiety. And that helps me realize that while other families may do fine with 2 kids, we probably would not. Having a young child has been hard on our marriage. I get overwhelmed easily and DH shuts down. Not a good combo. It is so much better now that DD is older, and I think another baby would just be really hard. I have learned to appreciate what we have and stop feeling like we "should" have had another.

Adding that the financial benefits of having one versus more children are huge. I feel like DH and I worry about money less than friends who have higher HHIs but more children. We can pay for private therapies without financial stress (thankfully DDs therapy needs are relatively low). We can go on decent vacations.

Also the time. Our friends with more kids have a lot of activities to manage. We have a much more relaxed schedule despite probably overscheduling our one kid, which means we have the bandwidth to host our friends, and it's really fun.

[Anonymous]

I was pregnant with second child when we found out that our first born child was special need. They are opposite gender & 3 years gap. We have asd, adhd, speech disorder, learning disability, motor delay, anxiety and epilepsy with no seizures. They are high functioning but it is tough for me to handle everything by myself. From genetic testing and family history tracking, all of these are likely coming from DH's side. He has undiagnosed/untreated asd/adhd, motor delay and anxiety with speech disorder at young age.

There is no me time, and I work full time. I feel sorry sometimes for my 2nd child that I could not give much attention & resources compared to the first child. For the last 8 years, I have been the only one taking them to therapy appointment 3-6 times/week nonstop, all doctor appointments, drop off/pickup from daycare/school, IEP, classes/practices, and playdate/bday parties. I have been trying my best to be fair to both of them. I spend all of my earned income on them.

[Anonymous]

To me, nothing you have described seems like a reason not to have a second if you otherwise want a second. It all sounds pretty normal. And I think it benefits a kid to not have all the adults’ focus all of the time and to have to learn to compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life doesn’t always turn out as planned. I would focus on your family and move on from the idea of a second. You’ll all be happier in the long run if you’re not stretched too thin raising two only children.

This.

[Anonymous]

For what it’s worth, we had a baby when our son was three and we didn’t know he had adhd yet. His teachers suggested an evaluation several days after I gave birth to my second child.

Thankfully my second child hasn’t seemed to be afflicted by the same challenges my son has had.

Nobody can tell you what to do. If you want another, I’d go for it, but you’ll need more help or to scale back one of your careers, take a more flexible or remote job etc.

Also maybe do IVF to select a girl - I think adhd and other developmental diseases manifest more strongly in boys and possibly a valid reason to consider family balancing. Good luck Op. having a kid with special needs is never easy.

[Anonymous]

I’m going to echo what other posters have said about taking a hard look at yourself and your spouse before making this decision. I am anxious and my husband I am now convinced has ADHD. Our oldest has severe ADHD. As far as SNs go I don’t think of ADHD as that life changing compared to others but the combination of my oldest and my husband is really tough. He was able to handle them when he would be 1:1 with a single child but he has a really hard time keeping it together when both kids are fighting and creating chaos. It’s put a lot of strain on our marriage because I just can’t condone the level of yelling that happens sometimes and *he* is the one refusing to get help.

So I would think about if you are going to be able to support your older child the way they need if an infant is screaming in your ear or a toddler is destroying your house. I am forever grateful for my younger child who is a delight but has his own challenges but it’s painful to watch my husband be a much worse father to both of them than when we just had one. And that is with me handling the vast majority of the logistics and some flexibility on money (though not as much as some other people on here).

I will say my child with ADHD got a lot more independent around 9 and our issues now are more about fighting since our age gap is much smaller than yours would be. But since my husband is not willing to make trade offs with work, I think he’d be happier if we only had one child despite being totally on board for having our second. I can’t imagine life without our second and would do anything to have exactly the kids I have. So really you have to decide if you are willing to make whatever hand you have dealt work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My only child is in early elementary and has moderate-to-severe ADHD. He can be a handful in ways that I understand most kids aren’t. He is both hyperactive and inattentive, with a dash of defiance and a particularly low frustration tolerance, but the last two items seem to only show themselves at home.

DH and I both commute to work five days a week with no close by family. In addition, we have therapy appointments, are currently having recurring meetings with school to figure out special accommodations, and I am trying to be better about participating in activities to get his energy. We are stretched.

We likely would have tried for a second when he was younger, if it wasn’t for COVID. When COVID first started when he was aged 3, he was not displaying all of the behaviors we see now. As he got older, they started becoming more apparent, and it became clearer that this is something that we need to deal with as parents.

I think if COVID had not hit when he did, he would have a sibling and we would be juggling the needs of our son and the sibling who may or may not face the same challenges.

I am likely coming to the end of my ability to have another kid (late 30s), but it pulls at me that we don’t have a second, even though we are just holding it together now. Having kids so far apart in age also seems to introduce more logistical challenges because they will never go to the same school or participate in the same activities.

Who has been in a similar situation? What choice did you make?

Are you prepared for a second child who has the same high needs?

[Anonymous]

As a parent of older kids, who also has done years of volunteering for an organization that serves young adults with a variety of special needs, I want to encourage you to think very long term. Assume the 2nd child is NT. What responsibilities of care will you have placed on them without their consent to care for their sibling? In my volunteering, I met many incredible, loving siblings, but it is a huge responsibility, and they did not sign up for it. Something to keep in mind.

[Anonymous]

There are companies now that offer IVF genetic screening to reduce the risk of polygenic diseases (eg. ADHD, T1D, etc.) . If you can afford it, it might be worth looking into.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are companies now that offer IVF genetic screening to reduce the risk of polygenic diseases (eg. ADHD, T1D, etc.) . If you can afford it, it might be worth looking into.

I did this because of my family history of ADHD and I wanted to the reduce the risk that my kids struggle in school as much as I did. It can reduce the risk around 20-50% depending on the sample size.

[Anonymous]

The thing that stood out to me is you say you are stretched thin already. I cannot imagine adding a baby to that

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent of older kids, who also has done years of volunteering for an organization that serves young adults with a variety of special needs, I want to encourage you to think very long term. Assume the 2nd child is NT. What responsibilities of care will you have placed on them without their consent to care for their sibling? In my volunteering, I met many incredible, loving siblings, but it is a huge responsibility, and they did not sign up for it. Something to keep in mind.

It doesn’t sound like OP’s child is so severely disabled that they won’t be able to care for themselves as an adult. But even if they were, parents can make legal and financial arrangements for their disabled children that will lessen the impact on the siblings. That’s what we have done. While we hope that our NT kid will always look out for his disabled brother, we do not expect him to be his brother’s caretaker. They can just be brothers.

[Anonymous]

You get used to anything OP. I thought life was crazy with one. Then we had a second and three years later a third. My kids don’t seem to have special needs (except for speech therapies for my youngest) so I may be completely wrong, but life is crazy. We are incredibly busy with kids at 3 different schools, activities, birthday parties, play dates, school events, etc.

I work from home which helps especially since my husband travels a lot for work. We had a nanny until youngest was in full time PK.

We adapted to all the changes and we are happy (though a little to stretched financially than I would like). I filed down on my career and chose a flexible job from home that I really enjoy, but that does not pay a lot.

I guess having a larger family was more important to me than my career goals and financial goals (we are still doing well and sending 3 kids to private school, but we are tight).