Evaluating trying for a second child when only child is known to have high needs

[Anonymous]

My only child is in early elementary and has moderate-to-severe ADHD. He can be a handful in ways that I understand most kids aren’t. He is both hyperactive and inattentive, with a dash of defiance and a particularly low frustration tolerance, but the last two items seem to only show themselves at home.

DH and I both commute to work five days a week with no close by family. In addition, we have therapy appointments, are currently having recurring meetings with school to figure out special accommodations, and I am trying to be better about participating in activities to get his energy. We are stretched.

We likely would have tried for a second when he was younger, if it wasn’t for COVID. When COVID first started when he was aged 3, he was not displaying all of the behaviors we see now. As he got older, they started becoming more apparent, and it became clearer that this is something that we need to deal with as parents.

I think if COVID had not hit when he did, he would have a sibling and we would be juggling the needs of our son and the sibling who may or may not face the same challenges.

I am likely coming to the end of my ability to have another kid (late 30s), but it pulls at me that we don’t have a second, even though we are just holding it together now. Having kids so far apart in age also seems to introduce more logistical challenges because they will never go to the same school or participate in the same activities.

Who has been in a similar situation? What choice did you make?

[Anonymous]

My first has T1D and was diagnosed with it before we had a second. T1D was waking up every night sometimes multiple times a night to give insulin. Lots of medical appointments, a clinical trial, meetings with school. New technology came out right before I gave birth to #2 that meant for the first time in 2 years I could sleep through the night.

As far as more kids, late 30s fertility for me was awful. Multiple losses and IVF. Tons of medical appointments and emotional pain. So there's that too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My first has T1D and was diagnosed with it before we had a second. T1D was waking up every night sometimes multiple times a night to give insulin. Lots of medical appointments, a clinical trial, meetings with school. New technology came out right before I gave birth to #2 that meant for the first time in 2 years I could sleep through the night.

As far as more kids, late 30s fertility for me was awful. Multiple losses and IVF. Tons of medical appointments and emotional pain. So there's that too.

I am so glad that new technology meant good things for your family.

My DS is in medication, but it only helps for about 8 hours a day, max. The rest of the time is a lot of sitting with him to make sure he gets dressed, eats, brushes his teeth, etc. We must be tethered to him for him to get these things done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My first has T1D and was diagnosed with it before we had a second. T1D was waking up every night sometimes multiple times a night to give insulin. Lots of medical appointments, a clinical trial, meetings with school. New technology came out right before I gave birth to #2 that meant for the first time in 2 years I could sleep through the night.

As far as more kids, late 30s fertility for me was awful. Multiple losses and IVF. Tons of medical appointments and emotional pain. So there's that too.

I am so glad that new technology meant good things for your family.

My DS is in medication, but it only helps for about 8 hours a day, max. The rest of the time is a lot of sitting with him to make sure he gets dressed, eats, brushes his teeth, etc. We must be tethered to him for him to get these things done.

My suggestion would be to find solutions to divide and conquer. If that's not possible because of someone's job then that needs to be adjusted before adding more responsibilities in the mix. If you are doing all the heavy lifting and your partner has no interest, that's also an issue.

[Anonymous]

Our child was not as high needs as yours but it still was clear we were having trouble holding it together as a family with one and we worried about how we would do with a second.

We ended up trying but not hard (did not pursue any ART which we kind of knew would be necessary). No real regrets (aside from idly wondering what it would be like to have a kid of the other gender) but for me having a kid was the important thing— never felt as strongly about having a second.

Anyway just want to say it’s a perfectly legit reason to stop at one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Our child was not as high needs as yours but it still was clear we were having trouble holding it together as a family with one and we worried about how we would do with a second.

We ended up trying but not hard (did not pursue any ART which we kind of knew would be necessary). No real regrets (aside from idly wondering what it would be like to have a kid of the other gender) but for me having a kid was the important thing— never felt as strongly about having a second.

Anyway just want to say it’s a perfectly legit reason to stop at one.

Thanks. I bet this is the road we will take: try, don’t go for any medical interventions. Hope for the best on personalities.

[Anonymous]

Aldo I would try to simplify your life so someone could be home most of the day. Work from home maybe or get a job close by. Less hours too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Aldo I would try to simplify your life so someone could be home most of the day. Work from home maybe or get a job close by. Less hours too.

I would love for this to be me (the wife in the relationship), but I am more than halfway through vesting in some substantial retirement benefits that will benefit our family in the long term. I would be leaving significant money (probably more than a million dollars, plus health care costs) towards retirement security on the table if I made a change.

DH likes going to the office.

[Anonymous]

Life doesn’t always turn out as planned. I would focus on your family and move on from the idea of a second. You’ll all be happier in the long run if you’re not stretched too thin raising two only children.

[Anonymous]

Well, we had a first that was very high needs and had a second, but it was before we understood that the high needs would never end. When we got the genetic disorder diagnosis for Kid #1 at age 3, it wasn’t even a year later when Kid #2 got a cancer diagnosis. So, it was basically bananas.

Now, more than a decade later, our oldest has profound intellectual disability. She hasn’t slept through the night in 14 years. We have to change diapers, bathe her, feed her, dress her, etc. It is exhausting. We solve many of the issues by throwing money at them. We pay for in home help 7 days a week.

Kid #2 is thriving. Frankly, I’m glad we didn’t have the actual genetic diagnosis because we probably would have passed on Kid #2, which I would regret.

But the caveat for me is that we had lots of money to deal with Kid #1. If not, it would be a total disaster. My husband also own his own business and had a lot of flexibility for appointments. He is also an incredibly patient person who doesn’t resent kid stuff generally. We also both have robust mental health. Neither of us is prone to anxiety or depression. Without money and time, this never would have worked. We would likely be divorced after screaming at each other over who had changed the most diapers over a 5-10 year period. And I say this as a couple who has never yelled at each other.

So, what I really mean to say is you really, really have to evaluate all your resources (financial, time, emotional, strength of marriage, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aldo I would try to simplify your life so someone could be home most of the day. Work from home maybe or get a job close by. Less hours too.

I would love for this to be me (the wife in the relationship), but I am more than halfway through vesting in some substantial retirement benefits that will benefit our family in the long term. I would be leaving significant money (probably more than a million dollars, plus health care costs) towards retirement security on the table if I made a change.

DH likes going to the office.

Ok, I’m the poster with one kid with ID and the other had cancer. Your husband not wanting to change his job because he “likes” the office isn’t a great sign. Somebody either has to be flexible or you need a whole bunch of money for a third set of hands.

[Anonymous]

Just move near a workplace

[Anonymous]

I have three. First is now a young adult who had/has high needs. It got so much worse in HS. Second has intellectual difficulties, also a kid who had an IEP. His issues were just time consuming. Third has no special needs. She was a high needs baby due to severe separation issues but that’s not hard to deal with. My oldest and youngest kids are 10 years apart. I would have regretted not having more kids and I have loved our crazy life most of the time.

We also both work out of the home and we both have intense jobs and no family in the area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just move near a workplace

We both work in an expensive business district without a lot of kids around. I don’t think that would work well for us with our budget or mental health.

[Anonymous]

My first has anxiety. My second add. Our third is so far chill. Full disclosure I work part time from home at a boring but we’ll paying job. Our house is not fancy. I think you will find a way to make it work op.