Evaluating trying for a second child when only child is known to have high needs

[Anonymous]

My oldest had more needs than yours, and I wasn’t aware how consuming they would be until after I was pregnant with our second. Which is a blessing, having a NT child for us has been amazing. Such an easy joy. The first is still very impacted at 12. May not live independently. We had a third 10 years aft T our first and she’s also a total joy. No issues. For us having a big family and really just a diversity in parenting experiences has made our lives so much better. I think we would have been divorced and miserable if our child with special needs was our only. Too much sadness and focus.

[Anonymous]

We stopped at one when we realized our son had special needs.

I wasn't willing to take the risk.

[Anonymous]

No, I wouldn’t have another kid. First, the age gap is too much. Second, your subsequent children are likely to have the same issues. Every family I know with an WDHD kid has another one with it too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, I wouldn’t have another kid. First, the age gap is too much. Second, your subsequent children are likely to have the same issues. Every family I know with an WDHD kid has another one with it too.

I know numerous kids with disabilities because my son has attended SN schools his whole life, and they all have NT siblings. So your sample size doesn’t dictate this.

Op, it’s not nice to say this but the most miserable parents of SN kids I know, and I know many, have only one kid. I’d talk to a geneticist and consider it carefully.

[Anonymous]

My oldest was born premature with a global developmental delay, LDs, ADHD/ASD. I knew I wanted more than one, but it took me years to recover from his traumatic birth. The special needs were actually not a consideration, it was more the memory of that horrible emergency birth I needed to get over.

My second is gifted and high-achieving, OP, so you never know what you're going to get! She has no neurodivergence. Sadly, she was recently diagnosed with an auto-immune disease that will plague her for life.

I am so happy that I have two. They're years apart, and have diametrically opposite personalities, but they get on so well!

It's a lottery. You roll the dice every time. I don't want to push you one way or the other, but I think you should project yourself into the future and think: "Will I regret not having a second in 10, 20, 30 years?". Childcare is intense but short, in the grand scheme of things. Also, given your age, even if you start trying now you might never succeed.

[Anonymous]

I think overly focusing on the SN kid doesn’t always help them. I have three kids with ADHD, and it means I have to be careful about what therapies I say yes to. There is a lot of “but how helpful would this really be?” And I think that’s good. If I had only one kid with ADHD, that kid and their disorder would run the family’s life.

And that’s not the message I want to send my kids. My message is: you are loved and important, but you are not the center of everything. You have ADHD so some things are harder for you than others, and I expect you to excel with reasonable accommodations. Don’t blame your ADHD for stuff without also giving me an (ADHD-friendly) plan for what you will do better next time.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know, this is hard. The likelihood of second child to have some element of ADHD is high. So worst case, they do, and in the throws of your oldest needing a lot more support as they enter middle school/high school with executive function, study skills, you helping staying on top of homework, IEPs, and such…your youngest will be in the hyperactive phase of childhood adhd. It will be hard.

Even if your youngest is neurotypical, that will likely mean their needs gets ignored a lot while you heavily focus on your tween/teens needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Aldo I would try to simplify your life so someone could be home most of the day. Work from home maybe or get a job close by. Less hours too.

I would love for this to be me (the wife in the relationship), but I am more than halfway through vesting in some substantial retirement benefits that will benefit our family in the long term. I would be leaving significant money (probably more than a million dollars, plus health care costs) towards retirement security on the table if I made a change.

DH likes going to the office.

Ok, I’m the poster with one kid with ID and the other had cancer. Your husband not wanting to change his job because he “likes” the office isn’t a great sign. Somebody either has to be flexible or you need a whole bunch of money for a third set of hands.

This. It’s a huge red flag. If you aren’t willing to make any changes, I think the second child is going to drown you both.

[Anonymous]

This is my situation almost exactly. Except my first, and only, was born before yours. But he takes all of my energy and patience. I am glad we dont have a second because i am able to focus on his needs and occasionally still have time for myself. But I have a close friend with an older child like mine, and second very easy going child and she says having the 2nd makes the 1st easier because she had perspective that its not her fault, and is able to enjoy some parenting things that she cannot with the first, so its a rewarding experience.

Its impossible to tell what your scenario will be. I think you have to go in to it accepting that it could be worse. If you cant handle that, dont gamble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Life doesn’t always turn out as planned. I would focus on your family and move on from the idea of a second. You’ll all be happier in the long run if you’re not stretched too thin raising two only children.

+100% to this. Focus on what you have and how to settle into the kid you were given. Don't recommend a second.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is my situation almost exactly. Except my first, and only, was born before yours. But he takes all of my energy and patience. I am glad we dont have a second because i am able to focus on his needs and occasionally still have time for myself. But I have a close friend with an older child like mine, and second very easy going child and she says having the 2nd makes the 1st easier because she had perspective that its not her fault, and is able to enjoy some parenting things that she cannot with the first, so its a rewarding experience.

Its impossible to tell what your scenario will be. I think you have to go in to it accepting that it could be worse. If you cant handle that, dont gamble.

Kind of this. I’d really consider what it will mean if your older child doesn’t go to college, marry, etc. To me, I wanted a chance to experience those things.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like covid did you a favor. Your household doesnt sound like it would be good for a second child. It seems like your child and any potential sibling would suffer.

[Anonymous]

My oldest has Down syndrome, and so far my youngest appears to be neurotypical. Having a typical kid has been healing for us in a lot of ways, and we are really happy that we have both kids. But we went in knowing that there was a chance we would have another child with high needs. Part of me wishes I could have a 3rd, but I’m not sure I’m willing to risk it again. We have our hands full with two.

[Anonymous]

I would try for a second. As for the age gap, in my experience a larger age gap makes a lot of things easier. It’s certainly easier than, say, having 2 under 2.

[Anonymous]

How would your presumably inflexible, easily frustrated 8 year old feel about a baby in the house when he’s 9, 10+ years old? Your child’s preferences shouldn’t dictate your family planning of course, but if he’s really opposed to the idea you could be setting yourself up for a very unhappy household and strained sibling relationship. 9+ years between kids is a LOT and a baby and toddler is very disruptive to an older child who’s settled on their life and family as-is.