How do y’all afford kids ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The key is that there is never a "perfect" time. So just go for it, and you will figure it out. I remember when our kids were young, we were spending more on daycare than my BIL was spending on college (in state) for his kid. Even though it felt like there was never enough money, we always squeaked by.

This. $170K is a healthy HHI and is enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had kids in my 20s in grad school while we were living in a one-bedroom rental and had no car. When DC1 was born 18 years ago we were making a joint total of 60K. I am so glad I've had this time with my kids and I don't regret it for one single second. We still live a frugal life in a small house and old cars, but we can afford any college for all our kids, and our retirement is taken care of. We don't need more.

This question comes up regularly on here. Right now, there's a thread written by someone in her late 30s who was persuaded by her husband to wait to have kids until they had a house, more income, etc, and who then had infertility issues, and now her father's dead and she's depressed, her husband just told her he didn't think they should have kids.

There will never be a perfect time. You don't need what you think you need. Most people in the world will never be as rich as you, and have kids anyway. DCUM is its own weird "money first, kids later" bubble. And the money they talk about has nothing to do with the working class, or even sometimes the middle class.

In the end, people's innermost desires speak for themselves in the actions they take. Those who really want kids have the kids as early as humanely possible. Those who are on the fence rationalize it by thinking about money and waiting for more.

There is no right answer, only what feels right to you. Hopefully it's also what feels right to your spouse. But I'm here to tell you that infertility may dog you when you're older, IVF doesn't always work, and it's best to be a young and fit parent if you can. You don't need a house right away, and you don't need a big fancy wedding either.

Exactly. I had my first kids in my 20s.

I'd like to add that the woman should have a bachelor's degree first. I've never used it, but it's a way of ensuring a path to work should she ever need it. That said, my sister in law married at 18 and is now a practicing speech therapist with a masters degree... people have different trajectories

[Anonymous]

like others have said you make it work! We had a similar income to you when starting out. One thing is, your income usually continues to rise over time. And your lifestyle adjusts. You don't eat out as much, vacations are different, your money starts to go towards different things. You prioritize differently. You can do it. Have a modest wedding and then start trying for kids when you feel ready but don't wait too long.

[Anonymous]

I would not wait just to have everything you want. The big wedding to me is least important - you can always plan a big party later in life.

If you want kids, have them, and make it work. We ended up living in a 1 bedroom apartment for my daughte'rs first 1.5 years - and it ended up working out just fine. For the daycare years, we never ate out, drove to visit family for vacations, saved very little except for a down payment, etc - and it was fine.

Kids are now in middle and high school and we live in a decent house in the middle burbs, give them all kind of fun experiences, go on international trips, save for college. They live a good life. Our incomes went up over time but nothing crazy.

We stopped at two kids though because we knew we couldn't afford all this with three. I go back and forth on whether we should have just gone for the third.

[Anonymous]

Just don’t have a wedding. Maybe like a dinner with family budget $500. I was lucky my family paid for 90 percent of my wedding and I look back and can’t believe we spent that much money on one day.

We earn more money than you guys but the truth is I have seen over and over that people can out spend any income. Keep your monthly expenses low, build up a rainy day fund of 6 months (including future day care costs) and go for it.

I had my first at 30 and at the time it felt like I had all the time in the world but now I’m so so glad we didn’t wait any longer. I am 40 now and I’m so thankful I don’t have toddlers. I think people can do it but for me the energy drop off is significant. My kids are the best thing in my life- don’t gamble with the chance if you don’t have to!

[Anonymous]

Easy you just have to prioritize. We got married in 2016 and had 90 people, but a low key wedding that cost us $19k total. No parental help. HHI under $100k.

Bought a house in 2017 at 27yo. Interest rates were better then, but we didn't even come close to spending what we were approved for. We bought a very outdated, original 1963 raised ranch. It only had one owner and was meticulously maintained. No parental help. It's a corner lot in an awesome school district, huge yard and butts right up to the neighborhood park. We still haven't renovated anything other than cosmetic (still cook dinner in the double oven from the 60s).

Had our first baby at 27yo in 2018, HHI of $120k. I moved to a much more flexible job, used an in home day care 30 hours per week.

Had our second baby at 30yo in 2021. HHI of $150k. Older one was able to go to public preschool and younger one took the in home daycare spot so childcare payments did not increase.

Maybe I'm the oddball, but I never once considered waiting on kids for a certain income. It all worked out great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t believe I’m poor with my 100k salary…but that’s how it feels.
My fiancé and I make 170k combined. Surely. That’s enough! But we live in a two bedroom apartment and don’t know when we will be able to buy a house. And thinking about the expenses of kids is absolutely overwhelming. I’ve wanted to set a timeline since we got engaged a few months ago, but we just have not been able to figure out how to get the money for a family and our future . Did you all get a ton of money from your parents ? I truly do not know how you all do it. I want kids, a house, and a wedding but any one of those things works drain my savings immensely. I’m 30 and my partner is also mid thirties, so it’s disheartening that we are this stressed, with good jobs and advanced degrees.

We are deeply lucky to be just 10 years older than you guys. We have a similar HHI, but were able to buy a 4 bedroom house in DC for $400,000. Public school for our kids. Just pure dumb luck.

[Anonymous]

Stick to just one kid. Two is exponentially more expensive, trust me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey this issue is really hard! Good for you for trying to think ahead. Kids can be insanely expensive but are worth it. We have just one and it sure makes things easier - travel, smaller house need, smaller car ok, etc but obviously people much less well off than us have tons of kids. I’d say the biggest gauntlet to having kids is childcare until free prek. If you can get through that you’ll figure out the rest. Get on the daycare waitlists early - potentially even before have a kid (the worst!). Or do a nanny share.

I disagree. Do not think ahead on this issue. At least at your age and income. Just do it. All will be fine. You can’t plan this out.

[Anonymous]

You'll be fine. You can absolutely live in a 2 bedroom apartment with a baby. Childcare is expensive but definitely affordable on a $170k salary unless you have some other super significant expense, like taking care of an elderly parent. You may need to make lifestyle adjustments for sure, like moving further away from the city where housing and childcare are more affordable, but you don't need to own your own place or make over 200k to have a baby.

[Anonymous]

You're right you can't afford all 3. We spaced ours out. Married at 25, house at 30, kids 32-35. If you want them all right now at 30, you should elope. The older you wait to get married, the more people expect too. I had a lovely wedding, but people didn't expect much from mine at 25 (and of course gave us less money because we were young). No money from parents. I would definitely suggest getting a house before kids. Our daycare bills are $2500 a month. Hard to save for a house with that. Prior to having kids we made like 170k and saved about 50-70k a year. Not so easy to be frugal when you have to spend so much on daycare, so much on food, have to buy more plane tickets, more everything really. And you can't work overtime because you want to be present for them too. Grandparents demands go through the roof too. So if you didn't have to travel nonstop before, you will once you have kids and you will be paying the holiday airfare and hotel rates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Pp here I meant to add - get friends who will talk about the costs with you and how this country’s lack of social safety net and lack of support for moms sucks!!!

That’s the last thing OP needs.
No.
Don’t surround yourself with sympathetic complainers to sit around and commiserate with you, OP. (Not that PP is wrong about the brokenness of certain things…but whining and griping with others who agree with you is not going to SOLVE this issue for you. And you want to solve it—right??)

So move forward.
Resolve to figure it out!
Hop online and take a Dave Ramsey financial freedom course and then start making some hard, HARD financial decisions like no more eating out.
No more credit card debt.
No fancy cars that you can’t afford.

Save for the things you want and stop spending frivolously without account for your spending.

Your income is not the problem.
But if you think it is—then increase the hustle and get a side gig to make up the difference for a while.

Be proactive and get in the game on this. You can achieve your goals, OP

[Anonymous]

You do what you can with what you have and make choices accordingly. My parents had 4 kids in a nice suburb making less at their peak than I made in my very first real job. Where there's a will there's a way.

[Anonymous]

The partner making 70k should try to shoot for 100k - that would help. Unfortunately the cost of living in this area is high and inflation has degraded the power of our salaries

[Anonymous]

I got mine with a coupon!