Teens bedroom is a health hazard but teen won't clean it. CPS breathing down my neck. Wtd?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It may be a helpful reframe for you to accept that it’s not that she is not fix this - she can’t. She is not capable. It’s sad and awful and likely true.

She may not be able to fix it, but she can prevent her mother from changing the status quo. That is within her power. It doesn't make her a bad kid -- there are a lot of reasons this might pan out that way -- but she can block her mother from changing what is happening, and that can really limit the possible outcomes.

[Anonymous]

OP you have to prioritize 1) your job and 2) custody of your other 3 kids.

Your teen's problems are BIG and a threat to the family. She wants to be elsewhere, talk to ex-DH about things. You should be in contact with her, get her help, etc., but, not under your roof if you can find any alternative - her dad, a family member, therapeutic boarding school, etc. Her problems may never fully resolve and the risks to 4 others are too high.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be a helpful reframe for you to accept that it’s not that she is not fix this - she can’t. She is not capable. It’s sad and awful and likely true.

She may not be able to fix it, but she can prevent her mother from changing the status quo. That is within her power. It doesn't make her a bad kid -- there are a lot of reasons this might pan out that way -- but she can block her mother from changing what is happening, and that can really limit the possible outcomes.

OP could lose her job and custody of 3 other kids. OP you have to triage.

[Anonymous]

Let me just say that if someone from CPS showed up on my doorstep and asked to see my kids room, I would slam the door in their face.

Why would you let them in the house OP?

[Anonymous]

The possible outcomes are catastrophic. Do you know what could happen to the other 3 if they go into foster care? OP cannot keep taking days off work for a repeating threat, it needs to be addressed in a way that puts a floor in life for the others. The one kid is traumatized. Mental illness can drag them all down with the teen. OP has to be responsible and keep the train on the tracks. Get DD into another environment, it's also what she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It may be a helpful reframe for you to accept that it’s not that she is not fix this - she can’t. She is not capable. It’s sad and awful and likely true.

She may not be able to fix it, but she can prevent her mother from changing the status quo. That is within her power. It doesn't make her a bad kid -- there are a lot of reasons this might pan out that way -- but she can block her mother from changing what is happening, and that can really limit the possible outcomes.

OP could lose her job and custody of 3 other kids. OP you have to triage.

I'm unclear -- are you quoting me because you think you are disagreeing with me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Let me just say that if someone from CPS showed up on my doorstep and asked to see my kids room, I would slam the door in their face.

Why would you let them in the house OP?

How is this remotely helpful at this point? DP.

[Anonymous]

My brother was like this growing up. He was smart and went to great (ivy level) schools. Now bipolar, manic buying/ hoarding, etc.

[Anonymous]

What a total load of crap. Do any of you actually believe this is real?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Send her to boarding school.

How do you force a kid to go to boarding school? Tie them up in the car?

[Anonymous]

Why would you only go in once a month if there was rotting food? If you are at work and she is taking food in her room when you aren't there why aren't you picking up her room every night?

I would buy disposable plates, cups, and utensils for her to use and every night go in with a trash bag and throw away any food, drinks, trash. Dirty clothes go into a hamper in the laundry room.

Buy two of these storage systems from IKEA
https://www.ikea.com/us/en/p/trofast-storage-combination-with-boxes-white-white-s69228473/
Label each one with a sharpie. One drawer is underwear, one bras, one socks, one T-shirts, one pants, one shorts/jeans or whatever she wears most.

Next system is for shoes on the bottom tubs, any school papers and books go in the top three.

If she has more junk then buy another storage system that gets labeled.

The key is not to have anything on the floor besides bed, nightstand, storage system, and trashcan.

Remove any other furniture including any chest or drawers that is probably a mess of stuff.

You need to do the sweep literally every night for weeks and weeks throwing away trash putting everything into the assigned tubs until she understands how a clean and organized person lives. Don't get into an argument and try and make her do it every night. She isn't going to but after you doing it for weeks it really will start to sink in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The possible outcomes are catastrophic. Do you know what could happen to the other 3 if they go into foster care? OP cannot keep taking days off work for a repeating threat, it needs to be addressed in a way that puts a floor in life for the others. The one kid is traumatized. Mental illness can drag them all down with the teen. OP has to be responsible and keep the train on the tracks. Get DD into another environment, it's also what she wants.

No.

CPS is not taking kids away in this scenario. The cases where CPS takes kids away are DIRE and URGENT. This isn't is. The kid isn't in any danger. It's amazing the case worker is coming back to check, actually. Usually they don't care about these situations.

Gosh, you guys are ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Get rid of 95% of everything in the room.

If the rest of the home is clean, your kids are fed and well cared for, they are not going to want to deal with the hassle of trying to place a teen. They would likely want to provide you services and periodic visits.

TBH if it was me, I would contact an attorney before the next visit.

The PP is right when they showed up you should have asked for the warrant and if none politely declined allowing them in.

[Anonymous]

CPS does not return visits to a messy room. I’ve seen a teen’s room firsthand. I asked her mother if she wanted my help and she agreed. My dd slept over sometimes.

Her room, You cannot see any floor at all. She’s an over eater so there was food, dirty dishes and bottles everywhere. She had two bureaus completely empty. Her clothing was all on the floor. I took out 8 large bags of trash and it hardly made a dent.

She wouldn’t help and when I tried taking out some toys she was too old for she started screaming so the room is left undone.

I wish I could have done more but she was freaking out. It’s sad but I can’t have my dd sleep there anymore. There’s a big difference between messy rooms and a hoarders room. Hoarders like their garbage surrounding them too, not just stuff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The possible outcomes are catastrophic. Do you know what could happen to the other 3 if they go into foster care? OP cannot keep taking days off work for a repeating threat, it needs to be addressed in a way that puts a floor in life for the others. The one kid is traumatized. Mental illness can drag them all down with the teen. OP has to be responsible and keep the train on the tracks. Get DD into another environment, it's also what she wants.

No.

CPS is not taking kids away in this scenario. The cases where CPS takes kids away are DIRE and URGENT. This isn't is. The kid isn't in any danger. It's amazing the case worker is coming back to check, actually. Usually they don't care about these situations.

Gosh, you guys are ignorant.

They don't always come back but this one is.

You are actually the one who is ignorant about CPS.