Teens bedroom is a health hazard but teen won't clean it. CPS breathing down my neck. Wtd?

[Anonymous]

I would remove every scrap of her possessions and furniture from the room, except her bed, bedding (one fitted, one flat and one pillow in case with on blanket), clothes for a week, and school items, plus one plastic tub for clean clothes and one laundry sparse. everything else would go in storage. She would earn items back slowly as she leaned to keep what sparse things she was allowed to keep clean. if she does not comply at least cleaning will be easy.

[Anonymous]

talk to text, so sorry if this is rambling. My oldest son was smoking pot and staying out late and refusing to follow any rules. I am also divorced from his father. When I started to lay down the hammer and tell him, his behavior was unacceptable. He made demands to go to his father‘s house. His father lives much like your daughter. He is filthy and mentally unstable, and is generally an unstable person. within 3 months of living with my chaotic ex-husband my son was begging to come home and agreed to my rules. I only let him back in under the agreement that he would not be creating chaos for the entire household, including his siblings, who did not need to be subjected to his bullshit. He is now in college and is on the Dean’s list.

I say let her go live with her father.

[Anonymous]

Hi, I was a troubled teen that refused medication and sat in silence during therapy. It was forced on me, it wasn't my choice and this was my rebellion.

It took me many years to have a positive relationship with medication and therapy. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Group therapy never helped and I would never recommend it. Being around similar girls kept me feeling down and all I did was learn new tips and tricks to refuse, hide and conceal my actions.

What would have helped? Finding a mentor, a very specific person who connected with me. I thrive on those relationships today and place high value on them.

Someone who might share some of the history you're describing and who has been able to overcome it. Someone she can look up to and won't judge her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What? Her friend’s parents called CPS for a dirty room?

It’s a hoarders room. You have to start by removing almost everything from her room when she’s not home. She should only have a bed, a bureau with a week’s worth of clothes and that’s it. Don’t buy any food that she would want to bring into her room. No snack food. Every night you would need to look around the room. It would be easy without junk in there. This type of hoarding can be a type of mental illness which is hard to stop.

+1
Strip the bedroom down to the absolute bare necessities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

She will not keep her room clean ever. Under any circumstances. There is rotting food, bugs, clothes everywhere. Her room makes me feel physically ill to walk into.

I'd take everything out. Give her a set of clothes every day. No food in room, just a bed. Take the door off if you have to. Put it all in storage bins for now. Get an exterminator.

This is mental illness and possibly addiction.

If her dad will take her, save the other 3. They are at risk now that CPS is visiting.

How do people enforce this? I have a teen with ASD/ADHD whose room is disgusting. How do people enforce no food? I have turned off her phone more times than I can count. She has impulse control issues and she gets food at night and eats it in bed. She doesn't want to go out so grounding her would have no affect. She doesn't like when I take her phone/ipad away but it doesn't fix the problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She will not keep her room clean ever. Under any circumstances. There is rotting food, bugs, clothes everywhere. Her room makes me feel physically ill to walk into.

I'd take everything out. Give her a set of clothes every day. No food in room, just a bed. Take the door off if you have to. Put it all in storage bins for now. Get an exterminator.

This is mental illness and possibly addiction.

If her dad will take her, save the other 3. They are at risk now that CPS is visiting.

How do people enforce this? I have a teen with ASD/ADHD whose room is disgusting. How do people enforce no food? I have turned off her phone more times than I can count. She has impulse control issues and she gets food at night and eats it in bed. She doesn't want to go out so grounding her would have no affect. She doesn't like when I take her phone/ipad away but it doesn't fix the problem.

Either don't buy packaged snack food or lock it up. Keep reinforcing food only in kitchen or at dining table rule. Have a time of day wifi goes off, on a timer or controlled by you. Again, strip the room. She should not think "disgusting" is normal. Start with minimal, work with her to pick up daily and clean weekly. It's a training issue and requires consistency over a long period of time. She sounds addicted to electronics, so limit that too. Don't turn off in response, make screen time earned.

[Anonymous]

Haven’t read all the replies, but she’s a hoarder. It’s a serious mental illness and you can’t leave it up to her to keep her room clean. She possibly will not be able to live independently in her life.

Go in there when she’s not home and throw out everything except what she absolutely needs. Then daily cleanouts after that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She will not keep her room clean ever. Under any circumstances. There is rotting food, bugs, clothes everywhere. Her room makes me feel physically ill to walk into.

I'd take everything out. Give her a set of clothes every day. No food in room, just a bed. Take the door off if you have to. Put it all in storage bins for now. Get an exterminator.

This is mental illness and possibly addiction.

If her dad will take her, save the other 3. They are at risk now that CPS is visiting.

How do people enforce this? I have a teen with ASD/ADHD whose room is disgusting. How do people enforce no food? I have turned off her phone more times than I can count. She has impulse control issues and she gets food at night and eats it in bed. She doesn't want to go out so grounding her would have no affect. She doesn't like when I take her phone/ipad away but it doesn't fix the problem.

Either don't buy packaged snack food or lock it up. Keep reinforcing food only in kitchen or at dining table rule. Have a time of day wifi goes off, on a timer or controlled by you. Again, strip the room. She should not think "disgusting" is normal. Start with minimal, work with her to pick up daily and clean weekly. It's a training issue and requires consistency over a long period of time. She sounds addicted to electronics, so limit that too. Don't turn off in response, make screen time earned.

LOCK UP food? I'm just not willing to go there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She will not keep her room clean ever. Under any circumstances. There is rotting food, bugs, clothes everywhere. Her room makes me feel physically ill to walk into.

I'd take everything out. Give her a set of clothes every day. No food in room, just a bed. Take the door off if you have to. Put it all in storage bins for now. Get an exterminator.

This is mental illness and possibly addiction.

If her dad will take her, save the other 3. They are at risk now that CPS is visiting.

How do people enforce this? I have a teen with ASD/ADHD whose room is disgusting. How do people enforce no food? I have turned off her phone more times than I can count. She has impulse control issues and she gets food at night and eats it in bed. She doesn't want to go out so grounding her would have no affect. She doesn't like when I take her phone/ipad away but it doesn't fix the problem.

Either don't buy packaged snack food or lock it up. Keep reinforcing food only in kitchen or at dining table rule. Have a time of day wifi goes off, on a timer or controlled by you. Again, strip the room. She should not think "disgusting" is normal. Start with minimal, work with her to pick up daily and clean weekly. It's a training issue and requires consistency over a long period of time. She sounds addicted to electronics, so limit that too. Don't turn off in response, make screen time earned.

Also in what way of my reading is my kid addicted to electronics? I'm not the OP, I'm PP tho. My kid isn't addicted. Hence why removing phone/ipad doesn't have enough affect.

[Anonymous]

I grew up with hoarders and I empathize with your daughter. She is likely blind to the mess. Please let her know that she is not alone and that many other teenagers are dealing with this and that she can learn new skills so that she doesn't have to live like her father.

This is not laziness or a moral failing. Her brain is very different than yours and she is going to struggle.

Has she been assessed for ADHD? That sounds very likely.

I would not keep her in therapy that isn't working. See if you can find a therapist that specializes in chronic disorganization or hoarding. Ideally someone who has overcome or is living with its challenges.

On a very basic note, the advice to simplify is best. Remove everything from her room except the bare necessities...bed, bedside table, desk, bedding, clothes for tomorrow, and any ideas she uses daily, like a journal.

Add items back only as she learns to tidy them daily. For instance, clothes... organize one drawer at a time. Declutter as you reintroduce the item. So, she can have her shirts drawer back as you teach her how to fold (I highly recommend the Marie Kondo folding method for clothes because filing shirts like file folders allows you to see them in the drawer at once, which helps adhd.)

Just go in and pack everything up in tubs that you keep in your room. Let her add back a little bit at a time slowly, only as she can handle it.

Morning reset should be simple: just make bed and put yesterday's clothes into hamper.

Nighttime reset should be everything off floors and surfaces (put away) before lights out.

Highly recommend reading How To Keep House While Drowning with her as an audiobook. The author's podcast is great too. She is Struggle Carr on Insta.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

She will not keep her room clean ever. Under any circumstances. There is rotting food, bugs, clothes everywhere. Her room makes me feel physically ill to walk into.

I'd take everything out. Give her a set of clothes every day. No food in room, just a bed. Take the door off if you have to. Put it all in storage bins for now. Get an exterminator.

This is mental illness and possibly addiction.

If her dad will take her, save the other 3. They are at risk now that CPS is visiting.

How do people enforce this? I have a teen with ASD/ADHD whose room is disgusting. How do people enforce no food? I have turned off her phone more times than I can count. She has impulse control issues and she gets food at night and eats it in bed. She doesn't want to go out so grounding her would have no affect. She doesn't like when I take her phone/ipad away but it doesn't fix the problem.

I started laying the rules when I noticed my DC hoarding snacks and toys in groups in cabinets and wall corners. It didn't work when DC was very young but as DC got older, DC understood the no food upstairs rule.