DH has two “work wives” and it makes me irrationally crazy

[Anonymous]

I don’t even think you need to set a boundary. I had a “work husband.” We were good friends but it was a lot like being his sister. I was friends with the wife too.

There’s intimacy that comes from spending so much time with someone. But it’s the “we almost missed our flight because you were pooping” kind of intimacy. The “when you have allergies you make the most irritating noise I have ever heard” kind of intimacy. It’s the kind of intimacy that often makes the other kind LESS likely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I know how basically everyone in my sphere takes their coffee. It’s just basic manners.

This. Do you want your DH to work with real people or with robots?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t even think you need to set a boundary. I had a “work husband.” We were good friends but it was a lot like being his sister. I was friends with the wife too.

There’s intimacy that comes from spending so much time with someone. But it’s the “we almost missed our flight because you were pooping” kind of intimacy. The “when you have allergies you make the most irritating noise I have ever heard” kind of intimacy. It’s the kind of intimacy that often makes the other kind LESS likely.

That’s weird, because that’s the kind of intimacy I have with my husband but would be mortified to have with my male coworkers!

[Anonymous]

1. You need to work on yourself. This is the most important bit. Stop being so jealous and insecure. Explore WHY you're feeling like this now, and not before. Are you in perimenopause? That's usually the reason

2. Your husband needs to not mention their skills and talents in quite that off-hand manner. You have to tell him about your feelings. Yes, you're ridiculous, but a compassionate partner will watch his tongue just a little.

3. Also, in case you didn't know, your husband is perfectly normal. My husband does that, I do that, my friends do that: ie, have good work friends of both genders and casually mention great things about them, and how helpful they can be in private or professional matters. It sure beats a toxic workplace where everyone stabs everyone else behind their backs!

[Anonymous]

This can be a slippery slope. Emotional affairs can happen even to the least suspecting. Sorry. If it goes on for years, even worse.

[Anonymous]

I have a good guy friend at work. 99% of our conversations are about work. When his wife came to the office I could tell immediately she was jealous of me and wasn’t a fan. I basically only talked about my husband and kids after that. I’m happily married and so is my coworker.

[Anonymous]

Does he have work threeways?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This can be a slippery slope. Emotional affairs can happen even to the least suspecting. Sorry. If it goes on for years, even worse.

So it’s better for OP to hear about DH and his work day and his feelings than have it go underground. Just because he stops talking, doesn’t mean his pride in his coworkers will change.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s normal for feel mildly threatened in these circumstances. Women in the workplace are often still deferential and enjoy being caring and somewhat maternal to their male superiors. Ask yourself how many trays of holiday cookies are given to male doctors/dentists, etc. by female patients(of all ages) versus those received by female practitioners by patients of either gender. We all intuitively know that many workplaces recreate patriarchal families where the siblings compete for Daddy’s approval. Learn to let it go unless you see evidence of philandering- jealousy always weakens your position.

That’s the solution! OP starts calling them his Work Daughters. That will creep him right out.

The reason these relationships seem threatening is because we give them weird names. The word for a person you like, who knows some personal things about you is a "friend" in any other context. OP's husband has two "work friends."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s normal for feel mildly threatened in these circumstances. Women in the workplace are often still deferential and enjoy being caring and somewhat maternal to their male superiors. Ask yourself how many trays of holiday cookies are given to male doctors/dentists, etc. by female patients(of all ages) versus those received by female practitioners by patients of either gender. We all intuitively know that many workplaces recreate patriarchal families where the siblings compete for Daddy’s approval. Learn to let it go unless you see evidence of philandering- jealousy always weakens your position.

That’s the solution! OP starts calling them his Work Daughters. That will creep him right out.

The reason these relationships seem threatening is because we give them weird names. The word for a person you like, who knows some personal things about you is a "friend" in any other context. OP's husband has two "work friends."

When there is a power differential and opposite genders it can be a bit weightier than work friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

It’s normal for feel mildly threatened in these circumstances. Women in the workplace are often still deferential and enjoy being caring and somewhat maternal to their male superiors. Ask yourself how many trays of holiday cookies are given to male doctors/dentists, etc. by female patients(of all ages) versus those received by female practitioners by patients of either gender. We all intuitively know that many workplaces recreate patriarchal families where the siblings compete for Daddy’s approval. Learn to let it go unless you see evidence of philandering- jealousy always weakens your position.

That’s the solution! OP starts calling them his Work Daughters. That will creep him right out.

The reason these relationships seem threatening is because we give them weird names. The word for a person you like, who knows some personal things about you is a "friend" in any other context. OP's husband has two "work friends."

When there is a power differential and opposite genders it can be a bit weightier than work friends.

This. I had a similar “work friend” who suddenly propositioned me as we walked to our hotel rooms at a convention. I had to awkwardly tell him I didn’t look at our relationship the same way, and then I had to work with him all week! Imagine though if I had been into him!

[Anonymous]

Coffee is work-fuel, so that is OK.

Anything that is his body, your body or the kids' bodies is off limits. That is the boundary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Coffee is work-fuel, so that is OK.

Anything that is his body, your body or the kids' bodies is off limits. That is the boundary.

So no talking about your kid’s eczema? That’s crazy by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coffee is work-fuel, so that is OK.

Anything that is his body, your body or the kids' bodies is off limits. That is the boundary.

So no talking about your kid’s eczema? That’s crazy by the way.

Right? I want to know how the eczema came up in conversation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Coffee is work-fuel, so that is OK.

Anything that is his body, your body or the kids' bodies is off limits. That is the boundary.

So no talking about your kid’s eczema? That’s crazy by the way.

Right? I want to know how the eczema came up in conversation.

They sound close and are beginning to share personal details of their lives. Emotional affairs are budding.