DH has two “work wives” and it makes me irrationally crazy

[Anonymous]

I have a work husband, and when I got pregnant he invited me and my husband to a dinner with him and his wife. She gave me a ton of advice about being a new mom, and they gave us hand me downs, and were great. I became friends with her too, and one day she told me that sometimes she gets jealous because I get to spend more waking hours with her husband than she does, we talk about (technical) things she doesn't know about, and as a stay at home mom sometimes she felt "less than." I am glad she told me.

All four of us are still good friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a work husband, and when I got pregnant he invited me and my husband to a dinner with him and his wife. She gave me a ton of advice about being a new mom, and they gave us hand me downs, and were great. I became friends with her too, and one day she told me that sometimes she gets jealous because I get to spend more waking hours with her husband than she does, we talk about (technical) things she doesn't know about, and as a stay at home mom sometimes she felt "less than." I am glad she told me.

All four of us are still good friends.

This is OP and wow, yes! I work, but I definitely feel that have “relationships” and I’m a little jealous of that. My husband sometimes works 10 hour days around deadlines, and yes, he definitely spends more time a week in this “relationship” than he does with me, and then he comes home and brags about them. It sounds so irrational! How do I stop feeling this way without sounding like a desperate wife? I mean, I spend more time with my coworkers, too, but this feels different. I’m definitely not thinking of them when I’m not at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you feeling about yourself?

dp- how does op’s self image affect her husband not respecting boundaries?

His actions reflect upon him.

What boundary did he not respect?

Whatever boundary that is making his wife uncomfortable? Each marriage has boundaries that protect the marriage. They should have them, anyway.

What is the boundary he crossed? Spell it out.

op says her husband thinking of his work wives when he’s not at work and talking about his workwives when he’s off work and home? Is that correct, op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you feeling about yourself?

dp- how does op’s self image affect her husband not respecting boundaries?

His actions reflect upon him.

What boundary did he not respect?

Whatever boundary that is making his wife uncomfortable? Each marriage has boundaries that protect the marriage. They should have them, anyway.

What is the boundary he crossed? Spell it out.

op says her husband thinking of his work wives when he’s not at work and talking about his workwives when he’s off work and home? Is that correct, op?

Op also said he does the same with male coworkers

[Anonymous]

My DH has always had a work wife, but they have always been older and worked hard to make him look good. So I loved them. But I did mention to him at one point that I wouldn't have loved it had they been young and hot, even when I was still young and hot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you feeling about yourself?

dp- how does op’s self image affect her husband not respecting boundaries?

His actions reflect upon him.

What boundary did he not respect?

Whatever boundary that is making his wife uncomfortable? Each marriage has boundaries that protect the marriage. They should have them, anyway.

What is the boundary he crossed? Spell it out.

op says her husband thinking of his work wives when he’s not at work and talking about his workwives when he’s off work and home? Is that correct, op?

Op also said he does the same with male coworkers

He does, but he doesn’t brag about them, if that makes sense. I’ve heard three times in the past, maybe three months, about how great either Lara or Amy are at something, or both!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you feeling about yourself?

dp- how does op’s self image affect her husband not respecting boundaries?

His actions reflect upon him.

What boundary did he not respect?

Whatever boundary that is making his wife uncomfortable? Each marriage has boundaries that protect the marriage. They should have them, anyway.

What is the boundary he crossed? Spell it out.

op says her husband thinking of his work wives when he’s not at work and talking about his workwives when he’s off work and home? Is that correct, op?

You think you can set a boundary on what another human *thinks* about? Wow that is some controlling behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has always had a work wife, but they have always been older and worked hard to make him look good. So I loved them. But I did mention to him at one point that I wouldn't have loved it had they been young and hot, even when I was still young and hot.

OP here. I know looks/age don’t matter really when it comes to cheating, so I don’t consider their looks and didn’t mention it. They are around the same age as me, I’d say equal attractiveness, but of course that’s subjective!

[Anonymous]

If you have a good marriage, you should be able to talk to him about how you're feeling

[Anonymous]

I"m Amy. I was a "work wife" to a dude we will call Larlo. I met his first and second wives. That's the boundary.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you feeling about yourself?

dp- how does op’s self image affect her husband not respecting boundaries?

His actions reflect upon him.

What boundary did he not respect?

Whatever boundary that is making his wife uncomfortable? Each marriage has boundaries that protect the marriage. They should have them, anyway.

What is the boundary he crossed? Spell it out.

op says her husband thinking of his work wives when he’s not at work and talking about his workwives when he’s off work and home? Is that correct, op?

You think you can set a boundary on what another human *thinks* about? Wow that is some controlling behavior.

Come on, I am not op. I don’t think op wants to control her husband’s thoughts.

I don’t think op compliments her male coworkers or constantly brings them into conversation when she’s home sharing time with her husband.

[Anonymous]

It’s normal for feel mildly threatened in these circumstances. Women in the workplace are often still deferential and enjoy being caring and somewhat maternal to their male superiors. Ask yourself how many trays of holiday cookies are given to male doctors/dentists, etc. by female patients(of all ages) versus those received by female practitioners by patients of either gender. We all intuitively know that many workplaces recreate patriarchal families where the siblings compete for Daddy’s approval. Learn to let it go unless you see evidence of philandering- jealousy always weakens your position.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:How are you feeling about yourself?

dp- how does op’s self image affect her husband not respecting boundaries?

His actions reflect upon him.

What boundary did he not respect?

Whatever boundary that is making his wife uncomfortable? Each marriage has boundaries that protect the marriage. They should have them, anyway.

What is the boundary he crossed? Spell it out.

op says her husband thinking of his work wives when he’s not at work and talking about his workwives when he’s off work and home? Is that correct, op?

You think you can set a boundary on what another human *thinks* about? Wow that is some controlling behavior.

Come on, I am not op. I don’t think op wants to control her husband’s thoughts.

I don’t think op compliments her male coworkers or constantly brings them into conversation when she’s home sharing time with her husband.

I don’t think OP does either, and I don’t even think that OP thinks a boundary has been crossed.

I was responding directly to the post above mine which said the offending act including *thinking*and talking about co-worker at home. If you want someone not to violate a boundary, you have to be clear on what the boundary is. So that’s why I asked the people who said a boundary was broken to spell it out.

I personally think even Don’t compliment female coworkers on anything in a pretty problematic boundary for OP to state.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

It’s normal for feel mildly threatened in these circumstances. Women in the workplace are often still deferential and enjoy being caring and somewhat maternal to their male superiors. Ask yourself how many trays of holiday cookies are given to male doctors/dentists, etc. by female patients(of all ages) versus those received by female practitioners by patients of either gender. We all intuitively know that many workplaces recreate patriarchal families where the siblings compete for Daddy’s approval. Learn to let it go unless you see evidence of philandering- jealousy always weakens your position.

That’s the solution! OP starts calling them his Work Daughters. That will creep him right out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have a work husband, and when I got pregnant he invited me and my husband to a dinner with him and his wife. She gave me a ton of advice about being a new mom, and they gave us hand me downs, and were great. I became friends with her too, and one day she told me that sometimes she gets jealous because I get to spend more waking hours with her husband than she does, we talk about (technical) things she doesn't know about, and as a stay at home mom sometimes she felt "less than." I am glad she told me.

All four of us are still good friends.

This is OP and wow, yes! I work, but I definitely feel that have “relationships” and I’m a little jealous of that. My husband sometimes works 10 hour days around deadlines, and yes, he definitely spends more time a week in this “relationship” than he does with me, and then he comes home and brags about them. It sounds so irrational! How do I stop feeling this way without sounding like a desperate wife? I mean, I spend more time with my coworkers, too, but this feels different. I’m definitely not thinking of them when I’m not at work.

Okay, this makes a lot of sense, and I've been there, down to the part about mentioning that she was so good at something i'm not. What helped was just spending more time with my husband and re-focusing on my own life and happiness. This actually required my husband to do more with the kids, so he did wind up chatting less with the women I was jealous of for two seconds. But now that I feel better about my life and our relationship I wouldn't be as bothered.