Post Divorce Dating - Freaked about long-term security

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. You need to be very concerned about it. Many older divorcees purposely are looking for a pocketbook/nest egg. They can put on the biggest show of their life---so lovey dovey--because they need to lock down a future. If they did not work or don't work until recently, have no retirement: risk is too big to overcome. It just is.

I'm married, but worked my entire marriage, still working and I have $2.5 million just in my own 401k/employer savings plan (early 50s, woman). This is on top of many other savings and mortgage paid off on two homes. If I left my husband or he left me now---no way in effffinggg hell would I seriously consider another marriage or taking up with somebody that was broke. In 50s and beyond there is no time to recoup. Having seen what retirement/assited living facilities/care cost with my own parent---no way. NO WAY in hell.

Everything she said and a bop in the head. Hell no

[Anonymous]

I’m a woman who is divorced and has nothing. Wish I could find a man to take care of me but I’m afraid that ship has sailed. Hearing all this advice makes me feel like an awful person.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman who is divorced and has nothing. Wish I could find a man to take care of me but I’m afraid that ship has sailed. Hearing all this advice makes me feel like an awful person.

How old are you ? It’s still possible to rebuild when you are in your 40s. 50s would be too hard

[Anonymous]

You said absolutely nothing about their current financial behavior. Are all bill paid on time? Works hard every day? Stays within budget? Is he saving for retirement now? Paying off debts? Doesn't shop mindlessly.
You don't have to marry him but dating is absolutely fine while also living separately.
Why not shape him up when it comes to his finances. I could do it fairly fast.
They can always retire in Costa Rica and live fine on social security.
I dated a poor man minus bankruptcy. Money was not a problem as he had his reasons to be broke. He worked extremely hard and didn't waste money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, how old are you? I had a similar experience with someone in early 50s. He claimed not saving anything, and being poor and overly lived a very frugal lifestyle. I worked my whole life, and left my marriage with few million saved in early 40s. Once I gave him a clear statement that all our joint trips will be "on budget" with both contributing 50/50, and all international trips would be just for me and my family members, it ended very quickly.

Make it clear to him that there won't be moving in, marriage and agree on dating expenses split 50/50. Then see what happens

Maybe OP thought she would marry up, then became enlightened that all the good ones are not interested in her. It happens more often than you would think.

Especially to the cheaters. The rich good looking married ones will bang them no strings, but never want an actual real relationship with them. It’s not as easy when your not a side piece anymore- pickings are slim.

Amazed how many conclusions are already made about OP without even her responding !

Op is a man

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. You need to be very concerned about it. Many older divorcees purposely are looking for a pocketbook/nest egg. They can put on the biggest show of their life---so lovey dovey--because they need to lock down a future. If they did not work or don't work until recently, have no retirement: risk is too big to overcome. It just is.

I'm married, but worked my entire marriage, still working and I have $2.5 million just in my own 401k/employer savings plan (early 50s, woman). This is on top of many other savings and mortgage paid off on two homes. If I left my husband or he left me now---no way in effffinggg hell would I seriously consider another marriage or taking up with somebody that was broke. In 50s and beyond there is no time to recoup. Having seen what retirement/assited living facilities/care cost with my own parent---no way. NO WAY in hell.

+1

I would never remarry.

[Anonymous]

Keep him as a FWB. He is looking for a nurse with a purse.

[Anonymous]

I'm in my first relationship post divorce. My partner had almost nothing in retirement and mid 40s. I am advising him and waiting and observing. So far he has run with the info and being a very frugal person, I am not worried about him anymore. We won't marry because I don't want to mingle finances but I think he'll be ok and I'll be ok. Otherwise he is everything my ex was not, and we are happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman who is divorced and has nothing. Wish I could find a man to take care of me but I’m afraid that ship has sailed. Hearing all this advice makes me feel like an awful person.

Adults take care of themselves. A man is not a plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman who is divorced and has nothing. Wish I could find a man to take care of me but I’m afraid that ship has sailed. Hearing all this advice makes me feel like an awful person.

Wtf? That’s your problem right there.

You made the man your plan instead of working and earning and having your own 401k employer plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I am shocked how many women say that costs should be split 50:50. So many posts about how unless the guy pays for dates the woman will move on. B

I’m dating a guy now who was raised middle class, wasn’t rich to begin with and will have a lot less after he finishes divorcing his wife (he filed before I met him) who only makes $50K a year. But he’s smart and hardworking. Child support is only 2 more years and alimony is 5 at most. My only concern is how long he’ll be able to work. I make 50% more than he does but he still paid for everything early on, now we split some things but it’s still in his psychological makeup to pay, and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I’ve been with wealthy guys who were cheap and wealthy guys who thought wealth was a license to be an ahole; this guy is 100% a gentleman and a much better partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman who is divorced and has nothing. Wish I could find a man to take care of me but I’m afraid that ship has sailed. Hearing all this advice makes me feel like an awful person.

Wtf? That’s your problem right there.

You made the man your plan instead of working and earning and having your own 401k employer plan.

There’s more to the story. But yes. I f-ed up. Full of regret. Want to kill myself most days. People lecturing me about what I should have done just makes me more suicidal. But thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a woman who is divorced and has nothing. Wish I could find a man to take care of me but I’m afraid that ship has sailed. Hearing all this advice makes me feel like an awful person.

why?

[Anonymous]

This thread is just a great example of why you should not get divorced and just keep working on your marriage or even better don’t get married in the first place. It’s the quickest way to financial ruin especially for men.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is just a great example of why you should not get divorced and just keep working on your marriage or even better don’t get married in the first place. It’s the quickest way to financial ruin especially for men.

Truthfully, I see more women initiating divorces--esp. in younger age groups. I have teen sons and really am not going to care if they get married--and secretly feel it might be better if they don't.

I see a lot of really good guys getting taken for--wife was cheating or got in her head she could do better---and they not only are losing 1/2 --they are only getting to see their kids 1/2 the time which is heartbreaking for them and seeing other dudes around their kids...while paying the ex child support and alimony.