Post Divorce Dating - Freaked about long-term security

[Anonymous]

In my first serious relationship post divorce and I’m freaking out a little bit. I have always been a creature of habit so change is difficult for me. Divorce was devastating.

My partner is in their mid-50s and has nothing saved for retirement. They rent like me. They had to declare bankruptcy after a nasty divorce a decade or so ago.

I’m freaking out because while I have diligently saved for retirement I feel like I would be making an unwise financial decision to stay with this person.

I love them, but would the lack of savings scare you off? I can’t figure out if this is me overreacting or if this is truly an issue I need to be concerned about.

[Anonymous]

Yes. You need to be very concerned about it. Many older divorcees purposely are looking for a pocketbook/nest egg. They can put on the biggest show of their life---so lovey dovey--because they need to lock down a future. If they did not work or don't work until recently, have no retirement: risk is too big to overcome. It just is.

I'm married, but worked my entire marriage, still working and I have $2.5 million just in my own 401k/employer savings plan (early 50s, woman). This is on top of many other savings and mortgage paid off on two homes. If I left my husband or he left me now---no way in effffinggg hell would I seriously consider another marriage or taking up with somebody that was broke. In 50s and beyond there is no time to recoup. Having seen what retirement/assited living facilities/care cost with my own parent---no way. NO WAY in hell.

[Anonymous]

Be very, very, very concerned. Bankruptcy after divorce is not really that common, and it is the result of poor financial management during the marriage. If he's blaming financial things on his ex, red flag.

My mom has a long-term partner who manages finances poorly, and I worry all the time about how it's going to play out when he's old or sick enough that he's unable to work a job. Because at that point, it's either you support them or you break up. And it comes to a point where you might want to move or downsize together, or you need assisted living, but one person can't afford what the other person can afford.

[Anonymous]

You should not have even been dating this person. It is fine if you don’t get married. Don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my first serious relationship post divorce and I’m freaking out a little bit. I have always been a creature of habit so change is difficult for me. Divorce was devastating.

My partner is in their mid-50s and has nothing saved for retirement. They rent like me. They had to declare bankruptcy after a nasty divorce a decade or so ago.

I’m freaking out because while I have diligently saved for retirement I feel like I would be making an unwise financial decision to stay with this person.

I love them, but would the lack of savings scare you off? I can’t figure out if this is me overreacting or if this is truly an issue I need to be concerned about.

Oh come on you know the answer. This is a bad match.

[Anonymous]

If his divorce were more recent I'd be okay with it, but literally nothing saved 10 years later? Come on dude. 10 years!

Ask yourself how this plays out when you actually need assisted living. Either you pay his tab at a place you like, or he'll have to go in a publicly funded place. You won't like it. Or you might not even be eligible for it. So then what? Break up? Better to break up now.

[Anonymous]

Don't marry them

[Anonymous]

Date him, sleep with him, enjoy his company. Don't move in together and for the love of god don't marry him.

[Anonymous]

I find it interesting how many divorced people out there, usually men, claim a divorce drove them to bankruptcy or that their wife took everything. There is always something more to the story. I’m sure there is one-in-a-thousand case where the person did everything right but their ex somehow stole everything and/or left them with the debt, but most of the time that is not the case.

My ex and I started marriage with nothing and were poor by DCUM standards. Divorced 12 years in and each took half of 500k net worth and lawyers got about 2k. A few years later our individual net worths are about as much as our combined net worth was 5 years ago before the divorce. Getting divorced is not an excuse to make dumb decisions and not save and invest.

[Anonymous]

OP does the guy literally have nothing saved at all or is it just “nothing” compared to your millions?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Date him, sleep with him, enjoy his company. Don't move in together and for the love of god don't marry him.

This is right. You have conflicting values (you value financial security; he does not if he's had a recent bankruptcy). You will be miserable with him in any committed relationship, and you know this, and if you get any deeper, you have only yourself to blame.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Date him, sleep with him, enjoy his company. Don't move in together and for the love of god don't marry him.

This. Make it clear you won’t be supporting him so he can go find a sugar mama if he wants, but feel free to enjoy his company.

But this means no couples trips to Europe etc unless you pay for both of you. Is that worth it?

[Anonymous]

OP you have a judgment deficiency if you even question whether it is okay to be with this person. It isn’t. Get a grip. Respect yourself. Find a grownup not a broke loser.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting how many divorced people out there, usually men, claim a divorce drove them to bankruptcy or that their wife took everything. There is always something more to the story. I’m sure there is one-in-a-thousand case where the person did everything right but their ex somehow stole everything and/or left them with the debt, but most of the time that is not the case.

My ex and I started marriage with nothing and were poor by DCUM standards. Divorced 12 years in and each took half of 500k net worth and lawyers got about 2k. A few years later our individual net worths are about as much as our combined net worth was 5 years ago before the divorce. Getting divorced is not an excuse to make dumb decisions and not save and invest.

One of my parents found a way to hid all assets from the other. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it interesting how many divorced people out there, usually men, claim a divorce drove them to bankruptcy or that their wife took everything. There is always something more to the story. I’m sure there is one-in-a-thousand case where the person did everything right but their ex somehow stole everything and/or left them with the debt, but most of the time that is not the case.

My ex and I started marriage with nothing and were poor by DCUM standards. Divorced 12 years in and each took half of 500k net worth and lawyers got about 2k. A few years later our individual net worths are about as much as our combined net worth was 5 years ago before the divorce. Getting divorced is not an excuse to make dumb decisions and not save and invest.

NP here. Regardless, I am shocked how many second marriages have a spouse that married in that was "unaware" that the wife made/had all or most of the money and assets, and in many cases, the husband did claim bankruptcy. I find it perplexing that more second wives do not do their homework, and marry what they think someone has - their loss, I guess. But I would expect more common sense and due diligence. Are some people only looking for appearances? At that age??