DD becoming too materialistic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:My Dd , 12, is going through the exact same thing. She never used to care about this stuff but it’s friends and social media. Some of her friends are flying all over to see Taylor swift etc….She gets an alllowance (we do greenlight and it’s linked to chores) and she can put these on her bday/Xmas list but she doesn’t get it all. I tell her that I think she’s falling prey to marketing and the difference between Lululemon and generic is nothing but her additional 80$ but she doesn’t care.

Developmentally, this is a hard age. She just started middle school. My daughter clearly feels an intense need to fit in and be liked by her peers. Her friend group has shifted and I think she’s no longer close with some of her pals from last year, when things were much easier and sweeter. She is moody and incredibly embarrassed by us and especially her older brother who is, in her eyes, a super weird nerd (he is actually a really odd, on the spectrum kid and one day I hope she understands that again and is compassionate but for now)….

I’m trying to ride through this and hope she will come out the other side a thoughtful and intellectually curious and kind person. I do think social media has been corrosive and we recently out stricter limits on stuff.

But this isn’t even true! The difference is the brand, and the brand is social currency/signaling. We might think it’s dumb and be right, but why have a conversation about how pants are sewn when that’s obviously not the point?

+1

I wouldn't fight this too much. My 12 yo asks for very few things, but she is a loner. She is very smart but also judgey and introverted. When she hears about "crap" other girls want, she says it's stupid. She does understand why they need it, etc. Like, she didn't want a new iPhone, because her old android is "still working".

But that's a signal of her social deficit in some way. We actually jump to buy her whatever few popular things she does ask for, it's so rare for her to care to fit in.

As PP explained, you need to understand the value that this stuff has for her, not their "objective" value in adult world.

Ouch!!! I wouldn’t think of it as a “social deficit” for goodness sake. She’s trying to do the things you taught her to do! What you can and should do is help her remember to go easy on herself and others. You can bet the critical narrative she’s using to describe the girls buying “crap” is also turned in on herself. There’s a way to look critically at the UNIVERSAL human phenomenon of sometimes buying things to fit in without calling people stupid or their choices crap.

You could also use it as a launching point for how various human communities have managed this phenomenon in different ways for different purposes. Uniforms in the military. Barrister wigs and judicial robes. Handmaid’s tale costumes. French courts. Etc.

[Anonymous]

Live large or move to another area stop hating the game

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:My Dd , 12, is going through the exact same thing. She never used to care about this stuff but it’s friends and social media. Some of her friends are flying all over to see Taylor swift etc….She gets an alllowance (we do greenlight and it’s linked to chores) and she can put these on her bday/Xmas list but she doesn’t get it all. I tell her that I think she’s falling prey to marketing and the difference between Lululemon and generic is nothing but her additional 80$ but she doesn’t care.

Developmentally, this is a hard age. She just started middle school. My daughter clearly feels an intense need to fit in and be liked by her peers. Her friend group has shifted and I think she’s no longer close with some of her pals from last year, when things were much easier and sweeter. She is moody and incredibly embarrassed by us and especially her older brother who is, in her eyes, a super weird nerd (he is actually a really odd, on the spectrum kid and one day I hope she understands that again and is compassionate but for now)….

I’m trying to ride through this and hope she will come out the other side a thoughtful and intellectually curious and kind person. I do think social media has been corrosive and we recently out stricter limits on stuff.

But this isn’t even true! The difference is the brand, and the brand is social currency/signaling. We might think it’s dumb and be right, but why have a conversation about how pants are sewn when that’s obviously not the point?

+1

I wouldn't fight this too much. My 12 yo asks for very few things, but she is a loner. She is very smart but also judgey and introverted. When she hears about "crap" other girls want, she says it's stupid. She does understand why they need it, etc. Like, she didn't want a new iPhone, because her old android is "still working".

But that's a signal of her social deficit in some way. We actually jump to buy her whatever few popular things she does ask for, it's so rare for her to care to fit in.

As PP explained, you need to understand the value that this stuff has for her, not their "objective" value in adult world.

Ouch!!! I wouldn’t think of it as a “social deficit” for goodness sake. She’s trying to do the things you taught her to do! What you can and should do is help her remember to go easy on herself and others. You can bet the critical narrative she’s using to describe the girls buying “crap” is also turned in on herself. There’s a way to look critically at the UNIVERSAL human phenomenon of sometimes buying things to fit in without calling people stupid or their choices crap.

You could also use it as a launching point for how various human communities have managed this phenomenon in different ways for different purposes. Uniforms in the military. Barrister wigs and judicial robes. Handmaid’s tale costumes. French courts. Etc.

Oooo like I might say yes to Roller Rabbit pajamas if my DD reads this and writes a coherent response relating it to sleepovers.
https://ecommons.cornell.edu/server/api/core/bitstreams/72c96f8d-f7b1-4452-8dea-c2810aba0024/content

[Anonymous]

Occasionally we'll get her something like that but mostly she has to save her allowance or wait until birthday/Christmas. She gets $12/week (bc she is 12), has to save at least $3 and then if she wants to go to Sephora or Lululemon or Starbucks with her friend she has to pay for it. Doing the math has really stopped with the constant asks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid: I want $150 pjs.
Me: great, put them on your birthday wish list

Same. Usually I’d say something like, if you still want them by your birthday, add it to the list.

I was shocked to read about the $150 a month clothing allowance. I can’t imagine giving my kid $1800 a year for clothes.

How much do you spend on your kids clothing and entertainment? My guess is that this number is not unreasonable.

[Anonymous]

I remember going through this as well as a kid. Didn’t help that my parents were not as wealthy as the other parents. They didn’t get me everything, but if there was one item that was really important to me they did. I would have her choose which of these are a must and then work with her to save her allowance, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Kid: I want $150 pjs.
Me: great, put them on your birthday wish list

Same. Usually I’d say something like, if you still want them by your birthday, add it to the list.

I was shocked to read about the $150 a month clothing allowance. I can’t imagine giving my kid $1800 a year for clothes.

That's because $180/month (it was $150 + $30 "regular" allowance) is a shocking amount of money to hand to a 12-year-old every month. WTF.

Anyway, this is the approach I always used too: put it on your birthdaychristmas list.

That 12 yo is now much older now. Yes, she was bright, responsible, and mature for her age (still is). I'm sorry yours isn't built that way. Maybe it's your general parenting style? This approach is clearly not right for you if you cannot trust her.

[Anonymous]

time for her to get a job, pet sitting, baby sitting, whatever.

my DD grew up in an affluent area competing in a VERY affluent sport. It was almost helpful because she could see that these people had way TOO much money. She was never concerned with being like them and was happy that she could compete with someone who had way more opportunities that her.

Fitting in at 12 is very tough. I would tell her if she wants $150 PJs she can either make that her birthday present or go earn the money to buy it. Once it's their money, it's alot hard for them to justify blowing it, whereas it is easy to see spending it when it comes from your magical never empty piggy bank.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What are the $150 pj's? My kiss wear t shirts to bed!

Np my daughter and her friends have Eberjey pjs. Ridiculously expensive

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep, we were in the same boat a couple years ago. We ave her a clothing allowance of $150/mo in addition to her normal allowance $30/mo. Now she is responsible for all her own clothing, makeup (recently), and entertainment. We set out guidelines around what we will buy (school uniforms, school lunch, extra school expenses) and everything else was up to her. On the spirit days or dress in white shirt day or whatever, she was responsible for finding and budgeting the right clothes or wearing her uniform. It worked out great. I got to spend quality time with her teaching her how to spend on the basics and skimp on the frills that she will only wear a couple times. We still buy things (within a budget) that she asks for for Christmas. I also got a chance to talk about our values quality over quantity, we prefer to own everything without financing (home, cars, etc) and these things free cash in other families. Plus, some families are super wealthy - we are "just" rich, like poor rich. We initially hit a couple bumps, but I'm so glad we did this. Now when we shop in not a giant piggy bank. She's doesn't bother me for anything. She sees frivolous spending for what it is. She is fashionable but not at the height of it. I think she is also grateful for the trust and autonomy over this. She even orders her own supplies for projects. We include her in our annual budget reviews now. If your daughter is smart amd mature enough to do this, it worked well for us.

$150/month clothing allowance for a tween seems insane.

[Anonymous]

Your DD is completely normal and this is expected! I was the same way about my backpack and specific Jean brands and shoes. All the girls are like this at my kids' schools across many grades. I, like most, grew out of it.

Dd is the opposite and it's had me nervous about her fitting in. I'd get her all the Lululemon, Roller Rabbit and Stanley cups she could want so she could fit in, but she is against popular trends and that worries me too. Be grateful your dd is finding her place at the most appropriate age to be going through this.

I'm glad to see at least one other poster in this thread with the same issue as us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:time for her to get a job, pet sitting, baby sitting, whatever.

my DD grew up in an affluent area competing in a VERY affluent sport. It was almost helpful because she could see that these people had way TOO much money. She was never concerned with being like them and was happy that she could compete with someone who had way more opportunities that her.

Fitting in at 12 is very tough. I would tell her if she wants $150 PJs she can either make that her birthday present or go earn the money to buy it. Once it's their money, it's alot hard for them to justify blowing it, whereas it is easy to see spending it when it comes from your magical never empty piggy bank.

Yes!

I the PP whose kid gets $180/mo. She's been investing in the s&p because it's HER money. So, I totally agree. Give them the responsibility and let them surprise you. Then shower them with praise for making the right decisions. It's simple, really. I do the same with my employees at work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD is completely normal and this is expected! I was the same way about my backpack and specific Jean brands and shoes. All the girls are like this at my kids' schools across many grades. I, like most, grew out of it.

Dd is the opposite and it's had me nervous about her fitting in. I'd get her all the Lululemon, Roller Rabbit and Stanley cups she could want so she could fit in, but she is against popular trends and that worries me too. Be grateful your dd is finding her place at the most appropriate age to be going through this.

I'm glad to see at least one other poster in this thread with the same issue as us!

yes!! glad to know there are more of us here. i was like you, it seems, as well in that i asked for all the popular stuff, and got most of it.

ps. our DD did ask for a lululemon jacket. we offered to buy two as well as matching pants, but she considered that to be pointless and excessive.

[Anonymous]

Rich people pseudo-problems

Move to a middle class neighborhood and send her to a high FARMS public school. Problem solved. But yeah, we know you want. You want to live amongst wealth but pretend like you aren’t materialistic

[Anonymous]

I think it is really difficult when you’re surrounded by so much privilege and many parents do provide so much luxury.

I cut allowance off at age 10. My older kids were able to do things like Mother’s helper work and weeding, etc. but that’s pretty dried up now. For the younger ones, I mostly had to provide the earning opportunities until they got to be 13. They still had regular chores but I paid for extra jobs. I didn’t have many restrictions on how they spent it, but I did require accounting. Some were very creative and industrious and eventually started little businesses.

I involved them in volunteerism at the earliest ages, and tried to model deriving fulfillment from giving and from non-material things. For the most part it worked.

One of my AC is obsessed with money/things, they do not care who they hurt to get it, and the easier it comes, the better. Would this have been different if we lived in less affluent places? Could I have parented that differently? I suppose the answer is IDK. I think our DCs come with certain traits, and our parenting can accomplish a lot. But sometimes nothing you do will make a difference.