DD becoming too materialistic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
If I gave my tweens a monthly budget to buy their own clothes

That would be amazing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is happening with the Christmas/birthday loophole here? Why is Christmas/birthday okay but not a random Tuesday?

We don't celebrate "random Tuesday" but if you do, go for it. We do celebrate taco Tuesday occasionally.

But the economics are the same. I just don’t get why having your parents buy you things is some sort of moral hazard but it’s okay if they keep it to two times a year. Is the overall budget the same either way? So why not just give them the budget? At the point where Christmas and Birthdays are just a layaway system I no longer get the point.

Because there is a fundamental difference between getting gifts on special occasions vs being handed an unearned chunk of money on a weekly or monthly basis. My kids have to do chores to earn an allowance, so are not entitled and have a good sense of work needed to generate income. That is in addition to the beneficial budgeting skills.

Different poster, but my house is communist. Kids do chores because they are part of the household. Kids receive income because they are part of the household. They are not connected. Failure to do chores results in loss of freedom and privileges but not lost wages. Some day my kids will live with roommates who won’t pay them an allowance and they will still need to do chores.

I'm the one with the kid on a budget that everyone is criticizing and I couldn't agree more. I actually tell my kids our home is a "communist oligarchy" when they tell me something is unfair and that when they have their own homes, they make the rules. I do, of course, give them space to fail often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I assume OP sends her kid to private school? That plus unfettered access to tik tok and other social media leads to these spoiled attitudes. And $180 a month allowance? Ridiculous. How are these kids going to learn any values or be content with their salaries when they grow up? If OP’s kid wants expensive stuff, she better start earning money.

You think tiktok, the Stanley cups and Lululemon are more prevalent in private school?
My kids are in public and I can't imagine more saturation than that.

Agree. My kids are in private and with uniforms and tight rules around phones, these things aren't too much of an issue. I think we buy half as much as if she were in a wealthy public.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is happening with the Christmas/birthday loophole here? Why is Christmas/birthday okay but not a random Tuesday?

We don't celebrate "random Tuesday" but if you do, go for it. We do celebrate taco Tuesday occasionally.

But the economics are the same. I just don’t get why having your parents buy you things is some sort of moral hazard but it’s okay if they keep it to two times a year. Is the overall budget the same either way? So why not just give them the budget? At the point where Christmas and Birthdays are just a layaway system I no longer get the point.

Because there is a fundamental difference between getting gifts on special occasions vs being handed an unearned chunk of money on a weekly or monthly basis. My kids have to do chores to earn an allowance, so are not entitled and have a good sense of work needed to generate income. That is in addition to the beneficial budgeting skills.

I am surprised people here expect teens to buy all their own clothes. To me some clothing (not talking about fancy brands) is a parental responsibility.

Essentials, yes. But refilling a walk-in closet yearly for a 12 yr old? No. Giving your child $150/month to buy clothes is ridiculous. How much stuff do they need? Teaching horrible values. So wasteful.

We have a certain standard of living and i expect my kids will keep this as they grow just like DH and i did. This amount is reasonable, maybe conservative. Many folks here spend much more and just don't realize it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is happening with the Christmas/birthday loophole here? Why is Christmas/birthday okay but not a random Tuesday?

We don't celebrate "random Tuesday" but if you do, go for it. We do celebrate taco Tuesday occasionally.

But the economics are the same. I just don’t get why having your parents buy you things is some sort of moral hazard but it’s okay if they keep it to two times a year. Is the overall budget the same either way? So why not just give them the budget? At the point where Christmas and Birthdays are just a layaway system I no longer get the point.

Because there is a fundamental difference between getting gifts on special occasions vs being handed an unearned chunk of money on a weekly or monthly basis. My kids have to do chores to earn an allowance, so are not entitled and have a good sense of work needed to generate income. That is in addition to the beneficial budgeting skills.

I am surprised people here expect teens to buy all their own clothes. To me some clothing (not talking about fancy brands) is a parental responsibility.

Essentials, yes. But refilling a walk-in closet yearly for a 12 yr old? No. Giving your child $150/month to buy clothes is ridiculous. How much stuff do they need? Teaching horrible values. So wasteful.

$1800 per year. For a kid who isn’t in kids sizes and outgrows 85% of their each years. Girls probably have more times, but I have boys and in a given year I need -
1 winter coat
1 light jacket / waterproof shell
1 hoodie
7-9 pairs of pants including khakis, jeans, black pants for concerts but mostly sweats / athleisure.
7-9 pairs of shorts including 1-2 khakis or over looking shorts.
3-4 long sleeve shirts and 3-4 short sleeve shirts to augment the school spirit and sports teams things that seem to multiply in their closets.
2 swim suits
2 button down shirts - one white for band
Navy blazer or equivalent for dress up
1-3 sweaters or sweatshirts
1-2 shirt sleeve polo shirts
2-3 pairs of sneakers
1 pair sandals
1 pair dress up shoes
1 pair boots or warm/water resistant shoes
Underwear
Socks

Even at Target / Gap on Sale prices, without the shoes, this list is easily $1800 if your kid is in adult sizes. I am guessing girls have a wider variety of non-casual items and may not wear the “field day” t shirt they got from the PTA as part of their regular outfit rotation like my less fashionable kids do.

You are so right! I think folks here spend more but don't realize it because they don't keep track of their budgets well. Lemme guess you are a "prodigious accumulator of wealth" because you seem to know the value of things in detail.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is happening with the Christmas/birthday loophole here? Why is Christmas/birthday okay but not a random Tuesday?

We don't celebrate "random Tuesday" but if you do, go for it. We do celebrate taco Tuesday occasionally.

But the economics are the same. I just don’t get why having your parents buy you things is some sort of moral hazard but it’s okay if they keep it to two times a year. Is the overall budget the same either way? So why not just give them the budget? At the point where Christmas and Birthdays are just a layaway system I no longer get the point.

Because there is a fundamental difference between getting gifts on special occasions vs being handed an unearned chunk of money on a weekly or monthly basis. My kids have to do chores to earn an allowance, so are not entitled and have a good sense of work needed to generate income. That is in addition to the beneficial budgeting skills.

I am surprised people here expect teens to buy all their own clothes. To me some clothing (not talking about fancy brands) is a parental responsibility.

Essentials, yes. But refilling a walk-in closet yearly for a 12 yr old? No. Giving your child $150/month to buy clothes is ridiculous. How much stuff do they need? Teaching horrible values. So wasteful.

$1800 per year. For a kid who isn’t in kids sizes and outgrows 85% of their each years. Girls probably have more times, but I have boys and in a given year I need -
1 winter coat
1 light jacket / waterproof shell
1 hoodie
7-9 pairs of pants including khakis, jeans, black pants for concerts but mostly sweats / athleisure.
7-9 pairs of shorts including 1-2 khakis or over looking shorts.
3-4 long sleeve shirts and 3-4 short sleeve shirts to augment the school spirit and sports teams things that seem to multiply in their closets.
2 swim suits
2 button down shirts - one white for band
Navy blazer or equivalent for dress up
1-3 sweaters or sweatshirts
1-2 shirt sleeve polo shirts
2-3 pairs of sneakers
1 pair sandals
1 pair dress up shoes
1 pair boots or warm/water resistant shoes
Underwear
Socks

Even at Target / Gap on Sale prices, without the shoes, this list is easily $1800 if your kid is in adult sizes. I am guessing girls have a wider variety of non-casual items and may not wear the “field day” t shirt they got from the PTA as part of their regular outfit rotation like my less fashionable kids do.

You are taking this out of context. I promise the PP that is giving her kid $150/month has ALREADY bought her all the essentials.

I am that poster and I promise you I have not!!! She is responsible for EVERYTHING except school uniforms. I don't even buy her socks, underwear, or sports equipment - not even track spikes. She asked for Drunk Elephant face lotion for Christmas and Santa put an article from the news about how that was bad for teen skin - and got her Lubriderm instead. She can buy that herself. DD made a very comprehensive PowerPoint presentation for Christmas with links to the things she wanted. We budgeted $300 and stopped when we hit that amount - $300 isn't that much compared to what other families spend. We do have wealthy grandparents, but they don't go too overboard either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is happening with the Christmas/birthday loophole here? Why is Christmas/birthday okay but not a random Tuesday?

We don't celebrate "random Tuesday" but if you do, go for it. We do celebrate taco Tuesday occasionally.

But the economics are the same. I just don’t get why having your parents buy you things is some sort of moral hazard but it’s okay if they keep it to two times a year. Is the overall budget the same either way? So why not just give them the budget? At the point where Christmas and Birthdays are just a layaway system I no longer get the point.

Because there is a fundamental difference between getting gifts on special occasions vs being handed an unearned chunk of money on a weekly or monthly basis. My kids have to do chores to earn an allowance, so are not entitled and have a good sense of work needed to generate income. That is in addition to the beneficial budgeting skills.

I am surprised people here expect teens to buy all their own clothes. To me some clothing (not talking about fancy brands) is a parental responsibility.

Essentials, yes. But refilling a walk-in closet yearly for a 12 yr old? No. Giving your child $150/month to buy clothes is ridiculous. How much stuff do they need? Teaching horrible values. So wasteful.

$1800 per year. For a kid who isn’t in kids sizes and outgrows 85% of their each years. Girls probably have more times, but I have boys and in a given year I need -
1 winter coat
1 light jacket / waterproof shell
1 hoodie
7-9 pairs of pants including khakis, jeans, black pants for concerts but mostly sweats / athleisure.
7-9 pairs of shorts including 1-2 khakis or over looking shorts.
3-4 long sleeve shirts and 3-4 short sleeve shirts to augment the school spirit and sports teams things that seem to multiply in their closets.
2 swim suits
2 button down shirts - one white for band
Navy blazer or equivalent for dress up
1-3 sweaters or sweatshirts
1-2 shirt sleeve polo shirts
2-3 pairs of sneakers
1 pair sandals
1 pair dress up shoes
1 pair boots or warm/water resistant shoes
Underwear
Socks

Even at Target / Gap on Sale prices, without the shoes, this list is easily $1800 if your kid is in adult sizes. I am guessing girls have a wider variety of non-casual items and may not wear the “field day” t shirt they got from the PTA as part of their regular outfit rotation like my less fashionable kids do.

Lots of clothing on here the kid doesn’t actually need. This looks like a shopping list of privilege.

[Anonymous]

I don’t care what our clothes budget is. It feels like very small potatoes to quibble about how many hoodies a kid should have when we’re talking about values and morality. I don’t think having one hoodie is significantly more ethical or virtuous than having three. I mean of course as I parent I have to keep the hoodies within reason, but I’m not going to pretend that my inevitably arbitrary line for “too many hoodies” is based on any carefully considered and tested criteria of worthiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Brace yourself for a few more years of this. The young tween/teen years are a lot of this.

It depends on the kid. It's not just age or SES, it's personality. I have one who doesn't give a crap about brands and trends. And she is in middle school. She tells me the only kids who care are the "preppy kids." However, I can see her younger sister being more into trends when she gets to MS. And I will promptly tell her that certain things are a no go and she can earn them if she wants them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:[twitter]

Anonymous wrote:My Dd , 12, is going through the exact same thing. She never used to care about this stuff but it’s friends and social media. Some of her friends are flying all over to see Taylor swift etc….She gets an alllowance (we do greenlight and it’s linked to chores) and she can put these on her bday/Xmas list but she doesn’t get it all. I tell her that I think she’s falling prey to marketing and the difference between Lululemon and generic is nothing but her additional 80$ but she doesn’t care.

Developmentally, this is a hard age. She just started middle school. My daughter clearly feels an intense need to fit in and be liked by her peers. Her friend group has shifted and I think she’s no longer close with some of her pals from last year, when things were much easier and sweeter. She is moody and incredibly embarrassed by us and especially her older brother who is, in her eyes, a super weird nerd (he is actually a really odd, on the spectrum kid and one day I hope she understands that again and is compassionate but for now)….

I’m trying to ride through this and hope she will come out the other side a thoughtful and intellectually curious and kind person. I do think social media has been corrosive and we recently out stricter limits on stuff.

But this isn’t even true! The difference is the brand, and the brand is social currency/signaling. We might think it’s dumb and be right, but why have a conversation about how pants are sewn when that’s obviously not the point?

+1

I wouldn't fight this too much. My 12 yo asks for very few things, but she is a loner. She is very smart but also judgey and introverted. When she hears about "crap" other girls want, she says it's stupid. She does understand why they need it, etc. Like, she didn't want a new iPhone, because her old android is "still working".

But that's a signal of her social deficit in some way. We actually jump to buy her whatever few popular things she does ask for, it's so rare for her to care to fit in.

As PP explained, you need to understand the value that this stuff has for her, not their "objective" value in adult world.

PP I'm glad you don't encourage her to diss the things the popular girls enjoy. I was the PP who said my kids have 2 different personalities. One of the things I think we can do as parents is encourage our kids to be themselves/have confidence without having to put down other girls who like different things or make different choices. Not to fall into the "not like other girls" narrative. And they watch us to see how we judge other women. I try to make it a point to convey "hey such and such is not my thing, but she seems to enjoy it." Unless of course we are talking about harmful behaviors. But Lululemon? Not my thing, but isn't she rocking it?