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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][twitter][quote=Anonymous]My Dd , 12, is going through the exact same thing. She never used to care about this stuff but it’s friends and social media. Some of her friends are flying all over to see Taylor swift etc….She gets an alllowance (we do greenlight and it’s linked to chores) and she can put these on her bday/Xmas list but she doesn’t get it all. I tell her that I think she’s falling prey to marketing and [b]the difference between Lululemon and generic is nothing but her additional 80$ but she doesn’t care.[/b]

Developmentally, this is a hard age. She just started middle school. My daughter clearly feels an intense need to fit in and be liked by her peers. Her friend group has shifted and I think she’s no longer close with some of her pals from last year, when things were much easier and sweeter. She is moody and incredibly embarrassed by us and especially her older brother who is, in her eyes, a super weird nerd (he is actually a really odd, on the spectrum kid and one day I hope she understands that again and is compassionate but for now)….

I’m trying to ride through this and hope she will come out the other side a thoughtful and intellectually curious and kind person. I do think social media has been corrosive and we recently out stricter limits on stuff. [/quote]

But this isn’t even true! The difference is the brand, and the brand is social currency/signaling. We might think it’s dumb and be right, but why have a conversation about how pants are sewn when that’s obviously not the point?[/quote]

I wouldn't fight this too much. My 12 yo asks for very few things, but she is a loner. She is very smart but also judgey and introverted. When she hears about "crap" other girls want, she says it's stupid. She does understand why they need it, etc.  Like, she didn't want a new iPhone, because her old android is "still working".

But that's a signal of her social deficit in some way. We actually jump to buy her whatever few popular things she does ask for, it's so rare for her to care to fit in.

As PP explained, you need to understand the value that this stuff has for her, not their "objective" value in adult world. [/quote]

Ouch!!! I wouldn’t think of it as a “social deficit” for goodness sake. She’s trying to do the things you taught her to do! What you can and should do is help her remember to go easy on herself and others. You can bet the critical narrative she’s using to describe the girls buying “crap” is also turned in on herself. There’s a way to look critically at the UNIVERSAL human phenomenon of sometimes buying things to fit in without calling people stupid or their choices crap.

You could also use it as a launching point for how various human communities have managed this phenomenon in different ways for different purposes. Uniforms in the military. Barrister wigs and judicial robes. Handmaid’s tale costumes. French courts. Etc. [/quote]

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