How decisive are men v. women about ending marriages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

[/b]So, in my instance, it was a man.[b]

It's almost always another man when a man initiates divorce. Men rarely will stay if their wife is cheating.

This. They get adored by a new woman, lock that down and that’s the usual reason a male will file for divorce and happily move out.

Less usual reasons are the mother/wifes mental disorders.

But vast majority of filings are by the woman.

The wife initiated in those cases 90% of the time.

Men only initiate the divorce when the wife cheats.

I’ve seen a handful of midlife crisis men who were uninvolved at home, only file and leave when their passive aggressiveness didn’t work on the wife and a new love interest arose and he felt he’d confident and taken care of with that secretary.

90% of the time when he voices he doesn't want to be married to her, is having an affair and is leaving her for the ow---the wife files. They have the upper hand being the plaintiff.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, a male, initiated our divorce and it was years coming and I waited until we became empty nesters and for my children to understand why, which they did. My ex was always in a state of anger and took it out on the kids first and then on me. I had plenty of time to prepare and I announced it and moved out within two days to a place I had rented. She wanted to make the divorce ugly but our kids told her I was doing the right thing and if she made it ugly they wouldn’t speak to her. There was no infidelity at least on my part, just years of frustration. That was three years ago and I’m happy and my kids live with me when they are visiting.

Sounds like she was cheating, no? Kids won’t usually stop talking/staying with their mother..

I don’t think so, but I don’t really care. If you are a teenager and your mother is angry and yelling all the time wouldn’t you want out. They do speak with her now but rarely visit her. Her anger is still there.

Yelling at what?
You didn’t do your homework or pick up your mess on your own accord or when reminded?

Better at Do Whatever Dads place eating pizza and iPads?

Some kids see through lazy parenting and some kids prefer lazy parenting. Unfortunately this decisions greatly affects their future college and work options and success. Codependency and enabling is rampant with lazy parenting.

How fortunate for you that you do not even understand the concept of growing up with a mother who is so angry she yells all the time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

[/b]So, in my instance, it was a man.[b]

It's almost always another man when a man initiates divorce. Men rarely will stay if their wife is cheating.

This. They get adored by a new woman, lock that down and that’s the usual reason a male will file for divorce and happily move out.

Less usual reasons are the mother/wifes mental disorders.

But vast majority of filings are by the woman.

The wife initiated in those cases 90% of the time.

Men only initiate the divorce when the wife cheats.

I’ve seen a handful of midlife crisis men who were uninvolved at home, only file and leave when their passive aggressiveness didn’t work on the wife and a new love interest arose and he felt he’d confident and taken care of with that secretary.

90% of the time when he voices he doesn't want to be married to her, is having an affair and is leaving her for the ow---the wife files. They have the upper hand being the plaintiff.

But if he finds out she's been banging OM or a serial cheater in the marriage--he's out. Immediately--and then he will move out, file, etc.

[Anonymous]

I fought hard for my marriage, but once I was done, I was DONE.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

[/b]So, in my instance, it was a man.

It's almost always another man when a man initiates divorce. Men rarely will stay if their wife is cheating.

This. They get adored by a new woman, lock that down and that’s the usual reason a male will file for divorce and happily move out.

Less usual reasons are the mother/wifes mental disorders.

But vast majority of filings are by the woman.

The wife initiated in those cases 90% of the time.

Men only initiate the divorce when the wife cheats.

I’ve seen a handful of midlife crisis men who were uninvolved at home, only file and leave when their passive aggressiveness didn’t work on the wife and a new love interest arose and he felt he’d confident and taken care of with that secretary.

90% of the time when he voices he doesn't want to be married to her, is having an affair and is leaving her for the ow---the wife files. [b]They have the upper hand being the plaintiff.

How so?

I’d say Hillary Clinton kept the upper hand by staying married to non stop cheating Bill Clinton.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, a male, initiated our divorce and it was years coming and I waited until we became empty nesters and for my children to understand why, which they did. My ex was always in a state of anger and took it out on the kids first and then on me. I had plenty of time to prepare and I announced it and moved out within two days to a place I had rented. She wanted to make the divorce ugly but our kids told her I was doing the right thing and if she made it ugly they wouldn’t speak to her. There was no infidelity at least on my part, just years of frustration. That was three years ago and I’m happy and my kids live with me when they are visiting.

Sounds like she was cheating, no? Kids won’t usually stop talking/staying with their mother..

I don’t think so, but I don’t really care. If you are a teenager and your mother is angry and yelling all the time wouldn’t you want out. They do speak with her now but rarely visit her. Her anger is still there.

Yelling at what?
You didn’t do your homework or pick up your mess on your own accord or when reminded?

Better at Do Whatever Dads place eating pizza and iPads?

Some kids see through lazy parenting and some kids prefer lazy parenting. Unfortunately this decisions greatly affects their future college and work options and success. Codependency and enabling is rampant with lazy parenting.

How fortunate for you that you do not even understand the concept of growing up with a mother who is so angry she yells all the time.

What’s she yelling about?

Who is she yelling at?

Each time, what did she try before the yelling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

[/b]So, in my instance, it was a man.[b]

It's almost always another man when a man initiates divorce. Men rarely will stay if their wife is cheating.

This. They get adored by a new woman, lock that down and that’s the usual reason a male will file for divorce and happily move out.

Less usual reasons are the mother/wifes mental disorders.

But vast majority of filings are by the woman.

The wife initiated in those cases 90% of the time.

Men only initiate the divorce when the wife cheats.

Yup, this is right. Women initiate the vast majority of divorces. Once a woman decides to end it, IT'S OVER.

Very few men proactively divorce their wife to be with The Other Woman. The usual course of action is (1) husband has an affair, (2) wife finds out about it, (3) they muddle along, wife is getting her ducks in a row, and husband is keeping mistress on the backburner, and (4) aggrieved wife files for divorce. The husband then relents to be with The Other Woman because he doesn't really have another option.

Most dudes who cheat are happy to keep both situations going for as long as possible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

[/b]So, in my instance, it was a man.

It's almost always another man when a man initiates divorce. Men rarely will stay if their wife is cheating.

This. They get adored by a new woman, lock that down and that’s the usual reason a male will file for divorce and happily move out.

Less usual reasons are the mother/wifes mental disorders.

But vast majority of filings are by the woman.

The wife initiated in those cases 90% of the time.

Men only initiate the divorce when the wife cheats.

Yup, this is right. Women initiate the vast majority of divorces. Once a woman decides to end it, IT'S OVER.

Very few men proactively divorce their wife to be with The Other Woman. The usual course of action is (1) husband has an affair, (2) wife finds out about it, (3) they muddle along, wife is getting her ducks in a row, and husband is keeping mistress on the backburner, and (4) aggrieved wife files for divorce. The husband then relents to be with The Other Woman because he doesn't really have another option.
[b]
Most dudes who cheat are happy to keep both situations going for as long as possible.

Hmmm

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, a male, initiated our divorce and it was years coming and I waited until we became empty nesters and for my children to understand why, which they did. My ex was always in a state of anger and took it out on the kids first and then on me. I had plenty of time to prepare and I announced it and moved out within two days to a place I had rented. She wanted to make the divorce ugly but our kids told her I was doing the right thing and if she made it ugly they wouldn’t speak to her. There was no infidelity at least on my part, just years of frustration. That was three years ago and I’m happy and my kids live with me when they are visiting.

Sounds like she was cheating, no? Kids won’t usually stop talking/staying with their mother..

I don’t think so, but I don’t really care. If you are a teenager and your mother is angry and yelling all the time wouldn’t you want out. They do speak with her now but rarely visit her. Her anger is still there.

I applaud you, PP. My mom was like your ex but my dad never would have initiated a divorce because of his religion and probably because he just didn't feel like he had the time or energy for it. My mom asked for the divorce and everyone, including my dad, agrees that it was for the best.

And to other moms out there who yell a lot: I am 99.999% sure you aren't like my mom! I don't believe in yelling and I don't yell at my kids, but doing so doesn't automatically make you a bad mom. My mom's anger and yelling was toxic, abusive, and truly emotionally damaging. I love my mom but I really cannot believe she did what she did to her own children, and men with wives like my mom should initiate divorces.

[Anonymous]

My ex was having an affair I wanted to divorce. Then I thought it was best if we stayed together for kids etc after she pleaded to work on it and promised to end affair. But of course she carried on with affair etc and we separated after a year.

I don’t buy the women take it narrative. Both sexes can be ruthless selfish etc

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, a male, initiated our divorce and it was years coming and I waited until we became empty nesters and for my children to understand why, which they did. My ex was always in a state of anger and took it out on the kids first and then on me. I had plenty of time to prepare and I announced it and moved out within two days to a place I had rented. She wanted to make the divorce ugly but our kids told her I was doing the right thing and if she made it ugly they wouldn’t speak to her. There was no infidelity at least on my part, just years of frustration. That was three years ago and I’m happy and my kids live with me when they are visiting.

Sounds like she was cheating, no? Kids won’t usually stop talking/staying with their mother..

I don’t think so, but I don’t really care. If you are a teenager and your mother is angry and yelling all the time wouldn’t you want out. They do speak with her now but rarely visit her. Her anger is still there.

I applaud you, PP. My mom was like your ex but my dad never would have initiated a divorce because of his religion and probably because he just didn't feel like he had the time or energy for it. My mom asked for the divorce and everyone, including my dad, agrees that it was for the best.

And to other moms out there who yell a lot: I am 99.999% sure you aren't like my mom! I don't believe in yelling and I don't yell at my kids, but doing so doesn't automatically make you a bad mom. My mom's anger and yelling was toxic, abusive, and truly emotionally damaging. I love my mom but I really cannot believe she did what she did to her own children, and men with wives like my mom should initiate divorces.

I don't get it. Can someone please provide examples of what this parent is doing and yelling about? and what portion of time they are yelling versus talking versus ignoring you?

Meanwhile, what is the other adult or parent in the home doing? silent? calling it out? egging it on? dropping the ball?

I don't get it. I live with an aspergers child and spouse who raise their voice to "communicate" or talk over others or to avoid answering a task or questions, and I call it out each and every time. Please start over and ask in a normal volume and tone. over and over.

thanks.

[Anonymous]

I asked to go to couples counseling early on. XH made me go to individual counseling first because he said I was the problem. I did just so we could get to couples'. Over the years I tried to get us to do couples groups and more counseling. Not much ever changed. XH pushed me too hard and I finally snapped and said that's it. I think he was shocked but I don't know how he couldn't see it coming when I'd been saying for years it wasn't working and he wasn't making an effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, a male, initiated our divorce and it was years coming and I waited until we became empty nesters and for my children to understand why, which they did. My ex was always in a state of anger and took it out on the kids first and then on me. I had plenty of time to prepare and I announced it and moved out within two days to a place I had rented. She wanted to make the divorce ugly but our kids told her I was doing the right thing and if she made it ugly they wouldn’t speak to her. There was no infidelity at least on my part, just years of frustration. That was three years ago and I’m happy and my kids live with me when they are visiting.

Sounds like she was cheating, no? Kids won’t usually stop talking/staying with their mother..

I don’t think so, but I don’t really care. If you are a teenager and your mother is angry and yelling all the time wouldn’t you want out. They do speak with her now but rarely visit her. Her anger is still there.

I applaud you, PP. My mom was like your ex but my dad never would have initiated a divorce because of his religion and probably because he just didn't feel like he had the time or energy for it. My mom asked for the divorce and everyone, including my dad, agrees that it was for the best.

And to other moms out there who yell a lot: I am 99.999% sure you aren't like my mom! I don't believe in yelling and I don't yell at my kids, but doing so doesn't automatically make you a bad mom. My mom's anger and yelling was toxic, abusive, and truly emotionally damaging. I love my mom but I really cannot believe she did what she did to her own children, and men with wives like my mom should initiate divorces.

I don't get it. Can someone please provide examples of what this parent is doing and yelling about? and what portion of time they are yelling versus talking versus ignoring you?

Meanwhile, what is the other adult or parent in the home doing? silent? calling it out? egging it on? dropping the ball?

I don't get it. I live with an aspergers child and spouse who raise their voice to "communicate" or talk over others or to avoid answering a task or questions, and I call it out each and every time. Please start over and ask in a normal volume and tone. over and over.

thanks.

DP. What don't you get? Do you not understand that a parent can be toxic and angry as a default personality?

Examples - "WHY TF DID YOU FORGET YOUR GLOVES", "WHY ARE YOU WEARING THAT - YOU LOOK LIKE A SLUT", "WHY CAN'T YOU BE MORE LIKE X - I WISH YOU WERE A KID LIKE X MAYBE I WOULDN'T BE DEPRESSED", "YOU ARE STUPID, YOU WILL NEVER GET INTO COLLEGE/PROGRAM/SPECIAL SOMETHING", "NO ONE WILL EVER WANT TO DATE YOU, YOU ARE SO LAME!", "YOU ARE SUCH A LOSER LIKE YOUR DAD - OBVIOUSLY YOU GOT YOUR BRAINS FROM HIS SIDE OF THE FAMILY", "WHY ARE YOU IN THE KITCHEN - YOU DON'T PAY RENT OR GROCERIES".

Should I go on? You really are either very naive or very obtuse in not understanding that some people should have never had kids to begin with but when they do - they take out all their own traumas on their own family. Ask me how I know and where those examples came from.