How decisive are men v. women about ending marriages?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, a male, initiated our divorce and it was years coming and I waited until we became empty nesters and for my children to understand why, which they did. My ex was always in a state of anger and took it out on the kids first and then on me. I had plenty of time to prepare and I announced it and moved out within two days to a place I had rented. She wanted to make the divorce ugly but our kids told her I was doing the right thing and if she made it ugly they wouldn’t speak to her. There was no infidelity at least on my part, just years of frustration. That was three years ago and I’m happy and my kids live with me when they are visiting.

Sounds like she was cheating, no? Kids won’t usually stop talking/staying with their mother..

I don’t think so, but I don’t really care. If you are a teenager and your mother is angry and yelling all the time wouldn’t you want out. They do speak with her now but rarely visit her. Her anger is still there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My ex husband came home one day and told me he wanted a divorce. He had professional movers move his things out 2 days later. He had a lawyer retained.

He was generous in mediation as he wanted the divorce.

I read the other thread. That guy was stringing his mistress/side piece along.

Plus who tells their side piece they are working on a marriage and going to marriage counseling while concurrently seeing the mistress.

This. This is a major problem with online dating. Many people just using it for affairs and telling their dates another story. Tale as old as time but still it's a wonder so many women still put up with it.

So many women put up with it. A woman I work with was seeing a guy, and we kept telling her he was still married, even though he told her he and his wife were separated, but the kind of separated while living in the same house. He wouldn’t ever see her in public — like they couldn’t go out to dinner — because he was afraid that the soon to be ex-wife would get all upset and cause craziness or something. So he would come over to my friend’s apartment , do you-know-what, and then leave. Never took her on a date, never spent the night. She actually thought he was her boyfriend, lol. She finally figured it out when she was snooping in the public records databases at work (we are lawyers) and saw that he had just closed on a new bigger fancier house, you guessed it, with his wife. She went on and on with this my “heart hurts” crap, too. We’d been telling her what was up from the beginning but she didn’t wanna listen.

Women like this have some deep seated need to be wanted I've decided. Their heart hurts not because of what he did but because they are no longer wanted by a man. They probably even knew but just tried to pretend it wasn't happening to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Men will take action first, file the papers. But they have not thought about the loss yet. They have not gone through the emotions yet. That comes to them later, during the proceedings. Then it’s a decision to reconcile rather than put themselves through the hard process of going through the stages of loss and grief.

Wrong. It's thinking about the loss that makes men hesitate to file the papers. Plus the agonizing dilemma of "can I endure years or decades more unhappiness and disrespect for the sake of the children or should I get out of this now?"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Men will take action first, file the papers. But they have not thought about the loss yet. They have not gone through the emotions yet. That comes to them later, during the proceedings. Then it’s a decision to reconcile rather than put themselves through the hard process of going through the stages of loss and grief.

Wrong. It's thinking about the loss that makes men hesitate to file the papers. Plus the agonizing dilemma of "can I endure years or decades more unhappiness and disrespect for the sake of the children or should I get out of this now?"

No no no

They aren’t thinking or planning jack.

They are only thinking about themselves and how happy they will be living with no pesky kid, house or wife responsibilities.

But they’re busy. Busy working, busy watching tv, busy being difficult at home. Hopefully if they act like an ahole their wife will handle all the divorce logistics and he can just move out closer to the office or food joints, and take the kiddos to a fun dinner every Wednesday and fun outings every other weekend.

So he waits, checks out some more, throws down more insults at home. Why isn’t his wife doing the the paperwork and sending over the divorce terms already? So he keeps waiting, being more rude at any comment or question or request or communication from her.

Ugh, when is she going to file for divorce!? This passive aggressive thing has worked so well for 10-15 years for all those other tasks he didn’t want to do or plan or figure out or remember.

Time goes by, time goes by.

Wife sees right through him. He can’t plan. He can’t verbally communicate much to a lawyer. He can take the time to figure anything out. And he certainly is t thinking about child support or custody arrangements or kids activities or school. He never has and never will.

Time goes by time goes by.

[Anonymous]

Damn. Spot on PP.

[Anonymous]

I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

So, in my instance, it was a man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

[/b]So, in my instance, it was a man.[b]

It's almost always another man when a man initiates divorce. Men rarely will stay if their wife is cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

[/b]So, in my instance, it was a man.[b]

It's almost always another man when a man initiates divorce. Men rarely will stay if their wife is cheating.

This. They get adored by a new woman, lock that down and that’s the usual reason a male will file for divorce and happily move out.

Less usual reasons are the mother/wifes mental disorders.

But vast majority of filings are by the woman.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

[/b]So, in my instance, it was a man.[b]

It's almost always another man when a man initiates divorce. Men rarely will stay if their wife is cheating.

This. They get adored by a new woman, lock that down and that’s the usual reason a male will file for divorce and happily move out.

Less usual reasons are the mother/wifes mental disorders.

But vast majority of filings are by the woman.

Don’t even need a new woman. A man will not stay with a cheater wife. They will initiate divorce.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

[/b]So, in my instance, it was a man.[b]

It's almost always another man when a man initiates divorce. Men rarely will stay if their wife is cheating.

This. They get adored by a new woman, lock that down and that’s the usual reason a male will file for divorce and happily move out.

Less usual reasons are the mother/wifes mental disorders.

But vast majority of filings are by the woman.

The wife initiated in those cases 90% of the time.

Men only initiate the divorce when the wife cheats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, a male, initiated our divorce and it was years coming and I waited until we became empty nesters and for my children to understand why, which they did. My ex was always in a state of anger and took it out on the kids first and then on me. I had plenty of time to prepare and I announced it and moved out within two days to a place I had rented. She wanted to make the divorce ugly but our kids told her I was doing the right thing and if she made it ugly they wouldn’t speak to her. There was no infidelity at least on my part, just years of frustration. That was three years ago and I’m happy and my kids live with me when they are visiting.

Sounds like she was cheating, no? Kids won’t usually stop talking/staying with their mother..

I don’t think so, but I don’t really care. If you are a teenager and your mother is angry and yelling all the time wouldn’t you want out. They do speak with her now but rarely visit her. Her anger is still there.

I agree with the immediate PP. Of course, teens and young adults break off with angry mothers. Life and quick review of this board (particularly the teen thread) should confirm that for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wonder about those stats sometimes because I don't know what "initiates" means -- there's breaking up and then there's actually filing the papers in court. Maybe they refer to both, but I suspect it's more about the breakup.

In my case (I'm male), I tolerated a lot in my marriage because I was basically the default parent (which is a little unusual, I know). I had a wife who reneged on a promise to return to work when the children entered grade school, eventually picked up projects here and then when she ran up our credit cards (like into the 40k-50k range), decided to become a real estate agent but took 9 months to "study" for the exam. The marriage was sexless for seven years (medical issues contributed, so I tried to understanding), we slept in separate bedrooms (ostensibly because I snored, but even after I got a CPAP). I remember feeling like I was at my wit's end with the chronic debt (caused by her spending), parenting duties while working full-time (from home, even before COVID), lack of affection/sex. But knowing even when the kids were in late elementary that I didn't want to divorce because I feared losing daily interaction with them and worrying about custody.

Fast forward to teen years, she finds a new therapist who encourages her to "self actualize." So she takes up hobbies, which is fine except they were expensive (horse riding), which added financial pressure. She worked sporadically as a real estate agent, but not consistently. I was still default parent for kids -- schools knew to call ME for things, not her, for example; the kids told them that.

As part of her self-actualization, she started an emotional affair with someone in Baltimore she worked on a project years ago. Then she started disappearing all day, ostensibly on real estate projects with the guy. I hired a PI, he confirmed the worst. The conflict in the relationship came to a head, we agreed to separate and then both saw lawyers.

But it was the affair that finally drove me to initiate the actual divorce. I think she came down to earth when the limerance bubble popped. But by then, I was done. The kids were older and in position of where they wanted to live. They chose to live with me and sometimes visited their mom.

[/b]So, in my instance, it was a man.[b]

It's almost always another man when a man initiates divorce. Men rarely will stay if their wife is cheating.

This. They get adored by a new woman, lock that down and that’s the usual reason a male will file for divorce and happily move out.

Less usual reasons are the mother/wifes mental disorders.

But vast majority of filings are by the woman.

The wife initiated in those cases 90% of the time.

Men only initiate the divorce when the wife cheats.

I’ve seen a handful of midlife crisis men who were uninvolved at home, only file and leave when their passive aggressiveness didn’t work on the wife and a new love interest arose and he felt he’d confident and taken care of with that secretary.

[Anonymous]

When women are done they're done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I, a male, initiated our divorce and it was years coming and I waited until we became empty nesters and for my children to understand why, which they did. My ex was always in a state of anger and took it out on the kids first and then on me. I had plenty of time to prepare and I announced it and moved out within two days to a place I had rented. She wanted to make the divorce ugly but our kids told her I was doing the right thing and if she made it ugly they wouldn’t speak to her. There was no infidelity at least on my part, just years of frustration. That was three years ago and I’m happy and my kids live with me when they are visiting.

Sounds like she was cheating, no? Kids won’t usually stop talking/staying with their mother..

I don’t think so, but I don’t really care. If you are a teenager and your mother is angry and yelling all the time wouldn’t you want out. They do speak with her now but rarely visit her. Her anger is still there.

Yelling at what?
You didn’t do your homework or pick up your mess on your own accord or when reminded?

Better at Do Whatever Dads place eating pizza and iPads?

Some kids see through lazy parenting and some kids prefer lazy parenting. Unfortunately this decisions greatly affects their future college and work options and success. Codependency and enabling is rampant with lazy parenting.

[Anonymous]

This isn't a gender thing, OP