Reply to Anxiety over parent “social engineering”

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]With some of you, there’s just no winning. If people make friends, they’re cliquey. If they schedule a play date, they’re “social engineering.” Maybe this is in your head. Or maybe you’re thinking about all this BS and it shows on your face and people steer clear.

Unless someone is trying to translate social relationships into business relationships, there’s no point to the “social climbing” you’re imagining. If people have grandparents who are friends that’s just the same thing that happens everywhere people form communities. It’s a little harder to be a transplant. It’s probably easier here than most places.

Mostly what happens I think is that people are busy and it’s hard to prioritize new friends when you already have local friends. That can feel “cliquey.” You might have to work a little harder and a little longer at building friendships if you’re new to a community.

The other thing is that people are busy and sometimes its easy to lean into the the kid friendships that you know are easy, so when a play date goes well it gets repeated because parents know they might get a relaxing afternoon. When I have a closer mom friend over for a playdate it’s easier if I’m already on casual, come-as-you-are terms with them.

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Disagree. It's not that hard to talk to different parents at pick up, or tell your kids you pick who you want to have a playdate, not I, the parent, picks. It's not hard to open up your circle and invite another parent in to the chat, or sit next to someone new at the basketball game and say "Hey, I'm so-and-so's mom. How is your kid liking softball?" Some parents actively try to prevent these interactions. This is what people are talking about.[/quote]

I have been on both sides of this cliquey behavior. I have been in a room where everyone already know one another and doesn’t seem welcoming. I have also been with a group of people I haven’t seen since summer and catching up. I don’t think anyone is trying to exclude anyone.

I have been more friendly when I realize someone is my kid’s friend’s mom. I have also been included in this case. I have a very social daughter who was in the same class with kids with famous and rich parents. The same way I would be friendly to someone who they have heard their kid talk about, they would say that their kid has mentioned my kid a lot. I never really felt included or friends with these rich and famous parents but we did play dates and chit chatted slightly at pick up drop off. One mom was very private but I think it was more because her husband is so famous.[/quote]

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