I recently realized that my 13 y.o. daughter is comparing her attractiveness to mine, so I need to step up my game

[Anonymous]

Teens start evaluating their parents differently—through an outside lens. That’s ok. If she decides you are frumpy, so be it. If you are supportive, loving, good humored, firm, she will respect you regardless of what you look like.

[Anonymous]

This one most weirdest threads I’ve ever read on DCUM. I can’t wait for the ladies smarter than me to respond with some good DCUM therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Focus on looking hot for her guy friends. Make sure to show her who is boss. When she has friends over at the pool in the summer, walk around in a real skimpy bikini.

OP here. This is a weird reply. I would never want to look sexy for my daughter's guy friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Ha ha. Very true. I am one of the younger, "prettier" mothers in my daughter's circle, and she still pokes fun at me. Very rarely, I will come down in the morning, and she will look me up and down approvingly and say "you look nice today". HIGH PRAISE from a 13 year old girl!!! Nothing makes her happier than when I have an event and *I ask her opinion on what I should wear*. It sets her up so much! She has an eye for color, and usually her suggestions are appropriate for a 40-something mother.

Maybe you could ask your daughter to look through some of your outfits, and that will teach her to dress you for the figure you have, not the figure she wishes you had? And maybe you could go shopping together.

OP here. PP, thanks for this reply. I think you are doing a great job as a mom, and your daughter is proud of you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Well that’s one of the more f’ed up things I’ve ever read on here.

Agree!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Reading this post made me so sad for you, OP. I think you need therapy and some deep introspection into why you are feeling like you have to look better for your daughter to be proud of you. Your daughter will love you unconditionally no matter what you look like. If you’re going to feel better about yourself by being “put together “as you said it, then do it for yourself and not for some image you want your daughter to see.

+1

You and your daughter need to so a better job at being human, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These posters are mean.

OP, your DD is normal. My DD has a few "mom" categories:
1. Normal mom - probably what you are now.
2. Botox mom - mom who has way too much plastic surgery and big lips, dresses very nice and expensively
3. Pretty mom - thin, fit, naturally attractive
4. Doesn't care mom - the ones that let themselves go.

In her eyes I'm 3, I think. There isn't a whole lot of thought that goes into her evaluations, do don't put too much stock in it.

This is so messed up, I don’t even know where to begin. I would advise never telling anyone about this.

[Anonymous]

I just focus on health with muy daughter. We exercise for a strong core so your back won’t hurt later on, type of thing. It’s 100% feeling good and being healthy, and of course, hygiene. Making sure you are clean and presentable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses are divided between:

1. Wise people who know that appearances count and who can find ways to manage societal expectations as well as teen angst about same, so their daughters are aware what portion of intelligence, kindness and looks may contribute to their future success.

2. Insecure, foolish, women triggered by the fact others may or may not be prettier, and who strenuously insist that girls should be raised to be blind to appearances and only look at the beauty within. WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

Huh? The posters who aren't falling over themselves to brag about how hot they are (#1) are not insecure foolish women. They are women who take issue with the fact that OP wants to compete with her teen daughter in some sort of fictional beauty contest. They are taking issue with the fact that OP clearly has deep seated issues with her own mothers appearance, and has now passed that along to her young child.

[Anonymous]

You sound down on yourself op. I don't think you can fix anything until you are a bit more content. Find things that bring you happiness and it might alter the goals you think you want to set.

[Anonymous]

I don't look that great. I'm an older mom in my circle if that means anything.
But I am observant, smart and knowledgeable about trends. That's enough for me to help my DD achieve the appearance she wants and to guide her in learning how she would like to present herself to the world at the same time emphasizing that she has value beyond her looks.

And this is enough. She doesn't have to be proud of my appearance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Well that’s one of the more f’ed up things I’ve ever read on here.

Agree!

Agree. Though it is a good reminder of the world my own DD has to deal with and that I need to up my game to help her know that OP’s attitude, while understandable and common, is effed up.

[Anonymous]

I don’t even know what to say to this.

[Anonymous]

No, and this seems insane. You should focus on your HEALTH. And while doing that, focus on your daughter not being shallow and superficial. My mother was hugely obese (think seatbelt extender and Lane Bryant) had acne scarring, and frizzy hair. But she was a good neighbor, a good friend, good daughter, and those were the things about her I emulated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses are divided between:

1. Wise people who know that appearances count and who can find ways to manage societal expectations as well as teen angst about same, so their daughters are aware what portion of intelligence, kindness and looks may contribute to their future success.

2. Insecure, foolish, women triggered by the fact others may or may not be prettier, and who strenuously insist that girls should be raised to be blind to appearances and only look at the beauty within. WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.

OP here. Thanks, PP, I love this! I am sure that no woman who puts in the effort to look good would be in the category no. 2 that you described.

It is hypocritical to claim that "only inner beauty counts". Physical beauty matters, and is a huge advantage.

Teenage girls talk a lot about clothes/makeup/appearance. My daughter is actually one of the few who does not. However, she does want to look pretty. This is understandable, and nothing to restrain.

So, to the other PPs: please do write me that I am raising my daughter to be superficial. She is a straight A student at the best private school in the area.