I recently realized that my 13 y.o. daughter is comparing her attractiveness to mine, so I need to step up my game

[Anonymous]

I recently realized that my 13 year-old daughter started comparing herself to me in terms of beauty, attractiveness, femininity.

So I can no longer be simply the cuddly "mama bear", but I feel like I need to become a more attractive woman myself in order for her to feel proud of me.

By the way, I think that her new approach is completely normal, so I don't mean this as a criticism.

I must confess that I am no longer as attractive/thin/put-together as before her birth, and I need to put in more effort. (I went from a size 2 to currently a size 10/12).

I remember back as a teen I considered my mom to be fat, ugly, unattractive, and I think she was all that. But I don't want to be.

Somehow most of the moms at my daughter's school seem to be older than me, so this issue hasn't occurred to me. But recently at an event I saw a girl my daughter's age with an attractive mother, and I wished I were that mom.

Did you have similar insights when your daughters reached their teenage years?

Thanks in advance.

[Anonymous]

Why do you think your daughter thinks this? You are probably projecting your own feelings. If you want to look better do it for you. There's more important things to model for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

There is no competition. Model being okay with natural body changes.

[Anonymous]

Yikes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently realized that my 13 year-old daughter started comparing herself to me in terms of beauty, attractiveness, femininity.

So I can no longer be simply the cuddly "mama bear", but I feel like I need to become a more attractive woman myself in order for her to feel proud of me.

By the way, I think that her new approach is completely normal, so I don't mean this as a criticism.

I must confess that I am no longer as attractive/thin/put-together as before her birth, and I need to put in more effort. (I went from a size 2 to currently a size 10/12).

I remember back as a teen I considered my mom to be fat, ugly, unattractive, and I think she was all that. But I don't want to be.

Somehow most of the moms at my daughter's school seem to be older than me, so this issue hasn't occurred to me. But recently at an event I saw a girl my daughter's age with an attractive mother, and I wished I were that mom.

Did you have similar insights when your daughters reached their teenage years?

Thanks in advance.

Wut?

[Anonymous]

I'll be blunt, OP: your post gives vibes of deep-seated insecurity with appearances and body issues.

Your job as a mom with regard to your daughter's body is to 1.) encourage your daughter to have good hygiene/nutrition/exercise habits and avoid drugs and alcohol, and 2.) have a good mental health approach and relationship to body stuff.
For the record, if dad is in the picture, this is his job, too.

If you want to up your game for YOU that's fine/great!

But comparing yourself to other moms, especially relative to size and age, is doing your daughter zero favors.

Also, be was pretty as you can be: your daughter will likely still be somewhat embarrassed by you for a variety of silly teen reasons.

[Anonymous]

Reading this post made me so sad for you, OP. I think you need therapy and some deep introspection into why you are feeling like you have to look better for your daughter to be proud of you. Your daughter will love you unconditionally no matter what you look like. If you’re going to feel better about yourself by being “put together “as you said it, then do it for yourself and not for some image you want your daughter to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I recently realized that my 13 year-old daughter started comparing herself to me in terms of beauty, attractiveness, femininity.

So I can no longer be simply the cuddly "mama bear", but I feel like I need to become a more attractive woman myself in order for her to feel proud of me.

By the way, I think that her new approach is completely normal, so I don't mean this as a criticism.

I must confess that I am no longer as attractive/thin/put-together as before her birth, and I need to put in more effort. (I went from a size 2 to currently a size 10/12).

I remember back as a teen I considered my mom to be fat, ugly, unattractive, and I think she was all that. But I don't want to be.

Somehow most of the moms at my daughter's school seem to be older than me, so this issue hasn't occurred to me. But recently at an event I saw a girl my daughter's age with an attractive mother, and I wished I were that mom.

Did you have similar insights when your daughters reached their teenage years?

Thanks in advance.

So, wait. You intend to COMPETE with your teenage daughter in terms of appearance?

Jesus.

[Anonymous]

These posters are mean.

OP, your DD is normal. My DD has a few "mom" categories:
1. Normal mom - probably what you are now.
2. Botox mom - mom who has way too much plastic surgery and big lips, dresses very nice and expensively
3. Pretty mom - thin, fit, naturally attractive
4. Doesn't care mom - the ones that let themselves go.

In her eyes I'm 3, I think. There isn't a whole lot of thought that goes into her evaluations, do don't put too much stock in it.

[Anonymous]

Well that’s one of the more f’ed up things I’ve ever read on here.

[Anonymous]

You are having the opposite reaction I would have. I would use the opportunity to teach her that pretty is as pretty does and it’s how you treat that matters.

[Anonymous]

Please leave poor Snow White alone.

[Anonymous]

this is so weird

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll be blunt, OP: your post gives vibes of deep-seated insecurity with appearances and body issues.

Your job as a mom with regard to your daughter's body is to 1.) encourage your daughter to have good hygiene/nutrition/exercise habits and avoid drugs and alcohol, and 2.) have a good mental health approach and relationship to body stuff.
For the record, if dad is in the picture, this is his job, too.

If you want to up your game for YOU that's fine/great!

But comparing yourself to other moms, especially relative to size and age, is doing your daughter zero favors.

Also, be was pretty as you can be: your daughter will likely still be somewhat embarrassed by you for a variety of silly teen reasons.

Ha ha. Very true. I am one of the younger, "prettier" mothers in my daughter's circle, and she still pokes fun at me. Very rarely, I will come down in the morning, and she will look me up and down approvingly and say "you look nice today". HIGH PRAISE from a 13 year old girl!!! Nothing makes her happier than when I have an event and *I ask her opinion on what I should wear*. It sets her up so much! She has an eye for color, and usually her suggestions are appropriate for a 40-something mother.

Maybe you could ask your daughter to look through some of your outfits, and that will teach her to dress you for the figure you have, not the figure she wishes you had? And maybe you could go shopping together.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I would focus on inner beauty, health, and strength. Not outer beauty. The most classically beautiful woman can be absolutely ugly inside, and that’s the last thing I would want for my daughter to be.