I recently realized that my 13 y.o. daughter is comparing her attractiveness to mine, so I need to step up my game

Anonymous
Hi OP. I harshly judged my mom, who hates herself. I hate myself. Hoping I am now the age my mom was when I judged her so harshly and hate how I look. Hope this isn't you and your daughter.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:No, and this seems insane. You should focus on your HEALTH. And while doing that, focus on your daughter not being shallow and superficial. My mother was hugely obese (think seatbelt extender and Lane Bryant) had acne scarring, and frizzy hair. But she was a good neighbor, a good friend, good daughter, and those were the things about her I emulated.


Lemme guess - you are obese too and this post triggers you.


NP. It’s really weird how triggered YOU are. I’m thin, btw.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:These posters are mean.

OP, your DD is normal. My DD has a few "mom" categories:
1. Normal mom - probably what you are now.
2. Botox mom - mom who has way too much plastic surgery and big lips, dresses very nice and expensively
3. Pretty mom - thin, fit, naturally attractive
4. Doesn't care mom - the ones that let themselves go.

In her eyes I'm 3, I think. There isn't a whole lot of thought that goes into her evaluations, do don't put too much stock in it.


Wow. Just, wow.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:Thinking back, I cannot even remember who the “pretty” moms were growing up. I remember the moms who drove us to the mall, and the one mom who was super good at math and helped us with algebra, and the ones who invited me to stay for dinner a million times. Never did I think anything about their appearances. You are focusing on the wrong stuff.


+1. I don’t remember any “pretty” moms when I was growing up 🤔. They were all just moms and all seemed old.


Truth.


+3 The exception was a 29 yo who had a 13 yo. She was well groomed(genetically average), obsessed with her appearance, and a horrible mother. One of her DDs also became a teen mom, the other had an eating disorder.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'll be blunt, OP: your post gives vibes of deep-seated insecurity with appearances and body issues.

Your job as a mom with regard to your daughter's body is to 1.) encourage your daughter to have good hygiene/nutrition/exercise habits and avoid drugs and alcohol, and 2.) have a good mental health approach and relationship to body stuff.
For the record, if dad is in the picture, this is his job, too.

If you want to up your game for YOU that's fine/great!

But comparing yourself to other moms, especially relative to size and age, is doing your daughter zero favors.

Also, be was pretty as you can be: your daughter will likely still be somewhat embarrassed by you for a variety of silly teen reasons.







Ha ha. Very true. I am one of the younger, "prettier" mothers in my daughter's circle, and she still pokes fun at me. Very rarely, I will come down in the morning, and she will look me up and down approvingly and say "you look nice today". HIGH PRAISE from a 13 year old girl!!! Nothing makes her happier than when I have an event and *I ask her opinion on what I should wear*. It sets her up so much! She has an eye for color, and usually her suggestions are appropriate for a 40-something mother.

Maybe you could ask your daughter to look through some of your outfits, and that will teach her to dress you for the figure you have, not the figure she wishes you had? And maybe you could go shopping together.



And another shallow twit.

This is why women just can't break the cycle. Because of other women.


Shallow Twit you replied to. You're very amusing, PP. I'm a research scientist and it may be the first time in my life I've been called shallow. Maybe the shallow person isn't the one you think, but I don't expect you to engage in such a deep self-reflection. You rock on with your surface-level virtue-signaling! Doesn't affect the rest of us in the least.



The tone of your post suggests it has affected you quite a bit. What you do for a living has nothing to do with it. You are teaching your daughter to value appearances in a way that is shallow. You are leaning in to her emphasis on what you look like instead of steering her toward better ways of thinking.

Own it, researcher. The evidence is right there in front of you.


+1
Just because she's a researcher, doesn't mean she's a good one. Someone has to be the bottom of a mediocre state school.


DP. So it’s not okay to judge people based on whether they put effort into their appearance but it IS okay to look down on people who go to state universities? Got it! I’ll make sure my daughter is only judgmental about the “right” things from now on!


Are you joking? People judge for all the above. I'm not saying it's "ok" I'm saying it's just fact- people will judge - looks, education, financial status, kids, cars - if "it" exists "it" will be judged. Now do you "get it"?
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:The responses are divided between:

1. Wise people who know that appearances count and who can find ways to manage societal expectations as well as teen angst about same, so their daughters are aware what portion of intelligence, kindness and looks may contribute to their future success.

2. Insecure, foolish, women triggered by the fact others may or may not be prettier, and who strenuously insist that girls should be raised to be blind to appearances and only look at the beauty within. WELL, GOOD LUCK WITH THAT.



OP here. Thanks, PP, I love this! I am sure that no woman who puts in the effort to look good would be in the category no. 2 that you described.

It is hypocritical to claim that "only inner beauty counts". Physical beauty matters, and is a huge advantage.

Teenage girls talk a lot about clothes/makeup/appearance. My daughter is actually one of the few who does not. However, she does want to look pretty. This is understandable, and nothing to restrain.

So, to the other PPs: please do write me that I am raising my daughter to be superficial. She is a straight A student at the best private school in the area.


You should look in on some of her notes from her writing classes then. The first part of your sentence is not negated by the second part.


+1 I'm always amused when people here mention their DDs’ grades as “proof” that they’re not airheads.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:yikes.
i don't think you mean compete. i think you mean, your teen notices you adn you want her to be proud of you and you want to model good care of yourself?
i'd focus on the last. honestly, i wouldn't talk about tehse things with your kid before some therapy.


Agree. I think you worded the title of the OP to mean something you didn’t intend.

The truth is we live in a world where appearances do matter. If you put some time and effort into how your dress, grooming, and maintaining fitness/heathy weight, you are absolutely treated differently. It shows respect for yourself and those around you and in turn, people are nicer and more respectful back. This doesn’t mean you have to try to look 20. But take care of yourself.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'll be blunt, OP: your post gives vibes of deep-seated insecurity with appearances and body issues.

Your job as a mom with regard to your daughter's body is to 1.) encourage your daughter to have good hygiene/nutrition/exercise habits and avoid drugs and alcohol, and 2.) have a good mental health approach and relationship to body stuff.
For the record, if dad is in the picture, this is his job, too.

If you want to up your game for YOU that's fine/great!

But comparing yourself to other moms, especially relative to size and age, is doing your daughter zero favors.

Also, be was pretty as you can be: your daughter will likely still be somewhat embarrassed by you for a variety of silly teen reasons.







Ha ha. Very true. I am one of the younger, "prettier" mothers in my daughter's circle, and she still pokes fun at me. Very rarely, I will come down in the morning, and she will look me up and down approvingly and say "you look nice today". HIGH PRAISE from a 13 year old girl!!! Nothing makes her happier than when I have an event and *I ask her opinion on what I should wear*. It sets her up so much! She has an eye for color, and usually her suggestions are appropriate for a 40-something mother.

Maybe you could ask your daughter to look through some of your outfits, and that will teach her to dress you for the figure you have, not the figure she wishes you had? And maybe you could go shopping together.



And another shallow twit.

This is why women just can't break the cycle. Because of other women.


Shallow Twit you replied to. You're very amusing, PP. I'm a research scientist and it may be the first time in my life I've been called shallow. Maybe the shallow person isn't the one you think, but I don't expect you to engage in such a deep self-reflection. You rock on with your surface-level virtue-signaling! Doesn't affect the rest of us in the least.



The tone of your post suggests it has affected you quite a bit. What you do for a living has nothing to do with it. You are teaching your daughter to value appearances in a way that is shallow. You are leaning in to her emphasis on what you look like instead of steering her toward better ways of thinking.

Own it, researcher. The evidence is right there in front of you.


+1
Just because she's a researcher, doesn't mean she's a good one. Someone has to be the bottom of a mediocre state school.


DP. So it’s not okay to judge people based on whether they put effort into their appearance but it IS okay to look down on people who go to state universities? Got it! I’ll make sure my daughter is only judgmental about the “right” things from now on!


Are you joking? People judge for all the above. I'm not saying it's "ok" I'm saying it's just fact- people will judge - looks, education, financial status, kids, cars - if "it" exists "it" will be judged. Now do you "get it"?


Weird response. I don’t think you were following the specific conversation you’re ranting about… and if you wrote the “mediocre state school post” and then responded with the above… I assume you must be drunk, because it’s a complete non sequitur.

The post you are responding to is obviously pointing out the hypocrisy of the many posters in this thread clucking about how OP is raising her daughter with the “wrong” values and then inevitably go on to list “kindness” as one of those values.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Thinking back, I cannot even remember who the “pretty” moms were growing up. I remember the moms who drove us to the mall, and the one mom who was super good at math and helped us with algebra, and the ones who invited me to stay for dinner a million times. Never did I think anything about their appearances. You are focusing on the wrong stuff.


I remember ONE pretty mom when I was growing up. But that’s because she had been a Bollywood star before she got married and became a SAHM. She was so glamorous, even just in her frumpy house clothes, and damn was she a great cook! I fully believe my love of Indian food came from eating at my friend’s house.
Anonymous
DD 12 is quick to notice my grays coming in and will say something like hey mom, when is your next hair appointment? Ha ha, she keeps me on my toes.

However you take care of yourself do it because it makes YOU feel good. You are a role model for your daughter. Please don’t compete with her.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'll be blunt, OP: your post gives vibes of deep-seated insecurity with appearances and body issues.

Your job as a mom with regard to your daughter's body is to 1.) encourage your daughter to have good hygiene/nutrition/exercise habits and avoid drugs and alcohol, and 2.) have a good mental health approach and relationship to body stuff.
For the record, if dad is in the picture, this is his job, too.

If you want to up your game for YOU that's fine/great!

But comparing yourself to other moms, especially relative to size and age, is doing your daughter zero favors.

Also, be was pretty as you can be: your daughter will likely still be somewhat embarrassed by you for a variety of silly teen reasons.







Ha ha. Very true. I am one of the younger, "prettier" mothers in my daughter's circle, and she still pokes fun at me. Very rarely, I will come down in the morning, and she will look me up and down approvingly and say "you look nice today". HIGH PRAISE from a 13 year old girl!!! Nothing makes her happier than when I have an event and *I ask her opinion on what I should wear*. It sets her up so much! She has an eye for color, and usually her suggestions are appropriate for a 40-something mother.

Maybe you could ask your daughter to look through some of your outfits, and that will teach her to dress you for the figure you have, not the figure she wishes you had? And maybe you could go shopping together.



And another shallow twit.

This is why women just can't break the cycle. Because of other women.


Shallow Twit you replied to. You're very amusing, PP. I'm a research scientist and it may be the first time in my life I've been called shallow. Maybe the shallow person isn't the one you think, but I don't expect you to engage in such a deep self-reflection. You rock on with your surface-level virtue-signaling! Doesn't affect the rest of us in the least.



The tone of your post suggests it has affected you quite a bit. What you do for a living has nothing to do with it. You are teaching your daughter to value appearances in a way that is shallow. You are leaning in to her emphasis on what you look like instead of steering her toward better ways of thinking.

Own it, researcher. The evidence is right there in front of you.


+1
Just because she's a researcher, doesn't mean she's a good one. Someone has to be the bottom of a mediocre state school.


DP. So it’s not okay to judge people based on whether they put effort into their appearance but it IS okay to look down on people who go to state universities? Got it! I’ll make sure my daughter is only judgmental about the “right” things from now on!


Are you joking? People judge for all the above. I'm not saying it's "ok" I'm saying it's just fact- people will judge - looks, education, financial status, kids, cars - if "it" exists "it" will be judged. Now do you "get it"?


Weird response. I don’t think you were following the specific conversation you’re ranting about… and if you wrote the “mediocre state school post” and then responded with the above… I assume you must be drunk, because it’s a complete non sequitur.

The post you are responding to is obviously pointing out the hypocrisy of the many posters in this thread clucking about how OP is raising her daughter with the “wrong” values and then inevitably go on to list “kindness” as one of those values.


I was pointing out how both sides are judging folks! It's true! Some people can actually see both sides of an argument. I must be alone in doing so on this thread.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:DD 12 is quick to notice my grays coming in and will say something like hey mom, when is your next hair appointment? Ha ha, she keeps me on my toes.

However you take care of yourself do it because it makes YOU feel good. You are a role model for your daughter. Please don’t compete with her.


My tween notices my greys and says they're beautiful and look like silver in the light. I said I might dye them and she said, why, they're nice.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:yikes.
i don't think you mean compete. i think you mean, your teen notices you adn you want her to be proud of you and you want to model good care of yourself?
i'd focus on the last. honestly, i wouldn't talk about tehse things with your kid before some therapy.


Agree. I think you worded the title of the OP to mean something you didn’t intend.

The truth is we live in a world where appearances do matter. If you put some time and effort into how your dress, grooming, and maintaining fitness/heathy weight, you are absolutely treated differently. It shows respect for yourself and those around you and in turn, people are nicer and more respectful back. This doesn’t mean you have to try to look 20. But take care of yourself.


Hold on...I hope you mean simply that you need to bathe and try to do things to be healthy, right? It is respectful of others not to smell, have clean clothes. A person should take care of themselves in terms of exercise and healthy eating out of self respect. But beyond that, other people's taste or preference in clothes, whether or not they wear makeup or color their hair etc., has nothing to do with respect they show for themselves or others around them. Many people find focus on outward appearance beyond the basics uninteresting and unnecessary.

More shallow nonsense with parents passing on bad ideas to their kids under the guise of wisdom.
Anonymous
I think this a great time to have The Talk, Part II: How your body changes the second time.

We too often stop teaching kids about the human body at getting pregnant. I really think it would be helpful to society if we spent as much time teaching kids about how the body changes in pregnancy, how the body changes in perimenopause, how to care for your body so you don't suffer from the post-menopausal conditions like osteoporosis and heart disease.

Hopefully our daughters can see the post-natal and menopausal changes in our bodies as natural and well-earned.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:
Anonymous wrote:I'll be blunt, OP: your post gives vibes of deep-seated insecurity with appearances and body issues.

Your job as a mom with regard to your daughter's body is to 1.) encourage your daughter to have good hygiene/nutrition/exercise habits and avoid drugs and alcohol, and 2.) have a good mental health approach and relationship to body stuff.
For the record, if dad is in the picture, this is his job, too.

If you want to up your game for YOU that's fine/great!

But comparing yourself to other moms, especially relative to size and age, is doing your daughter zero favors.

Also, be was pretty as you can be: your daughter will likely still be somewhat embarrassed by you for a variety of silly teen reasons.



Ha ha. Very true. I am one of the younger, "prettier" mothers in my daughter's circle, and she still pokes fun at me. Very rarely, I will come down in the morning, and she will look me up and down approvingly and say "you look nice today". HIGH PRAISE from a 13 year old girl!!! Nothing makes her happier than when I have an event and *I ask her opinion on what I should wear*. It sets her up so much! She has an eye for color, and usually her suggestions are appropriate for a 40-something mother.

Maybe you could ask your daughter to look through some of your outfits, and that will teach her to dress you for the figure you have, not the figure she wishes you had? And maybe you could go shopping together.



And another shallow twit.

This is why women just can't break the cycle. Because of other women.


This made me laugh! What does “ break the cycle” even mean? You want everyone to be like you? An ugly frumpy fat woman who is “not shallow” because she is obese. LOL


DP. Wow. You are very hateful.
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