Reply to DH was a huge jerk to me today and I don't know what to do next

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I’d watch for a pattern but if it’s really out of character and he is a good husband and father, I’d find some grace and be patient with him. Assume it’s temporary and stop exacerbating the situation. If it becomes a pattern, then seek help from a counselor and schedule a doctor appointment for him - could be low testosterone levels or something else. My husband is a dick a lot (ADHD) so I experience that type of behavior weekly and it’s exhausting. I’m sorry it’s been a hard week.[/quote]

Thank you, I appreciate this advice and other responses.  I'm sitting here at my desk not getting any work done and just stewing, and trying to stop myself from going back over to him and reopening everything.  The thought of going in and assuming we're on for dinner together and acting like he didn't curse me out is also totally unappealing, but I will try to swallow my pride and open up the outing as a chance to talk.  Testosterone levels would have never occurred to me, but good to know.[/quote]

DP. Give yourself another 10-15 minutes of stewing. Maybe write down everything you want to say to him. Then when the time is up, refocus on something else--work or whatever. You know no good can come of reopening things right now. But this too shall pass, so try to keep things in perspective.

In this instance, I'd probably go up to him and say "Hey, I'm not happy about what happened earlier. I don't think either one of us handled it very well. I can tell you're really stressed out about work and when you're ready, I'd like to talk about all of this more so that we can understand what we need to do differently. But I was really looking forward to tonight, and I'd still like to go if you're up for it. Maybe we could both use time to reconnect. But if you're not up for it, we can find another time." Don't get hung up on the fact that you have to make the first move. Someone has to do it and for all you know, he might be feeling so terrible, he doesn't even know how to approach you.[/quote]

OP here and I'm going to do this when I hear he's off his work call.  Thank you.

As for the other PP accusing me of the "yadda yadda"ing, I know.  I knew I'd get called out for that as I was writing.  It was a lot of me asking why he would prioritize moving something that's bothering him but not prioritize moving the stuff that's bothering me, it was me telling him he already has the better home office set up so don't mess with stuff in mine (our apartment is small, we have extremely limited options for where we can do work). I think that was the point at which things spiraled and I moved his items off the mantel and onto the bookshelf, and he went to the bathroom and cleared out my stuff in response.  Yadda yadda yadda.

But I'll go back there and suggest we keep our plans together this evening and we'll go from there.[/quote]

His response really was wildly disproportionate. Not ok to yell at you and call you an ahole because you didn't want to move furniture when you were about to hop on a Zoom call and hadn't agreed to move it. You moving his things out of the way to another area is not the same as him taking your toiletries from the bathroom and throwing them on the floor. He needs to apologize.

I do think you too might need better boundaries to WFH. This isn't the main issue here, but it can't be healthy or productive for you guys to be asking each other to do things in the middle of your workday, arguing about it, and then stewing. It wasn't right of him to bother you during your call and it's not right for you to pounce on him to talk the second he gets off his current call. It seems that a lot of his stress is triggered from work and he doesn't have any sense of separation between work and home. You should not bother each other. Maybe have a set lunch date together every day and otherwise ignore each other. Perhaps one of you takes a walk or runs an errand at 5 to clear your head and mark the end of the work day. He probably needs time to decompress from whatever is stressing him out (I am not saying how he treated you is ok but you say he's not a bad guy overall).[/quote]

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