Say something or be quiet? (Team secret buddy exchange gone wrong)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Another possibility: the kid made a lovely note and it was forgotten at home so the parent replicated in a pinch. Stuff happens. Let it go.

I heard what happened. I was annoyed enough that I directly texted just m the mom who was organizing things to let her know we wouldn’t be participating for the next meet because it made my daughter feel crappy before this meet instead of encouraged. I said that my daughter realized it was from an adult and felt hurt. I didn’t send a group text.

She replied and confessed that she had messed up the names this week and realized that she hadn’t assigned my daughter a buddy and didn’t know what to do so at the last minute and she wrote the note herself.

I already dislike this mom for other reasons plus she was the one obsessed with doing buddies in the first place. Knowing that she knew my daughter didn’t have a buddy for a week and then tried to cover it at the last minute was not the explanation I was expecting.

Definitely would have been more understanding of poor fine motor skills or a dead grandma or some of the other not unreasonable explanations others wrote here.

[Anonymous]

PS and it wasn’t a lovely note, it said “Dear X, stay positive, from your secret buddy”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If participation is voluntary, why don’t you just opt out for the remaining meets?

We’re going to. One of the moms in charge was one of the moms of a kid who didn’t like the idea of the same buddy for the entire season, so new buddies are chosen each week. So that lets me opt out since it doesn’t leave one girl without a buddy for the rest of the season.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If participation is voluntary, why don’t you just opt out for the remaining meets?

We’re going to. One of the moms in charge was one of the moms of a kid who didn’t like the idea of the same buddy for the entire season, so new buddies are chosen each week. So that lets me opt out since it doesn’t leave one girl without a buddy for the rest of the season.

Are you opting out because you want to or did your daughter ask for that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another possibility: the kid made a lovely note and it was forgotten at home so the parent replicated in a pinch. Stuff happens. Let it go.

I heard what happened. I was annoyed enough that I directly texted just m the mom who was organizing things to let her know we wouldn’t be participating for the next meet because it made my daughter feel crappy before this meet instead of encouraged. I said that my daughter realized it was from an adult and felt hurt. I didn’t send a group text.

She replied and confessed that she had messed up the names this week and realized that she hadn’t assigned my daughter a buddy and didn’t know what to do so at the last minute and she wrote the note herself.

I already dislike this mom for other reasons plus she was the one obsessed with doing buddies in the first place. Knowing that she knew my daughter didn’t have a buddy for a week and then tried to cover it at the last minute was not the explanation I was expecting.

Definitely would have been more understanding of poor fine motor skills or a dead grandma or some of the other not unreasonable explanations others wrote here.

Op, you probably have legitimate reason to dislike this woman and opt out of this note tradition, but honestly what you've written here just seems like an honest mistake that she was trying to fix.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:PS and it wasn’t a lovely note, it said “Dear X, stay positive, from your secret buddy”

Other than handwriting, how did you know that wasn't from a 10 year old?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If participation is voluntary, why don’t you just opt out for the remaining meets?

We’re going to. One of the moms in charge was one of the moms of a kid who didn’t like the idea of the same buddy for the entire season, so new buddies are chosen each week. So that lets me opt out since it doesn’t leave one girl without a buddy for the rest of the season.

Are you opting out because you want to or did your daughter ask for that?

My daughter said “I wish I didn’t have to do this because it made me feel sad and weird”.

[Anonymous]

Gosh, I would give this child a little grace. You have no idea what happened the day of the note writing, why they weren’t able to do it themselves, etc. It’s a good time to teach your daughter Grace as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:PS and it wasn’t a lovely note, it said “Dear X, stay positive, from your secret buddy”

Other than handwriting, how did you know that wasn't from a 10 year old?

Doesn’t take an intelligence analyst to recognize it. My daughter said “a mom wrote this!” the second she opened it- it looks just like every note she’s ever received from her aunts or teachers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If participation is voluntary, why don’t you just opt out for the remaining meets?

We’re going to. One of the moms in charge was one of the moms of a kid who didn’t like the idea of the same buddy for the entire season, so new buddies are chosen each week. So that lets me opt out since it doesn’t leave one girl without a buddy for the rest of the season.

Are you opting out because you want to or did your daughter ask for that?

My daughter said “I wish I didn’t have to do this because it made me feel sad and weird”.

I’m sorry I don’t understand what made her feel weird?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, I would give this child a little grace. You have no idea what happened the day of the note writing, why they weren’t able to do it themselves, etc. It’s a good time to teach your daughter Grace as well.

Read above, no child, the moms didn’t give her a buddy and scrambled to cover the mistake.

[Anonymous]

OP,

Your child is reaching an age where in the normal course of things, there will be a lot of social disappointments and maybe even mean girl behavior. I'd try to get a hold of your own social anxiety before then so you can support her in being resilient and not buffeted by randos.

Think of this as a heads up re: some work to do. And that your initial impulse was to impulsively, what, lash out? Which would have made things exponentially worse for your DD and you re: team dynamics. The note was not intended as a personal slight. And it was not mean. The future holds both, have you seen Mean Girls?

Learn to be more resilient and emotionally regulated yourself re: these things, maybe some DBT sessions, so you can model that for your kids. Your DD sounds great. Not everyone will be a fan in life, and that's ok, AND that's not even what happened here.

There will be parties she's not invited to, friends who drop her to social climb, friends who gossip or are mean at school or later at work. That's life. Help her focus on getting satisfaction from the job she does, and knowing she might not get the same back in return, reason doesn't matter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Another possibility: the kid made a lovely note and it was forgotten at home so the parent replicated in a pinch. Stuff happens. Let it go.

I heard what happened. I was annoyed enough that I directly texted just m the mom who was organizing things to let her know we wouldn’t be participating for the next meet because it made my daughter feel crappy before this meet instead of encouraged. I said that my daughter realized it was from an adult and felt hurt. I didn’t send a group text.

She replied and confessed that she had messed up the names this week and realized that she hadn’t assigned my daughter a buddy and didn’t know what to do so at the last minute and she wrote the note herself.

I already dislike this mom for other reasons plus she was the one obsessed with doing buddies in the first place. Knowing that she knew my daughter didn’t have a buddy for a week and then tried to cover it at the last minute was not the explanation I was expecting.

Definitely would have been more understanding of poor fine motor skills or a dead grandma or some of the other not unreasonable explanations others wrote here.

Op, you probably have legitimate reason to dislike this woman and opt out of this note tradition, but honestly what you've written here just seems like an honest mistake that she was trying to fix.

+1
Wow, she was just trying to make sure your daughter wasn’t empty-handed and tried to correct the mistake! You and your daughter both sound like like a piece of work to be honest. She felt sad and weird? That is very strange language.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If participation is voluntary, why don’t you just opt out for the remaining meets?

We’re going to. One of the moms in charge was one of the moms of a kid who didn’t like the idea of the same buddy for the entire season, so new buddies are chosen each week. So that lets me opt out since it doesn’t leave one girl without a buddy for the rest of the season.

Are you opting out because you want to or did your daughter ask for that?

My daughter said “I wish I didn’t have to do this because it made me feel sad and weird”.

I’m sorry I don’t understand what made her feel weird?

I think that’s just how 9 year olds describe negative emotions and/or a reaction to processing the realization that your anticipated pep talk from a teammate ended up being more like a note from a teacher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Gosh, I would give this child a little grace. You have no idea what happened the day of the note writing, why they weren’t able to do it themselves, etc. It’s a good time to teach your daughter Grace as well.

Read above, no child, the moms didn’t give her a buddy and scrambled to cover the mistake.

Yes, so you can still teach Grace. “Honey, Larlas mom made a mistake but still wanted to make sure included, wasn’t that nice? we should try to give people grace when they make a mistake.”