Say something or be quiet? (Team secret buddy exchange gone wrong)

[Anonymous]

New parents (everyone but 4 of us) on my daughter’s swim team decided to have every girl in her age group write notes to a secret buddy before each meet with encouraging words. Anyone with a child who’s been 9 or 10 can probably guess how this is playing out. Originally it was going to be one buddy for the entire winter, and then some girls were brats and complained (audibly!) about their buddies, so their moms advocated for changing buddies with every meet. There was drama from the start.

I don’t like these things and don’t feel like doing it but we are taking a few minutes out of our week to remember to do it and it’s fine. My daughter rose to the occasion and has been busting out her gel pens weekly and making her notes sweet, creative and encouraging, even when it’s for girls who aren’t the nicest. She’s had a hard season and is learning big lessons in sportsmanship, especially when she has to write encouragement to the fastest, meanest girl on the team while she’s struggling.

After having pretty much her worst meet and practice week ever, my daughter was looking forward to her note this week. I was crushed when I saw her open it and her face fall. It was clearly written at the last minute by a 40-something woman, with the vocabulary, handwriting and paper to match. The note did not have a positive impact on my daughter and left her feeling “sad and weird” instead of feeling cheered on and encouraged.

There are girls on the team who are literally refugees and barely speak English who have managed notes, and most girls’ districts had snow days this week=lots of free time. I can’t imagine a situation where someone can’t have their 3rd or 4th grade child write/draw a note with 7 days’ notice, especially after all the fuss the other moms put up about how important these notes were.

Do I say something on the group text of 16 moms? Stay silent? There are only 3 more meets after this one so most girls likely won’t experience this if I don’t say anything, and if I speak up I’ll probably look like the jerk, right?

[Anonymous]

Wow, not where I thought this was going at all. Thought someone wrote something mean.

You are hugely over-reacting. This whole thing is a dumb idea but you are really blowing it out of proportion and projecting on your kid. Step back lady.

[Anonymous]

Some kids have special needs and refuse to write (ask me how I know). I write all the cards, notes, etc. Maybe that's the case. The mom did not want to leave your kid without a note and wrote it herself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:New parents (everyone but 4 of us) on my daughter’s swim team decided to have every girl in her age group write notes to a secret buddy before each meet with encouraging words. Anyone with a child who’s been 9 or 10 can probably guess how this is playing out. Originally it was going to be one buddy for the entire winter, and then some girls were brats and complained (audibly!) about their buddies, so their moms advocated for changing buddies with every meet. There was drama from the start.

I don’t like these things and don’t feel like doing it but we are taking a few minutes out of our week to remember to do it and it’s fine. My daughter rose to the occasion and has been busting out her gel pens weekly and making her notes sweet, creative and encouraging, even when it’s for girls who aren’t the nicest. She’s had a hard season and is learning big lessons in sportsmanship, especially when she has to write encouragement to the fastest, meanest girl on the team while she’s struggling.

After having pretty much her worst meet and practice week ever, my daughter was looking forward to her note this week. I was crushed when I saw her open it and her face fall. It was clearly written at the last minute by a 40-something woman, with the vocabulary, handwriting and paper to match. The note did not have a positive impact on my daughter and left her feeling “sad and weird” instead of feeling cheered on and encouraged.

There are girls on the team who are literally refugees and barely speak English who have managed notes, and most girls’ districts had snow days this week=lots of free time. I can’t imagine a situation where someone can’t have their 3rd or 4th grade child write/draw a note with 7 days’ notice, especially after all the fuss the other moms put up about how important these notes were.

Do I say something on the group text of 16 moms? Stay silent? There are only 3 more meets after this one so most girls likely won’t experience this if I don’t say anything, and if I speak up I’ll probably look like the jerk, right?

You are the one putting up the fuss. Let it go.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some kids have special needs and refuse to write (ask me how I know). I write all the cards, notes, etc. Maybe that's the case. The mom did not want to leave your kid without a note and wrote it herself.

This is me and my dyslexic kid with ADHD and ASD. Asking her to write a note is just impossible. Whoever came up with this idea should can it. But stop judging the kids for not writing notes. Not everyone can write. Not even the ones you’d think would be able to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine a situation where someone can’t have their 3rd or 4th grade child write/draw a note with 7 days’ notice, especially after all the fuss the other moms put up about how important these notes were.

I'm glad your life has been that charmed. You don't know why the other child might have needed help to write that note.

You have a whole lot of empathy for your daughter and her hard week of swimming. Have some empathy for another child, and respect this family's privacy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine a situation where someone can’t have their 3rd or 4th grade child write/draw a note with 7 days’ notice, especially after all the fuss the other moms put up about how important these notes were.

I'm glad your life has been that charmed. You don't know why the other child might have needed help to write that note.

You have a whole lot of empathy for your daughter and her hard week of swimming. Have some empathy for another child, and respect this family's privacy.

Participation was voluntary. They could have not entered the name draw, drawn a picture, covered paper with stickers, or done anything that showed a child has been vaguely involved.

A 10 year old who can complete a 2500 m workout and has the family resources to show up at 4 practices/week can put stickers on a piece of paper or one-finger type a message to print out. These aren’t pre-k kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine a situation where someone can’t have their 3rd or 4th grade child write/draw a note with 7 days’ notice, especially after all the fuss the other moms put up about how important these notes were.

I'm glad your life has been that charmed. You don't know why the other child might have needed help to write that note.

You have a whole lot of empathy for your daughter and her hard week of swimming. Have some empathy for another child, and respect this family's privacy.

Participation was voluntary. They could have not entered the name draw, drawn a picture, covered paper with stickers, or done anything that showed a child has been vaguely involved.

A 10 year old who can complete a 2500 m workout and has the family resources to show up at 4 practices/week can put stickers on a piece of paper or one-finger type a message to print out. These aren’t pre-k kids.

A 10 year old who can complete a 2500 m workout and has the family resources to show up at 4 practices/week can get over a note written by an adult. And so can you, OP.

Can’t imagine what stink you’d raise had they slapped some stickers on a piece of paper instead of “busting their gel pens” like a champ.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine a situation where someone can’t have their 3rd or 4th grade child write/draw a note with 7 days’ notice, especially after all the fuss the other moms put up about how important these notes were.

I'm glad your life has been that charmed. You don't know why the other child might have needed help to write that note.

You have a whole lot of empathy for your daughter and her hard week of swimming. Have some empathy for another child, and respect this family's privacy.

Participation was voluntary. They could have not entered the name draw, drawn a picture, covered paper with stickers, or done anything that showed a child has been vaguely involved.

A 10 year old who can complete a 2500 m workout and has the family resources to show up at 4 practices/week can put stickers on a piece of paper or one-finger type a message to print out. These aren’t pre-k kids.

np. Your kid isn't pre-k either. She'll be fine. This isn't ideal, but you're way overreacting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, not where I thought this was going at all. Thought someone wrote something mean.

You are hugely over-reacting. This whole thing is a dumb idea but you are really blowing it out of proportion and projecting on your kid. Step back lady.

+1

[Anonymous]

This thread was unhelpful except as a good way to identify the people who rush to grab the napkins and paper plate slots on the signup genius for team potlucks.

If there is a place where people are willing to put in effort for anything that isn’t for their own biological kids or their paid job, I want to move there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can’t imagine a situation where someone can’t have their 3rd or 4th grade child write/draw a note with 7 days’ notice, especially after all the fuss the other moms put up about how important these notes were.

I'm glad your life has been that charmed. You don't know why the other child might have needed help to write that note.

You have a whole lot of empathy for your daughter and her hard week of swimming. Have some empathy for another child, and respect this family's privacy.

Participation was voluntary. They could have not entered the name draw, drawn a picture, covered paper with stickers, or done anything that showed a child has been vaguely involved.

A 10 year old who can complete a 2500 m workout and has the family resources to show up at 4 practices/week can put stickers on a piece of paper or one-finger type a message to print out. These aren’t pre-k kids.

A 10 year old who can complete a 2500 m workout and has the family resources to show up at 4 practices/week can get over a note written by an adult. And so can you, OP.

Can’t imagine what stink you’d raise had they slapped some stickers on a piece of paper instead of “busting their gel pens” like a champ.

Lol this phrase will live on. Think of the dedication, the excellence, the perseverance required to bust out your gel pens :lol:

[Anonymous]

I'd say this whole thing kind of went sideways, and encourage my DD to focus on the positive aspects of it, and to keep in mind that her confidence in her abilities needs to come from within. She needs to be her own hype man. And then I'd play her Eminem and Eye of the Tiger and Roar and the Rocky theme song really loud on the way to swim practices.

[Anonymous]

Agree you are overreacting. Use this as an opportunity to teach your daughter some resilience. “Oh honey, that’s a little disappointing - but not the end of the world.” and move on.

You have no idea what’s going on in the other family’s life. Maybe as PPs have said, the other child has SNs, maybe a grandparent is dying or parents are having marital or job stress and it fell off the priority list and parents scrambled, maybe they’re just flakey people who are forgetful and don’t prioritize extraneous swim team commitments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'd say this whole thing kind of went sideways, and encourage my DD to focus on the positive aspects of it, and to keep in mind that her confidence in her abilities needs to come from within. She needs to be her own hype man. And then I'd play her Eminem and Eye of the Tiger and Roar and the Rocky theme song really loud on the way to swim practices.

Thanks! OP here and I got roasted in the comments and don’t care because it was worth it for this bit of actually helpful advice. Also thank you for putting the opening chords of Eye of the Tiger in my head for the reminder of the weekend.