Can I declare a moratorium on cooking?

[Anonymous]

My kids were making some of our meals at that age. They didn't always do a perfect job but I certainly didn't criticize, I praised and encouraged, so they would know how that works. My H made meals whenever he could with his schedule.

When my youngest (of two) had her driver's license I stopped grocery shopping and cooking altogether. They made a list together, she shopped for it, she or her dad cooked it and I happily ate whatever they came up with. That worked out well for everybody. She learned a lot and I got a much deserved break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop cooking for two weeks. Order every meal in. Everyone in the family gets a chance to choose a restaurant. If you don’t want to eat it, you make something for yourself. Tell you family, in a matter of fact, calm tone, that you are taking two weeks off. Not out of spite. But because you need a break. It’s hard to cook and meal plan. And so thankless. I’ve do this on occasion. It’s a good reset and will Make you less resentful about the cooking.

Meh. I’d stop cooking AND ordering. Let them figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop cooking for two weeks. Order every meal in. Everyone in the family gets a chance to choose a restaurant. If you don’t want to eat it, you make something for yourself. Tell you family, in a matter of fact, calm tone, that you are taking two weeks off. Not out of spite. But because you need a break. It’s hard to cook and meal plan. And so thankless. I’ve do this on occasion. It’s a good reset and will Make you less resentful about the cooking.

She doesn't need a break, she needs a fix

[Anonymous]

I think the problem is your husband, he’s modeled being a jerk to your kids, and now you’re getting it from all sides. They’re all old enough for a serious conversation about how the comments make you feel and to start cooking for the family when they express displeasure. Also try to give positive reinforcement if you do get compliments.

My kids are the same ages but are really good about complimenting and thanking for food, but DH and I both model that for them with each other (we both cook). The few times they were rude at younger ages the non-cooking parent quickly called the out on it. Over the summer they each were in charge of dinner one night a week, often Hello Fresh. If you can get them to cook then have a conversation with them after about they would have felt if they did all that work and you told them it was gross maybe they’d get it? Sounds like your husband is the root cause though.

[Anonymous]

My Dh has NEVER complained about what I make for dinner. And yes I work and make more $ than he does. I will ask for feedback and eliminate things that my DH/kids don't care for (we tried Brussel sprouts so many ways and we just cannot). To have them routinely declare "yuck" I'd be done. And your spoiled baby husband is the root cause.

[Anonymous]

I quit cooking for maybe a year. It was great. I just offered frozen trader joes stuff and yogurts and cereal. I am still pissed about how much they complained, yes even after they helped plan the menu and I told them not to complain (the complaining turned from overt to polite complaining), and I'm glad I stopped before giving them a chance to complain more.

[Anonymous]

Yes yes you can.

Your spouse or older kids can then step up to meal plan and cook. Or hire someone to cook a bunch a meals at your house once a week. Or splurge on Blue aprons. Or get fat and poor on take out.

[Anonymous]

You certainly don't need to be cooking breakfast or lunch for your 11-13yo kids or your DH - they can cook themselves something simple or help themselves to cereal and sandwiches. These meals are self-serve in my house.

Dinner I would suggest a meal rotation - each week you cook 2 nights, DH cooks 2 nights, kids cook 1 night (they are old enough to make breakfast for dinner, grilled cheese/tomato soup/bagged salad, other simple meals), and the other 2 nights you either get takeout or have leftovers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have a come to Jesus talk with your husband about his attitude. In our house whichever parent didn't cook dinner thanks the other one at some point during the meal for making it for us. We want the kids to learn to appreciate when someone is putting in effort for us.

+1 My DH has never done this with cooking (and he splits cooking duties with me), but he pulled this crap with travel and activities, which I plan 100% of. You expect kids to sometimes be ungrateful and whiny, but the goal of both parents should be to cure them of these habits by demonstrating better manners. I hit a similar wall to OP regarding travel when it just felt like no matter what I did or how much I tried to cater to their preferences, everyone was always complaining about something. A dynamic I especially resented was that the kids would complain about aspects of a trip that were designed to meet DH's preferences, and then DH would complain about aspects of a trip that were meant for the kids. Meanwhile, I sometimes felt like no aspect of our vacations were meant to meet my needs even though I'm the one planning them.

I had several big conversations with my DH about this and made it clear to him that if he couldn't grow the eff up and find a way to go along and get along on vacations with young kids, then the next vacation would be he and the kids on their own while I stayed home and caught up on sleep and work. He was resistant at first but came around. I think he was reverting to his own behavior during childhood family trips and was treating our kids like siblings instead of realizing that he's the grown up and needs to act like one. I think this tendency can happen a lot with men when their wives are in authority positions -- they don't know how to support that so they just become an extra child to manage. Very annoying!

[Anonymous]

In our house, people who complain about dinner get assigned to make the next one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You certainly don't need to be cooking breakfast or lunch for your 11-13yo kids or your DH - they can cook themselves something simple or help themselves to cereal and sandwiches. These meals are self-serve in my house.

Dinner I would suggest a meal rotation - each week you cook 2 nights, DH cooks 2 nights, kids cook 1 night (they are old enough to make breakfast for dinner, grilled cheese/tomato soup/bagged salad, other simple meals), and the other 2 nights you either get takeout or have leftovers.

I was in OP’s shoes and I tried the advice in the last paragraph. It didn’t work at all. It just made me more upset because it was that much more effort I was expending to try to do something good for my kids and husband and I wish I hadn’t tried it. But I know it works for a lot of people.

I suspect that if OP made dinner 100% her husbands responsibility, the kids would step up more. I tried so hard to do all the right things to slowly get my kids to take care of themselves more, and there was no lasting change. When I just gave up and dumped that responsibility on my husband, it worked and now the kids are more autonomous. I think it’s really hard for kids and a husband to adjust when they just expect the mom to do certain things because that is how it has always been done. And it has been so nice for me, not just to no longer have to worry about those things but also no longer having to get pushback about it.

[Anonymous]

Do they only complain or do they sometimes compliment you?

My kid will complain about dinner - and I will tell him to get himself some cereal or a sandwich if he doesn’t like the food.

But occasionally he will say he liked something and the other day he told me that dinner was “elite”. Such a rush! When he was younger, I caught him saying nice things about dinner and made a big fuss about how good it made me feel. Now he compliments (once in a while) because he has internalized that it matters to me.

They can be trained. But it’s not easy.

Your DH? I got nothing.

[Anonymous]

No one gets to complain. When my siblings and I started complaining, mom assigned us one night per week to be in charge of dinner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In our house, people who complain about dinner get assigned to make the next one.

Nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You need to have a come to Jesus talk with your husband about his attitude. In our house whichever parent didn't cook dinner thanks the other one at some point during the meal for making it for us. We want the kids to learn to appreciate when someone is putting in effort for us.

Excellent advice.