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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]What do we owe our parents when they get older? Does it depend on what they did for us as kids? Their own needs? Financially, emotionally, logistical support? Do we owe them to have them live in our home, when they need care? Does the decision depend on how much they were willing to do for their own parents? I am asking myself those questions - and don’t have the answers?[/quote]

I will just remind those of you with children, that they are watching and learning how to treat their elders from you.  And one day, they will be walking in the shoes you are walking in.

That being said, you don't owe your parents anything.  You do for them because you want to, with love, not because you are obliged to.[/quote]

My father watched his grandparents (living with him) suck up all his parents time/energy/patience/life. He decided not to be involved with his own parents aging. My mom watched how much her mom did and decided she needed to live as far away as possible so she could constantly have an excuse not to visit.

It is better to model healthy balance and boundaries for your kids. Yes, we help our parents, but our children, spouse and ourselves come first and we do not stress out the family for a challenging elder. They need to see that you can be there and not lose your mind. They need to see that the more difficult elders don't get to run the show. You also need to show them how to handle it if an elder becomes abusive with dementia. You don't allow abuse. You get the right care and you visit at the memory care with witnesses and make sure the medication is right. You can in advance and speak to the front desk to make sure the elder is in the right mood for the visit so your kids don't witness or experience abuse. You keep it short and sweet.[/quote]

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