12 yo daughter groped at school...at least twice

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My daughter is very close mouthed, but I'm assuming it means he grabbed her boob. Twice. Same guy. I'm not sure if it was him, or someone else who also said something about her being fat. (She came home the same day and brought that part up with my husband.)

She has depression, anxiety, ocd. All got worse after this. She hasn't seen a therapist in months...she just refused to talk, so thought a break would be good for her. Because of this (and also because it's been awhile), I'm looking for a new one.

She also takes jujitsu, and I think it's helpful....

Ah, that is so difficult. If she is being called fat she probably feels doubly embarrassed about the idea of investigation because they probably did a hit on her self esteem and she might be thinking people won't belive she could be sexually harassed because she's not considered attractive by the boys.

Have you tried having a heart to heart at a time when she is less stressed or will she not hear it at all? I would tell her you're willing to consider whatever makes her comfortable, including changing schools, but would still like to pursue the case against this school. So at least she feels like there's an exit option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. My daughter is very close mouthed, but I'm assuming it means he grabbed her boob. Twice. Same guy. I'm not sure if it was him, or someone else who also said something about her being fat. (She came home the same day and brought that part up with my husband.)

She has depression, anxiety, ocd. All got worse after this. She hasn't seen a therapist in months...she just refused to talk, so thought a break would be good for her. Because of this (and also because it's been awhile), I'm looking for a new one.

She also takes jujitsu, and I think it's helpful....

I’d talk to her instructor to model what to do when someone grabs you. You don’t have to say grope to the instructor.

She should have grabbed his arm and put him in a hold.

“Grabbed his arm and put him in a hold” is pretty vague. She needs to hurt, embarrass and humiliate him, possibly more than once. Every time he sees her he needs to remember how badly it turned out for him the last time. This goes not only for self defense but the entire situation.

A hold is not vague if you know BJJ but i'm not going to debate martial arts. It hurts.

[Anonymous]

Another point — don’t use minimizing words like “grope” or “boob.”

“He grabbed my breast and hurt me.”

[Anonymous]

I would fully be supportive of my DD punching the daylights out of the boy.

I also have a DS, fwiw, and if he did that, I would be fully supportive of the girl punching the daylights out of DS.

You need to document these cases; bring it up again to the school. Then if nothing is done by the school, take to to MCPS with your documentation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF. This is sexual assault. Not only do you tell the school, you tell the police.

TikTok encourages this; it is no big deal to kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wanted to give you some insight into what goes through a shy depressed girls brain when she is being sexually harassed like this. I was your daughter, and I was sexually harassed repeatedly in my teens and twenties. In my teens a swim teammate (boy, it was coed) pulled my swimsuit down around my waist every single day for weeks. I was too embarrassed to ask my mom for a new “swim team” type suit and wore my beach suit. He would swim up behind me. Everyone knew, no one did anything.

I was big and strong. I could have decked the kid, held him underwater, kicked him in the nuts. I did all those things to my big brother! But all I wanted to do was disappear. Having attention called to me was more painful than the harassment. There is also a voice in your head that says “maybe this is okay - maybe he’s allowed to do this - maybe if I say something everyone will laugh at me for making a fuss.” That voice in my head allowed me to be groped on buses, trains, streets and airplanes for the next 10 years.

That voice prevented me from saying a decisive clear NO in my 20s when I didn’t want to sleep with an ex boyfriend who invited me over for a movie.

You don’t need to get her self defense class, though I’m sure that is great. You need to figure out how to change the voice in her head that says other people have rights to her body, and that people paying attention to her will humiliate her. That’s what is preventing her from standing up for herself.

Good luck to you and your daughter, OP.

This is an extraordinarily important post from a very brave poster who has obviously made great strides in her own development. Women have a right to bodily integrity. They are not playthings or amusements for psychopaths. They don’t need to apologize. They need to get mad, really mad, and act on that anger in precise and targeted ways. This poster is right that a change of heart and self image will help. Martial arts can be a tool toward that, but there are other avenues as well. Anything that involves accomplishment can build self-esteem. This poster also makes the critical point that the victim is not at fault and bears no responsibility for their trauma. Saying that the victim “should have” done this or that ignores this. But there is an opportunity now to make an example of the attacker in this case, demonstrating to the victim how much power she really has, and it would be a shame to waste that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. This is sexual assault. Not only do you tell the school, you tell the police.

TikTok encourages this; it is no big deal to kids.

The school sent us this warning about girls being sexually assaulted at the request of TikTok:


“Dear Families,

We have been made aware of a series of new monthly challenges that have been shared across the social media platform TikTok. Last month the “Devious Licks” challenge emerged, and students committed acts of vandalism on school property. Now, these challenges are escalating and harming people.

Here is the full list:

September: Vandalize school bathrooms

October: Smack a staff member

November: Kiss your friend’s girlfriend at school

December: Deck the halls and show your *****

January: Jab a breast

February: Mess up school signs



I want to be clear, these are not fun, harmless challenges. These are crimes with very serious consequences. Students who commit these acts face disciplinary action under the Student Rights and Responsibilities, and possible criminal charges.

Please continue to talk with your children about the serious nature of these acts and the consequences they will face if they participate.

I believe that by working together, we can make sure students and staff are learning and working together in a safe environment. Thank you for your support.
​​​​​​​

Sincerely,

Scott Brabrand
Superintendent”


Some of us actually read the emails the school sends out.

[Anonymous]

In 8th grade, my dd was grabbed several different times by the same boy, always during dismissal when the hallway was jam packed. He’d call her by name (she didn’t know his; she said she didn’t have any classes with him). He’d grab her from behind and try to turn her around. He got close to her breasts but never actually made contact. He’d make a suggestive comment. She told a teacher, who told administrators. The principal called me and let me know that they took this very seriously, believed my dd, and were reviewing surveillance video. Unfortunately, they couldn’t make out anything. It was too hard to pinpoint dd, specifically, in the packed hallway. Together, we made a plan that if the boy touched dd again, she was to wave her arm so it would be easier to pinpoint her on camera. The principal also stationed herself in that hallway at dismissal, watching. This was near the end of the school year and the boy didn’t approach dd again. My dd also has anxiety and depression (and ASD and ADHD), and this did a number on her psychologically. She’s an easy target for bullies because she’s odd and physically small.

I think you should tell the school because this is a safety issue. Talk to your dd about the fact that it might be empowering for her to take action.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. This is sexual assault. Not only do you tell the school, you tell the police.

TikTok encourages this; it is no big deal to kids.

Parents don't have to play by TikTok rules.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. This is sexual assault. Not only do you tell the school, you tell the police.

TikTok encourages this; it is no big deal to kids.

Parents don't have to play by TikTok rules.

You are the “mean parent” and your kid is the weird oddball if you don’t let them have a phone with TikTok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. This is sexual assault. Not only do you tell the school, you tell the police.

+1

Protect your kid. The school doesn't care.

The bolded x100000000000000000000000000000000.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:WTF. This is sexual assault. Not only do you tell the school, you tell the police.

TikTok encourages this; it is no big deal to kids.

Parents don't have to play by TikTok rules.

You are the “mean parent” and your kid is the weird oddball if you don’t let them have a phone with TikTok.

We prefer the term "coastal elites" and our high class children are friends with each other and like their parents. Your kids can enjoy playing in the mud and thinking what they want of ours. Ours are too busy to notice.

[Anonymous]

The “devious licks” thing is old, I remember getting the same thing a few years ago and some idiot kid actually vandalized a schoo bathroom and “blamed it on TikTok”.
I don’t let my kids go in tiktok.
Op, please speak with the school immediately and advocate for your child. Simply because she is shy and doesn’t want a fuss made doesn’t mean she needs to sit back and take abuse and assault. And this is assault. Please get her help!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF. This is sexual assault. Not only do you tell the school, you tell the police.

This is it. I’m sorry, but she doesn’t get to choose not to tell the school. You’re the grown up, you tell the school and file a police report.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The next time somebody assaults her (and there will be a next time), she needs to grab hold of them, hang on until she is dragged off, and in the meantime do everything she possibly can to visibly and painfully injure the attacker, all the while screaming “stop molesting me” at the top of her lungs. Practice gently at home. Get the therapist involved. She is exuding “victim” signals. That needs to change. And training to defend herself will help her depression too. Look up DC IMPACT, which offers self defense classes for women that include the opportunity to pound the hell out of a padded attacker.

You need to raise holy hell with the school. “Groped” doesn’t need a specific definition that will embarrass her further. It is specific enough in its common meaning. And I agree on a police report. And if you have the resources you should file for a stay away order and bring a civil action against the assailant.

Who knows how many other young women that budding psychopath has already victimized or how much more aggravated their misconduct will become if they are not firmly pulled up right now.

NP: I hear you and agree on the sentiment of what you're saying, but did you read OP's post carefully? You are asking the impossible of an anxious girl as OP describes her DD. Like literally you are being wildly unrealistic about what her DD is likely capable of now. There's a lot of work with her between today and her in a state of mind and ability to do what you're saying. She'd probably stop going to school completely before she'd do what you're saying here.

OP has to find a way to act and keep her child going to school.