12 yo daughter groped at school...at least twice

[Anonymous]

Two weeks ago my daughter was distraught when she got home from school. She finally shared that a boy groped her. She said she told a teacher and it wouldn't happen again. But....

She was very distraught. She has problems with depression and seems significantly worse since this incident. She refused to go to school for two days. She is adamantly opposed to me letting the school know.

But from looking at her text messages, it happened again right before Thanksgiving break.

I'm struggling to know what to do. I don't want to break her trust (because I'm worried she won't share with me in the future), but this is a bigger thing.

She also very private and anxious. And not currently seeing a therapist (I'm trying to change this...)

Any advice is appreciated. I suggested telling her i could have the the school therapist talk to her because it's affecting her (and then it would hopefully get investigated), but she said she wouldn't talk or go to school.

I could push that route, but I'm not sure if it would close her off even more.

[Anonymous]

WTF. This is sexual assault. Not only do you tell the school, you tell the police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:WTF. This is sexual assault. Not only do you tell the school, you tell the police.

+1

Protect your kid. The school doesn't care.

[Anonymous]

Even if she’s mad at you you need to teach her to stand up to predators and that it’s worth it to do so.

[Anonymous]

I’m so sorry for your daughter. You have to call the police and the school is also required to. Save the text messages.

[Anonymous]

Define “grope”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Define “grope”.

Of course I know what it means in general. I’m just wondering in this context was she fondled , her breast cupped, was she slapped on the butt, brushed against, etc.

[Anonymous]

If she told a teacher, the school already knows

Same kid doing the groping? Peace order

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she told a teacher, the school already knows

Same kid doing the groping? Peace order

The teacher knows. That doesn’t mean it was shared any wider

[Anonymous]

I agree with the PP who said "Define grope" for us who you're asking advice of. Also was it the same kid who did it the 2nd time?

For starters, any info she hasn't shared yet she needs to share with you. So if you don't know details of the "groping", tell her you are worried it will continue if she doesn't tell you more. Maybe also explain to her that her trust in you is so important to you... AND you have a job as her parent to protect her. That you have to be able to do that or you're worried she'll feel worse and worse. See how that goes.

I also wonder if whoever groped her told her that if she tells on them, they'll do it more and tell the whole school or tell everyone lies about her. If she's anxious and quiet already, abusers (both child and adult abusers) are often good at sniffing out who will not fight back or stand up for themselves. So maybe also tell her that even if whoever did it threatened her, they are relying on her silence to keep doing it to her and others. That the only way to interrupt it is to address it, even though that also can be stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP who said "Define grope" for us who you're asking advice of. Also was it the same kid who did it the 2nd time?

For starters, any info she hasn't shared yet she needs to share with you. So if you don't know details of the "groping", tell her you are worried it will continue if she doesn't tell you more. Maybe also explain to her that her trust in you is so important to you... AND you have a job as her parent to protect her. That you have to be able to do that or you're worried she'll feel worse and worse. See how that goes.

I also wonder if whoever groped her told her that if she tells on them, they'll do it more and tell the whole school or tell everyone lies about her. If she's anxious and quiet already, abusers (both child and adult abusers) are often good at sniffing out who will not fight back or stand up for themselves. So maybe also tell her that even if whoever did it threatened her, they are relying on her silence to keep doing it to her and others. That the only way to interrupt it is to address it, even though that also can be stressful.

I'm same PP, if she does tell you more or you are ready to reach out to school, if you can, go to the school to talk to the teacher and ask both what was said and also what the school's protocol is for such behaviors. The teacher likely can't or won't tell you which kid it was or what specific follow up happened because they're not supposed to talk about other kids (sometimes they do anyway though). But asking what the protocol is is important, because that's how you know what follow up is supposed to happen and also ask what would happen in their protocol if she's groped again. AND... also ask a Dean or Vice Principal or Behavior Dean (whoever handles kids breaking the rules overall) what the protocols are. Get a 2nd answer because sometimes if the teacher hasn't followed up, they don't tell you all the facts about what they were *supposed* to do because they didn't do it. So get the info from someone else as well.

If you can't go to the school in person, call the school, ask for the emails of her teacher and whoever handles behavior, and email them these questions. But I do understand you wanting to try to get your daughter to a point where you have her "consent" to reach out, but you really may have to anyway.

How is it going finding her a therapist? When is the last time she had one and what if anything was she diagnosed with? Just asking because it might also help us with ideas for you about how to get her to understand and accept you talking to the school.

[Anonymous]

You have to tell the police. They can at the very least scare the sh!t out of the boy and his family. They will do an investigation and if nobody else saw it, they can't really do anything (he said/she said case) but it will at least show you won't put up with this crap.

[Anonymous]

The next time somebody assaults her (and there will be a next time), she needs to grab hold of them, hang on until she is dragged off, and in the meantime do everything she possibly can to visibly and painfully injure the attacker, all the while screaming “stop molesting me” at the top of her lungs. Practice gently at home. Get the therapist involved. She is exuding “victim” signals. That needs to change. And training to defend herself will help her depression too. Look up DC IMPACT, which offers self defense classes for women that include the opportunity to pound the hell out of a padded attacker.

You need to raise holy hell with the school. “Groped” doesn’t need a specific definition that will embarrass her further. It is specific enough in its common meaning. And I agree on a police report. And if you have the resources you should file for a stay away order and bring a civil action against the assailant.

Who knows how many other young women that budding psychopath has already victimized or how much more aggravated their misconduct will become if they are not firmly pulled up right now.

[Anonymous]

You should put your daughter in a juijitsu class or some self defense class.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree with the PP who said "Define grope" for us who you're asking advice of. Also was it the same kid who did it the 2nd time?

For starters, any info she hasn't shared yet she needs to share with you. So if you don't know details of the "groping", tell her you are worried it will continue if she doesn't tell you more. Maybe also explain to her that her trust in you is so important to you... AND you have a job as her parent to protect her. That you have to be able to do that or you're worried she'll feel worse and worse. See how that goes.

I also wonder if whoever groped her told her that if she tells on them, they'll do it more and tell the whole school or tell everyone lies about her. If she's anxious and quiet already, abusers (both child and adult abusers) are often good at sniffing out who will not fight back or stand up for themselves. So maybe also tell her that even if whoever did it threatened her, they are relying on her silence to keep doing it to her and others. That the only way to interrupt it is to address it, even though that also can be stressful.

I'm same PP, if she does tell you more or you are ready to reach out to school, if you can, go to the school to talk to the teacher and ask both what was said and also what the school's protocol is for such behaviors. The teacher likely can't or won't tell you which kid it was or what specific follow up happened because they're not supposed to talk about other kids (sometimes they do anyway though). But asking what the protocol is is important, because that's how you know what follow up is supposed to happen and also ask what would happen in their protocol if she's groped again. AND... also ask a Dean or Vice Principal or Behavior Dean (whoever handles kids breaking the rules overall) what the protocols are. Get a 2nd answer because sometimes if the teacher hasn't followed up, they don't tell you all the facts about what they were *supposed* to do because they didn't do it. So get the info from someone else as well.

If you can't go to the school in person, call the school, ask for the emails of her teacher and whoever handles behavior, and email them these questions. But I do understand you wanting to try to get your daughter to a point where you have her "consent" to reach out, but you really may have to anyway.

How is it going finding her a therapist? When is the last time she had one and what if anything was she diagnosed with? Just asking because it might also help us with ideas for you about how to get her to understand and accept you talking to the school.

The school’s “protocol” is obviously to do nothing, lest it be accused of mistreating the assailant. I’d be surprised if the teacher isn’t a mandated reporter. You need to be the one defining the “protocol” here. You need to be such a problem they’ll do anything to placate you.