Kids are being rude to BF
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
Don’t be obtuse. When you have teenaged kids the timeline changes, duh!!! |
Anonymous
Well you, you, you. What you want, what you want. What about what *they* want, and what's best for them? I'm shocked that you're "shocked"-- they're traumatized because their father has abandoned them, and now you're trying to force this man into their home and their lives. Can't you give them some privacy? Therapy is not a vending machine where you put time and money in at the top and a teenager who likes your boyfriend comes out the bottom. Nine months is nowhere near enough to act like you're getting married. You are acting like a foolish teenager, and it's you who is selfish, not them. They're acting cold because they know it's too soon and that you're acting like a foolish schoolgirl. They want to slow things down and you should want that too. |
Anonymous
|
They may feel loyal to their father or weird about being forced to confront your sexuality when they are developing your own.
Either way. I can see it feeling weird if he acts like he lives in “their” house. It may trigger feelings that he will be in their .”family” from now on, and they had no say. Good you have them in therapy. Can you get a read from that person regarding how to handle? They are almost out if your house. Prioritize them for a little longer. They will always be your children. The jury is still out whether he will be in the picture in two years. |
Anonymous
|
OP, I can tell by how you're writing that you haven't really thought this through. You "see a future with him", well that's all happiness and roses isn't it? What about the specifics here? Does your "future with him" involve making your daughters move in with him and his kids? Changing schools? Not being eligible for college financial aid? Surely you can understand why this is unappealing to them. Try really, really hard to think for like 30 seconds about what a "future with him" actually means for their day-to-day lives.
You are harming your relationship with your children, potentially forever, because you can't open your eyes to these very real issues. They probably feel like you're trying to fix your own life by swapping in Mr. New Husband, but it isn't a fresh start for them and it never will be. |
Anonymous
|
If he has such a good job, is he going to pay for their college tuition? Because if you marry him, his income will count and they won't get as much aid.
Are you planning to ditch them on the holidays or force them to spend time with their step-extended-family (aka strangers they DGAF about)? Yay, you're so in love, why can't they see that this is all sunshine and rainbows! Seriously think for two seconds. |
Anonymous
Why? |
Anonymous
|
If he's a family man with kids of his own, how does he have three nights a week to hang around your house? Shouldn't he be parenting his own kids?
If he doesn't have 50/50, ask why, and what does that say about him? I think probably your girls are skeptical of your ability to choose men. |
Anonymous
Not PP but will answer the obvious. It changes because they are your priority and they leave in few years so why complicate things when you can make it easy for yourself, them and new person. |
Anonymous
This. Wait 3-4 years until the youngest graduates from high school. In the meantime have your boyfriend take you out to movies, dinner, dancing, his place a couple of times a week. I would not like it if Mom had some guy around the house 3 nights a week and I was a teenager. |
Anonymous
| Have you dated other men post divorce? Generally it is recommended that you date a lot of men casually before you go full strength into a relationship. |
Anonymous
|
You and your girls have been in your own little family bubble and now a new person is being introduced and they resent it. Part of it is as simple as that and the rest of it is probably a lot more complicated and has to do with their ages, their father, how they feel emotionally about their mother attaching to a new man, etc.
It's natural for your boyfriend to feel hurt, but he's gotta be the adult here and take on the burden of making them comfortable if the relationship is to go long term. |
Anonymous
|
Can your boyfriend not afford to take you out of the house on dates? Why is he hanging at your house 3 nights a week if he has his own children? Does he not have to parent his children?
You need to get out of the house with your boyfriend even if it is to a budget restaurant one night, movie another, his place the third. My best friend's parents divorced at the same ages of your kids. My best friend and her sisters hated the Mom's new guy. He seemed pretty harmless to me but pretty much was very dorky. The Mom and new boyfriend played bridge around 3 nights a week at Mom's house and also had dinner 3 nights a week at Mom's house. The kids hated the boyfriend and hated him intruding on their home and their space and really hated having him around. |
Anonymous
|
Your kids need to be polite to your boyfriend when he is around, as they need to be to all adults.
But they are old enough to stay home alone while you go out on dates or go over to your boyfriend's house. Maybe try to cut him hanging out at your house to one night a week for now. Also, maybe tell them you won't live together full time until the youngest graduates from high school, if you think you can keep that promise. |
Anonymous
| Let him back away. When one of your girls asks about him tell her it’s because you have been rude and insulting and you should never treat anyone like that. Tell her that you really like the guy and that you are going to continue to see him. 14 and 16 year old girls can be pains in the butt even in a happy family as mine were but they grew out of it. |
Anonymous
That advice (move on after a year) applies to young women who want children. OP has other responsibilities of her own making that are far more important. |