Kids are being rude to BF

[Anonymous]

Ugh this situation has gross written all over it. OP, you are setting up a terrible dynamic and besides maybe the odd restaurant dinner, this guy doesn't sound like someone who should be around your kids at all. You are not seeing clearly. You need to grow up, you sound lovesick.

You need a healthy therapist who calls you on your crap. Your girls should not be the pivot point of your relationship, your brain should. Your brain appears offline. Why would you do this to them? Stop playing house in their home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he's a family man with kids of his own, how does he have three nights a week to hang around your house? Shouldn't he be parenting his own kids?

If he doesn't have 50/50, ask why, and what does that say about him?

I think probably your girls are skeptical of your ability to choose men.

Maybe he already has a complete family...

[Anonymous]

Put your kids ahead of yourself, OP. Seriously. They are teenagers. You can bring men over all you want in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Did not read all the responses, but absolutely yes it sounds like you introduced too soon and too fast. 9 months and he's already practically moved in? You say they still havent adjusted to the divorce, so they are getting used to not having dad around, and now have another man barging into their safe space.

Is this something you can bring up in therapy? Like a family therapy session to work with them? Maybe you can ask what they'd be ok with. Like 1 night a week he comes over, 1 night a week you go over to his or go on a date night? 3 nights sounds like far too much, and the girls probably just want to be girls and relax in their sweats and not have to worry about moms bf.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and your girls have been in your own little family bubble and now a new person is being introduced and they resent it. Part of it is as simple as that and the rest of it is probably a lot more complicated and has to do with their ages, their father, how they feel emotionally about their mother attaching to a new man, etc.

It's natural for your boyfriend to feel hurt, but he's gotta be the adult here and take on the burden of making them comfortable if the relationship is to go long term.

This is the only reasonable response here.

PPs telling OP to never date or have sex are unreasonable.

It will take time. Respect the teens and focus on manners. They don't have to like him but he shouldn't take it personally.

[Anonymous]

You can force them to do therapy all you want, but it won't change anything. There's no therapy on earth that can make a teen girl happy with this situation. Come on, OP. Would you want a man around 3 nights a week because he's sleeping with your mother? I doubt it.

The kids know this is a one-way ratchet. If they start pretending they like your boyfriend, then you'll be wanting 4 nights a week. You'll be wanting them to spend time with his children and his parents, and pretend that they're happy about that too. Eventually you'll be forcing them to move into his home, maybe selling your home out from under them. If they give an inch here, you'll take a mile. So it's very sensible for a teenager to nope right out.

This kind of hassle and pressure is why adult children of divorce become distant if not estranged from their families FYI.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been divorced for 2 1/2 years now. I have full custody of my two teenage (14, 16) girls. Dad is a deadbeat and only sees them a few times a year. Dating has been a challenge. I finally met someone that I’m head over heels in love with and my kids are being kind of rude. They barely acknowledge him. We’ve been dating for 9 months now and I see a future with him. Given how serious we are and the fact that I get no break, he comes over a few times a week and helps me with my house, eats dinner, etc. Come to find out, my kids feel uncomfortable (not in a creepy way) with him around so much. I was somewhat shocked to find this out. He is such a good person, he’s very normal, he’s a family man, has kids of his own, a great job, lots of friends and hobbies. This has definitely complicated our relationship. He volunteered to step back from coming over, but I think he was honestly a little hurt. I have my kids in therapy bc there is some obvious unresolved feelings around my divorce that hasn’t been processed. Any thoughts on what might be going on here? Did I introduce him too soon to my kids and they weren’t ready for it? I feel like I’ve done my work and waited til I felt strongly about someone before introducing him to my kids. I know they are teenagers and by default somewhat selfish, but I haven’t been this happy with someone in a long time.

Haven't you see the "Lost Boys"?

Your daughters know he's a vampire.

[Anonymous]

My mom dated a guy a few years after splitting from my dad, four kids and three of us were teens and the fourth was elementary age. We all liked him a lot and were always happy to see him. He did not, however, ever sleep over or just hang out at our house, he came for dinner or we all went out somewhere, and my mom never stayed over at his house either. He also had three teens.

I'd say my mom was way more discreet than you are being and did not want to inflict her BF on us to any great extent, which worked out very well. They eventually broke up because although he wanted to marry her she did not want to take on mothering three more teens even for a few years. His kids liked her a lot too but the idea of six teens blew her mind.

I'd say back off on this relationship, just go on dates and have him for dinner at your house occasionally. Give your kids a chance to like him in small doses before he becomes a fixture. Not over a period of months, over several years. You can have your intimate rendezvous somewhere else in such a way that it doesn't affect them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Have you dated other men post divorce? Generally it is recommended that you date a lot of men casually before you go full strength into a relationship.

The girls didn’t like those guys either. 😃

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. I don’t entirely agree with previous advice. Kids should not get veto power over their parents dating lives. Also they should be polite to all people. I’d address their manners calmly. Give the “you don’t have to like him but you have to be civil and polite to him as you should to any other adult.” If his instinct is to be around them less for now I’d let him follow his gut on that. But your kids aren’t entitled to be rude to him. They need to have good manners

Nothing will make them hate the guy more than a scoldy lecture like this.

[Anonymous]

I lived this scenario. I wanted my mom to be happy so I welcomed her BF. It wasn’t that hard to do. Her kids are being brats.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Meh. I don’t entirely agree with previous advice. Kids should not get veto power over their parents dating lives. Also they should be polite to all people. I’d address their manners calmly. Give the “you don’t have to like him but you have to be civil and polite to him as you should to any other adult.” If his instinct is to be around them less for now I’d let him follow his gut on that. But your kids aren’t entitled to be rude to him. They need to have good manners

But he's not "any other adult". In fact, it would be bizarre and inappropriate if any other adult was coming over 3 nights a week, and they would likely give that person the cold shoulder too. He's the person who is having sex with their mother and the person she is hoping will become their stepfather. It's a totally different situation than "any other adult". So stop trying to play the manners card. These kids' boundaries are being trampled and they are trying to stand up for themselves and their own interests.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are so close to having them out of the house most of the time in college. I'd have your BF step back until they graduate. +1 to spending time together when the kids are in school or doing date night. My teens barely want to hang out with me. You can spend time with him on dates/on weekends, etc. Once they are adults, I think it is fine to do what you want.

Totally agree. In the blink of an eye they'll be off to college and then you can do whatever you want with boyfriend. Now is the time to prioritize the kind of home life they want. Just have boyfriend step back, and do date nights or hang out with him while kids are in school. This isn't hard.

Also, nine months is not very long, it's not like you've been together years. I would be uncomfortable with a stranger hanging around my house too, I just wouldn't like it.

You have a right to be happy and to have a romantic life, but you need to balance it with your daughters preferences.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’ve been divorced for 2 1/2 years now. I have full custody of my two teenage (14, 16) girls. Dad is a deadbeat and only sees them a few times a year. Dating has been a challenge. I finally met someone that I’m head over heels in love with and my kids are being kind of rude. They barely acknowledge him. We’ve been dating for 9 months now and I see a future with him. Given how serious we are and the fact that I get no break, he comes over a few times a week and helps me with my house, eats dinner, etc. Come to find out, my kids feel uncomfortable (not in a creepy way) with him around so much. I was somewhat shocked to find this out. He is such a good person, he’s very normal, he’s a family man, has kids of his own, a great job, lots of friends and hobbies. This has definitely complicated our relationship. He volunteered to step back from coming over, but I think he was honestly a little hurt. I have my kids in therapy bc there is some obvious unresolved feelings around my divorce that hasn’t been processed. Any thoughts on what might be going on here? Did I introduce him too soon to my kids and they weren’t ready for it? I feel like I’ve done my work and waited til I felt strongly about someone before introducing him to my kids. I know they are teenagers and by default somewhat selfish, but I haven’t been this happy with someone in a long time.

Well you, you, you. What you want, what you want. What about what *they* want, and what's best for them? I'm shocked that you're "shocked"-- they're traumatized because their father has abandoned them, and now you're trying to force this man into their home and their lives. Can't you give them some privacy?

Therapy is not a vending machine where you put time and money in at the top and a teenager who likes your boyfriend comes out the bottom.

Nine months is nowhere near enough to act like you're getting married. You are acting like a foolish teenager, and it's you who is selfish, not them. They're acting cold because they know it's too soon and that you're acting like a foolish schoolgirl. They want to slow things down and you should want that too.

You're being really judgmental. I doubt you have any idea what it's like to be a single parent, having gone through a divorce, and who is in need of human connection and support. There's nothing wrong with her finding and loving someone. In fact all evidence points to this being very good for women's emotional and physical health, which in turn affects parenting. Having a boyfriend is generally very good for your mental health! And a happy mom makes a better mother. Should she just be a sexless shrew who doesn't think about herself?

This isn't to say that the boyfriend needs to move in. But your post shows a lack of understanding, and a ton of judgment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, you introduced them too soon. And stop the whole “I get no breaks “ crap. Your kids are old enough to babysit- you can absolutely go out on date nights with the boyfriend. Why not teach your daughters how to be a confident and competent woman, who doesn’t need “help with the house”.

This response is perfection.