Kids are being rude to BF
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Anonymous
| I’ve been divorced for 2 1/2 years now. I have full custody of my two teenage (14, 16) girls. Dad is a deadbeat and only sees them a few times a year. Dating has been a challenge. I finally met someone that I’m head over heels in love with and my kids are being kind of rude. They barely acknowledge him. We’ve been dating for 9 months now and I see a future with him. Given how serious we are and the fact that I get no break, he comes over a few times a week and helps me with my house, eats dinner, etc. Come to find out, my kids feel uncomfortable (not in a creepy way) with him around so much. I was somewhat shocked to find this out. He is such a good person, he’s very normal, he’s a family man, has kids of his own, a great job, lots of friends and hobbies. This has definitely complicated our relationship. He volunteered to step back from coming over, but I think he was honestly a little hurt. I have my kids in therapy bc there is some obvious unresolved feelings around my divorce that hasn’t been processed. Any thoughts on what might be going on here? Did I introduce him too soon to my kids and they weren’t ready for it? I feel like I’ve done my work and waited til I felt strongly about someone before introducing him to my kids. I know they are teenagers and by default somewhat selfish, but I haven’t been this happy with someone in a long time. |
Anonymous
| I'm sorry. Divorce is really hard on kids. There is nothing you've done wrong, and nothing they are doing wrong. It's a fraught situation and not likely to improve quickly. If everything goes well, perhaps in time they will come to like him and feel comfortable around him, but it's not a given. It's probably best if he's not around when they are home for now, I agree. They will resent you more and it might impact your relationship with them. Hopefully you can see him when they are occupied and as the years pass, they may at least grow to be pleasant to him. As much as you are "head over heels" for this guy, your kids aren't and you can't expect them to be. |
Anonymous
| I think he’s doing the right thing stepping back. Your kids don’t have to like your boyfriend. As long as they are polite, I don’t see a problem. Pushing him on them is just going to create resentment. |
Anonymous
|
Step back a little and go slower with having him over at your place. Unfortunately, you cannot make them like him because you do. As long as they are reasonably polite (Hello, thank you etc), you cannot force anything more.
I think you acknowledge their feelings and try to work with them and around them. In your shoes, I would tell my kids that they are my number 1 priority, and I will make adjustments so they are comfortable in their home. Have an honest discussion with them and show them empathy. Put yourself in their shoes. When you were 16, would you have been comfortable with male non-relative in your house often? I wouldn't have. It would have limited my conversations and movement in the house and confined me to my bedroom. Even as an adult, I dislike having contractors/handy men/cleaning people at my house for more than a few hours. I mean, there are people here who get upset if their invited guests show up a few hours earlier than planned. Can you spend more time with him during the day when they are at school? (e.g. lunch breaks from work). Additionally, there must be lots of time when they are out hanging out with their own friends and you can adjust your own schedule to spend time with your boyfriend during those times. And you can carve out an evening schedule dedicated to spend time with them and then meet up with your boyfriend some evenings for a few hours on your own time. |
Anonymous
| Meh. I don’t entirely agree with previous advice. Kids should not get veto power over their parents dating lives. Also they should be polite to all people. I’d address their manners calmly. Give the “you don’t have to like him but you have to be civil and polite to him as you should to any other adult.” If his instinct is to be around them less for now I’d let him follow his gut on that. But your kids aren’t entitled to be rude to him. They need to have good manners |
Anonymous
Sure. If you want to damage your relationship with your kids, go for it. |
Anonymous
It’s good and healthy that your teenaged daughters (!) feel uncomfortable with an unrelated adult man in their home. “Creepy way” or not, it’s just not appropriate. You should honor their instincts and 100% stop hosting at your home while they are there. |
Anonymous
| What is this "unrelated adult male" business? Is this the new DCUM standard that all non related opposite sex people can not be in the house? He's important to their mom, they should be able to handle having a person that's not related in their house. Tell them to toughin up buttercup. |
Anonymous
+1000000 Me and my sister felt this way when we were kids, couldn't put our finger on why we didn't feel comfortable around him. She married him behind our back, had him move it. Turns out he was in fact a child molester and my mom did nothing about it. We were right to feel uncomfortable around him. You should be listening to your daughters and putting them first here. They might be on to something so do NOT discredit them. This situation will impact your relationship with them for the rest of their lives. Know that. |
Anonymous
| I cannot even imagine being a teenager and having some non family member over to my house three nights a week eating dinner, taking out the trash, etc. |
Anonymous
| Yes, you introduced them too soon. And stop the whole “I get no breaks “ crap. Your kids are old enough to babysit- you can absolutely go out on date nights with the boyfriend. Why not teach your daughters how to be a confident and competent woman, who doesn’t need “help with the house”. |
Anonymous
You think they should suck this up three of more days a week?? Where they have some substitute daddy running around acting like he is man of the house??? |
Anonymous
| My husband did not start hanging out with my kid until we had agreed were were getting engaged / married. Isn't fair to the kids otherwise. |
Anonymous
It is a statistical fact that children are far and away the most likely to be abused when there is a non-related male in the household. Of course, maybe OPs boyfriend is not an abuser. Maybe the kids are making it up that he seems creepy. Or maybe he is a predator. There is no way to know from what the OP has written. |
Anonymous
Nobody said the BF seems creepy. Quite the opposite. Basic reading comprehension, PP |