Moms of boys - what type of relationship do you want with them as adults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I agree with this. Whether you have a close relationship really depends on two things a. How well you transition from parent child to parent adult child relationship and b logistics. Older people , or maybe it’s just a boomer thing, tend to be rigid in their wants, and resort to manipulation, guilt, money and toxic ways to force obligation. They’ll blame the DIL, throw fits and completely miss doing what is simple to have a good relationship. The term family values is code for Im old and entitled and are obligated to appease me. A healthy parent adult child relationship isn’t based on entitlement or guilt or rage or obligation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I agree with this. Whether you have a close relationship really depends on two things a. How well you transition from parent child to parent adult child relationship and b logistics. Older people , or maybe it’s just a boomer thing, tend to be rigid in their wants, and resort to manipulation, guilt, money and toxic ways to force obligation. They’ll blame the DIL, throw fits and completely miss doing what is simple to have a good relationship. The term family values is code for Im old and entitled and are obligated to appease me. A healthy parent adult child relationship isn’t based on entitlement or guilt or rage or obligation.

It’s neither. You are making blanket characterizations based off apparently just the people you know. The older people in my life are nothing like this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how anyone can talk or text anyone everyday.

Everyone is different. I FaceTime or text everyday with my sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I disagree. It’s actually very common for the wife’s side to win out over the husband’s, especially when the wife sows discontent with the husband’s parents. Women are very competitive that way.

I agree with this solely based on it's just easier for a DIL to deal with her own parents than it is to deal with ILs, even if they are great ILs

I don’t like my ILs very much, but we see them as much as we see my parents. *DH is a responsible adult* who plans their visits and manages them. Here again you are essentially blaming a DIL and expecting her to carry all the responsibility of seeing BOTH sets of parents. When one set of parents sees the family more than the other, there’s a husband who doesn’t care much behind the dynamic, equally responsible, even if the DIL doesn’t like the ILs much.

[Anonymous]

My MIL is a very involved grandmother. She moved closer to be by us. Since she is very involved, she also voices her opinion but I usually just ignore it. My kids love her so much and I hope my son sees how much his father's mother was involved and wants the same for his kids.

I am pretty close to my MIL but sometimes there is some tension with different views. She is in her early 70s and can lay on the guilt, but I don't usually fall for it. An example is if I don't accept all the shit that has emotional value for her. I have learned a lot from her, the good and the bad. I hope that my shortcomings can be forgiven as I do with her, but I hope to be an amazing grandma and support like she is for us. She is always there when we need her.

[Anonymous]

I hope my sons, or at least one of them, live in the same city as me and that we stay loving and close.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I agree with this. Whether you have a close relationship really depends on two things a. How well you transition from parent child to parent adult child relationship and b logistics. Older people , or maybe it’s just a boomer thing, tend to be rigid in their wants, and resort to manipulation, guilt, money and toxic ways to force obligation. They’ll blame the DIL, throw fits and completely miss doing what is simple to have a good relationship. The term family values is code for Im old and entitled and are obligated to appease me. A healthy parent adult child relationship isn’t based on entitlement or guilt or rage or obligation.

]

+1. I could have written this about my MIL

[Anonymous]

Not sure. I hope I can see them on special events, watch grandkids for him, etc.

After seeing Dh and his own parents, I have a low bar. His parents are great and so is Dh, he just doesn’t want to be super close or visit. I am closest to my daughters and wish my son was closer to Dh.

[Anonymous]

Nice plan I suppose but completely narcissisticly unrealistic. Your son isn't your daughter. You have nothing in common except he came out of your body of course. You just want to control dominate and monitor him. You don't really want to have hear to heart.chats with him. If you were both being honest they might go something like this:

"Hi Mom what have you been up to?"
"Oh not too.much I had to get a refill for my prescription for hemorrhoid cream. How about you?"
"Well I was horny and sick of whacking off to granny porn so I went on Tinder. My listing said I was looking for a cougar to satisfy my mommy-son incest fantasy fetish and wouldn't you know it I scored big time. This older woman picked me up we went back to her place for wasted on tequila and she let me bang her in all three holes. And the best part was she looked just like you Mom!"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I worry about this also
I hope he still is available to help me and will let me spend time with his kids without a gazillion restrictions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I disagree. It’s actually very common for the wife’s side to win out over the husband’s, especially when the wife sows discontent with the husband’s parents. Women are very competitive that way.

Yes, and much more cunning if I may. I am observing it with my SIL. She made sure my brother’s plate is full all the time, his money is all tied up in their (her) little projects, etc. He didn’t have a lot of money or time for our parents though I could see he wanted to. Yes they are difficult people but I could clearly see how she made sure his focus is always on their nuclear family and how he was clueless about it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I disagree. It’s actually very common for the wife’s side to win out over the husband’s, especially when the wife sows discontent with the husband’s parents. Women are very competitive that way.

or - maybe - the wife is behind the husband asking him to pick up the responsibility of planning with his parents and when that doesn’t happen, the wife gets blamed.

It’s one of the favorite tricks of all women of all times! Heck I’ve used it myself when I wanted to get out of dealing with my in laws

[Anonymous]

I hope he will be available to help me out, listen to my advice, let me stay at his house if we don’t live close by, and let me spend time with my grandkids (heck, I hope I even get grandkids or at least one)
I hope to provide a safe haven for him, with at least a bed, a nice meal, and a feeling of being catered to. If he needs help I hope to be there for him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I disagree. It’s actually very common for the wife’s side to win out over the husband’s, especially when the wife sows discontent with the husband’s parents. Women are very competitive that way.

I agree with this solely based on it's just easier for a DIL to deal with her own parents than it is to deal with ILs, even if they are great ILs

I don’t like my ILs very much, but we see them as much as we see my parents. *DH is a responsible adult* who plans their visits and manages them. Here again you are essentially blaming a DIL and expecting her to carry all the responsibility of seeing BOTH sets of parents. When one set of parents sees the family more than the other, there’s a husband who doesn’t care much behind the dynamic, equally responsible, even if the DIL doesn’t like the ILs much.

New poster here. It’s not a matter of “blaming“ but a matter of recognizing reality. Mine is just one anecdote, I know, but we have three married daughters and we absolutely have much stronger relationships with all three sons in laws than their parents have with our daughters. We also get together much more often with our daughters and sons-in-law and their kids much more frequently and have closer relationships with the grandchildren. And all three of our sons-in-law have nice parents and families. I feel bad for them for missing out, but they all seem fine with the way things are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My son is 32 and married with a child. I see so many moms of adult boys manipulate their relationship with sons in a way that is different from their daughters. Some moms can’t let their sons go. They are never satisfied with sons partner and don’t support or encourage their sons leaving them with a unsatisfied relationship with their mom. Sometimes there really is an issue with moms and sons.

can you help me understand why the bolded is any different than fathers who say she’ll always be Daddy’s girl?

Because boys/men are supposed to start their own family.