Moms of boys - what type of relationship do you want with them as adults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t understand how anyone can talk or text anyone everyday.

We have family group texts for both sides of the family sometimes they're more active than others. Text threads are usually things little cute updates about the kids or pictures or little updates about their day. We have a little spin-off thread for bragging about how we're doing on nyt connections. Fitbit really sucks now but they used to let you do all these fun competitions so we'd see who was walking the most. I don't know maybe that's not the vibe you want to have with your family but it's the one we have with mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

This is true in our family

[Anonymous]

I only have girls but can I just say that I really love seeing moms who want to nurture real relationships with their adult sons. My MIL only had boys and it's like she decided when they were babies that they couldn't have close relationships because they weren't girls. I think it's really sad and has deprived everyone involved of really valuable relationships. You usually only get two parental relationships (some people less than that), and deciding it can't be close or meaningful because you are opposite gender is so weird. My DH is very close to our girls and no one thinks that's strange or surprising -- I really hope more moms of boys are like OP and others of you and nurture those relationships.

Obviously boundaries are important with any parent-child relationship, that's a given and true for any gender. But boundaries doesn't mean "distant, barely speak." It just means having limits and respecting them.

Anyway, I'll show myself out, just wanted to applaud and encourage OP and others who view this as possible. It is!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cherish my relationship with my 30-year-old son. He's single, and he lives in the Midwest for work. We have a standing Sunday call that usually lasts ~45 minutes, and he flies back home at least 4 times a year. He visits us for every Christmas holiday, and he tries to schedule work trips in the area. My DH and I visit him a couple of times a year. He's extremely family-oriented and will fly home for a weekend for a family wedding or ill grandparent.

He's a very sweet, bright, kind, generous human being. <3

I’d wonder how any 30yo (male or female) is ever going to build their own family if their focus is on spending so many weekends a year with his parents. Maybe he’s not interested in his own family which is obviously fine too

Or else this is the son's pattern while still single. DH was always available to his parents for holidays, etc., when he was single and up until we became pretty serious. And although it was completely appropriate for DH to not be available to his parents in the same way, I was blamed for coming in and changing everything.

So pp, try to me more understanding when your son changes his plans someday.

+1000, this is happening now with my husband now that we have kids, and somehow I am the bad guy.

[Anonymous]

I like your list OP and would agree. We moved back home recently and it’s so nice living in the same town as my MIL. DH and his mom go out to lunch occasionally, we join each other for family dinners and rotate holidays with my parents. It’s been lovely and I would want the same with my sons. I enjoy my mother in law’s company and we have even done a vacation just the two of us, so it’s a warm relationship but not nearly as deep as the one with her son, and that’s normal I think. My father lived farther from his own mother as an adult, but they phoned regularly, and we went to grandma’s for occasional holidays when we could. I think both of us, my husband and me, have had good mother-son relationships modeled for us which is why our family relationships are so healthy and warm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:MIL recently passed away. DH talked to her weekly (at least), and would go to visit with the kids once in the summer for about a week, and then usually one other time during the year (usually sometime over the holidays). They drove each other crazy, but there was a lot of love there too.

For comparison, I talk to or text with my mom every day. I probably see her once a quarter.

I hope to have a healthy relationship with my own son, and I want him to have healthy relationships with others. I want him to feel supported, but not suffocated. And I don’t want his spouse to think I am too weird.

I hope your DH is doing ok with the loss of his mom.

[Anonymous]

I can only speak to my current relationship which I love my future relationship will depend on their location/distance/marital status.

They both live in cities a quick flight or a long drive away.

I visit both of them one time in the Fall (I stay in hotel), they visit for the holidays (they stay in their rooms). My one son plays a sport so I see him every weekend during his sport for about 12 weeks (we see him for about 5 hours after the game/eat dinner). My other son will fly to see his brother once or twice during the season.

We have a family chat where we talk a few times a week ... it's a lot right now due to football conversations.

My boys call me/I call them once a week. We text off the group chat once or twice a week.

I will see one son 2 x in the summer. The other son comes home for the summer. When he is home, we probably see each other/eat together a few times a week, his work schedule is odd.

I hope to do a big vacation either this Summer or Next perhaps in the future once every few years. Otherwise, we don't really vacation together since college.

[Anonymous]

I’ll start with remembering that two adults have equal say in how they want a relationship to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I disagree. It’s actually very common for the wife’s side to win out over the husband’s, especially when the wife sows discontent with the husband’s parents. Women are very competitive that way.

[Anonymous]

I am a mom to two wonderful and loving young men (still teenagers). I want them to be healthy, happy successful, and loved by deserving partners. I would also hope that they would love close to me so that I can see them very often. I hope to develop a loving motherly/daughterly relationship with their wives. I will be there in every way to help my son(s) and I hope they want to be close to both myself and my husband for as long as we all live.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I disagree. It’s actually very common for the wife’s side to win out over the husband’s, especially when the wife sows discontent with the husband’s parents. Women are very competitive that way.

or - maybe - the wife is behind the husband asking him to pick up the responsibility of planning with his parents and when that doesn’t happen, the wife gets blamed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

This is very much my family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can only speak to my current relationship which I love my future relationship will depend on their location/distance/marital status.

They both live in cities a quick flight or a long drive away.

I visit both of them one time in the Fall (I stay in hotel), they visit for the holidays (they stay in their rooms). My one son plays a sport so I see him every weekend during his sport for about 12 weeks (we see him for about 5 hours after the game/eat dinner). My other son will fly to see his brother once or twice during the season.

We have a family chat where we talk a few times a week ... it's a lot right now due to football conversations.

My boys call me/I call them once a week. We text off the group chat once or twice a week.

I will see one son 2 x in the summer. The other son comes home for the summer. When he is home, we probably see each other/eat together a few times a week, his work schedule is odd.

I hope to do a big vacation either this Summer or Next perhaps in the future once every few years. Otherwise, we don't really vacation together since college.

Have you ever asked your son if he’d prefer you come less often? Maybe he wants to hang out with teammates and friends after his games? Every week seems like a lot!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I disagree. It’s actually very common for the wife’s side to win out over the husband’s, especially when the wife sows discontent with the husband’s parents. Women are very competitive that way.

I agree with this solely based on it's just easier for a DIL to deal with her own parents than it is to deal with ILs, even if they are great ILs