Moms of boys - what type of relationship do you want with them as adults

[Anonymous]

There’s so much debate on this forum of what’s “normal” for an adult male and his mom and so much annoyance over dh/mil relationships. I’m just curious what you as a current mom of boys (kids) hope for someday with your son

I have 3 which I think in some ways help not put all my need for familial connection on one child

I hope we have regular text exchanges of news, memes, updates etc - not a daily “how was your day” exchange but also not a once a month phone call and that’s it

I hope they want to visit me once a year and welcome a couple short visits from me a year

I hope we do a couple multigen trips if they have grandkids

I’d love to share my hiking / outdoors hobby with one but don’t know I’ll be that lucky. A woman I know went on hiking trips with her two boys into her 70s - when they were single and when they were married (with their spouses also) who were all excited to get taken to the exotic places she wanted to hike (my husband has no interest in hiking - he’d be invited of course if he was interested).

I hope if they marry, I’m friendly with their spouses but am no way looking for a “daughter” or want to transfer my relationship with their fam over to her

All of this is similar to what I have with my mom minus the random girls weekends which for whatever reason do feel bizarre to me to do with a son

[Anonymous]

OP my dream relationship is just as you describe.

[Anonymous]

I cherish my relationship with my 30-year-old son. He's single, and he lives in the Midwest for work. We have a standing Sunday call that usually lasts ~45 minutes, and he flies back home at least 4 times a year. He visits us for every Christmas holiday, and he tries to schedule work trips in the area. My DH and I visit him a couple of times a year. He's extremely family-oriented and will fly home for a weekend for a family wedding or ill grandparent.

He's a very sweet, bright, kind, generous human being. <3

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I cherish my relationship with my 30-year-old son. He's single, and he lives in the Midwest for work. We have a standing Sunday call that usually lasts ~45 minutes, and he flies back home at least 4 times a year. He visits us for every Christmas holiday, and he tries to schedule work trips in the area. My DH and I visit him a couple of times a year. He's extremely family-oriented and will fly home for a weekend for a family wedding or ill grandparent.

He's a very sweet, bright, kind, generous human being. <3

I’d wonder how any 30yo (male or female) is ever going to build their own family if their focus is on spending so many weekends a year with his parents. Maybe he’s not interested in his own family which is obviously fine too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cherish my relationship with my 30-year-old son. He's single, and he lives in the Midwest for work. We have a standing Sunday call that usually lasts ~45 minutes, and he flies back home at least 4 times a year. He visits us for every Christmas holiday, and he tries to schedule work trips in the area. My DH and I visit him a couple of times a year. He's extremely family-oriented and will fly home for a weekend for a family wedding or ill grandparent.

He's a very sweet, bright, kind, generous human being. <3

I’d wonder how any 30yo (male or female) is ever going to build their own family if their focus is on spending so many weekends a year with his parents. Maybe he’s not interested in his own family which is obviously fine too

NP: what? It sounds like he spends maybe 6 weekends a year with his parents, and the rest of the time doesn’t see them at all (because he lives a plane ride away). This is fine for a single guy. Obviously things might change if he married and especially if he had kids.

[Anonymous]

I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I cherish my relationship with my 30-year-old son. He's single, and he lives in the Midwest for work. We have a standing Sunday call that usually lasts ~45 minutes, and he flies back home at least 4 times a year. He visits us for every Christmas holiday, and he tries to schedule work trips in the area. My DH and I visit him a couple of times a year. He's extremely family-oriented and will fly home for a weekend for a family wedding or ill grandparent.

He's a very sweet, bright, kind, generous human being. <3

I’d wonder how any 30yo (male or female) is ever going to build their own family if their focus is on spending so many weekends a year with his parents. Maybe he’s not interested in his own family which is obviously fine too

Or else this is the son's pattern while still single. DH was always available to his parents for holidays, etc., when he was single and up until we became pretty serious. And although it was completely appropriate for DH to not be available to his parents in the same way, I was blamed for coming in and changing everything.

So pp, try to me more understanding when your son changes his plans someday.

[Anonymous]

My son is 32 and married with a child. I see so many moms of adult boys manipulate their relationship with sons in a way that is different from their daughters. Some moms can’t let their sons go. They are never satisfied with sons partner and don’t support or encourage their sons leaving them with a unsatisfied relationship with their mom. Sometimes there really is an issue with moms and sons.

[Anonymous]

MIL recently passed away. DH talked to her weekly (at least), and would go to visit with the kids once in the summer for about a week, and then usually one other time during the year (usually sometime over the holidays). They drove each other crazy, but there was a lot of love there too.

For comparison, I talk to or text with my mom every day. I probably see her once a quarter.

I hope to have a healthy relationship with my own son, and I want him to have healthy relationships with others. I want him to feel supported, but not suffocated. And I don’t want his spouse to think I am too weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My son is 32 and married with a child. I see so many moms of adult boys manipulate their relationship with sons in a way that is different from their daughters. Some moms can’t let their sons go. They are never satisfied with sons partner and don’t support or encourage their sons leaving them with a unsatisfied relationship with their mom. Sometimes there really is an issue with moms and sons.

can you help me understand why the bolded is any different than fathers who say she’ll always be Daddy’s girl?

[Anonymous]

I have a young adult son. I fully expect to visit him when he moves out after college. I expect to pay for my own hotel room in the area where he lives.

I hope to talk with him for a few minutes once a week on the phone just to check in.

And if he needs help, I’ll be just a phone call away, but I won’t hover.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand how anyone can talk or text anyone everyday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

When DH and I had been married only a short time, I noticed my MIL stopped reaching out and grew distant. I asked my SIL for insight and she recited that quote. It made me really sad so I tried extra hard to include her and extended frequent invites, but she never initiated on her end. I tried even harder when the kids came along but she seemed disinterested in our kids even while being very involved with her daughters’ kids. My heart broke for DH because he felt rejected. In the end it was a self-fulfilling prophecy.

I have 2 boys that I hope will talk to me a few times a week and see me monthly. Maybe that’s too much to hope for but that’s honestly what I wish. I hope that by respecting their relationships with their partners, I will see more of them.

[Anonymous]

I hope for a relationship just like you describe, OP. I’d be thrilled if my son lives close by and that I can see him and any future grandchildren weekly.

He left for college this past fall and I miss him terribly. I’ll only admit this on an anon forum, but I feel like the rest of my life is basically just going to go downhill without him being an everyday member of the house.

To be clear, of course I want him to follow his dreams and would not guilt him to live nearby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I think that is hogwash. My husband has a very loving and close relationship with his parents. (His parents are divorced but are both local). He texts/calls them regularly we see them once a month or so maybe more depending on what's going on in our lives. I think the biggest factor in success is that I have a loving and drama free relationship with my in-laws. We have a pretty good routine going for how we split up holidays and family trips since my parents live far away.