Moms of boys - what type of relationship do you want with them as adults

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I see you’re in denial. There’s a big difference between the relationship you have with an adult daughter and son. Your son will either never leave the nest and be a loser, or he’ll go create his own family and be a successful man. His daughter will be in charge of all the invisible weather which means her family and friends will be prioritized. She’ll include you but if you cause any problems you’re out.

[Anonymous]

^^ labor not weather!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I worry about this too. I hope one of my sons marries a man. Perhaps I’m less likely to lose him then?

[Anonymous]

I don’t worry about this at all. Our kids are both close with us. Our 22 year old son has a lovely GF, they visit all of the time. We’re respectful and warm to her and vice versa. Our daughter is the one most likely to be distant because she dislikes the DC area. We’ll always welcome whatever time she chooses to spend in this area and we plan to invite (and pay for) both kids and their partners to join us on nice family vacations. If they join us, great! If not, we won’t be offended. Life is too short to get wound up about all of this. Be people others want to be around and your kids won’t avoid you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can only speak to my current relationship which I love my future relationship will depend on their location/distance/marital status.

They both live in cities a quick flight or a long drive away.

I visit both of them one time in the Fall (I stay in hotel), they visit for the holidays (they stay in their rooms). My one son plays a sport so I see him every weekend during his sport for about 12 weeks (we see him for about 5 hours after the game/eat dinner). My other son will fly to see his brother once or twice during the season.

We have a family chat where we talk a few times a week ... it's a lot right now due to football conversations.

My boys call me/I call them once a week. We text off the group chat once or twice a week.

I will see one son 2 x in the summer. The other son comes home for the summer. When he is home, we probably see each other/eat together a few times a week, his work schedule is odd.

I hope to do a big vacation either this Summer or Next perhaps in the future once every few years. Otherwise, we don't really vacation together since college.

Have you ever asked your son if he’d prefer you come less often? Maybe he wants to hang out with teammates and friends after his games? Every week seems like a lot!

Yes, he was injured so we asked if it was okay to come every other weekend or something like that and he said he preferred we come to all the games. It's not just us and him, it's the whole team or at least his grade and all the parents. Believe me they go out after the 5 hours, we go to bed at 9 or 10 and then they go out for the night.

It is a lot. But that is what most families do.

[Anonymous]

I hope that my son lives a rich, full, independent life and that we're close enough that he keeps me in the loop about things he's doing/enjoying/exploring/experiencing.

I hope I feel close to him, that I feel he would come in an emergency if I needed him. I hope he feels close to me, and that he could/would call me in times of distress or for advice.

I hope that he finds love, and when he does that I get to see and be part of whatever he builds. I hope that I will be supportive of whatever choices he makes.

I hope we're connected enough that I'm not counting calls or texts, and he's not feeling obligated.

I don't really know what all of that will look like (he's 10+ years from adulthood still) but an ongoing loving and connected relationship is what I hope to experience, whatever that looks like.

I hope the same with my daughter.

[Anonymous]

I speak with my son at least once a week and during the summer we live near him and I see him about twice a month. He and his wife both work full time so they are very busy with their children on weekends and I don’t want to be the MIL that is viewed as controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

That is super outdated, in accurate and counterproductive, and sounds like you have been hanging at the nursing home, with MIL and her frenemies, who are bitter about their DILs. A myth also perpetuated by SIL, in the interest of triangulating. Just stop. It is 2023.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

That is super outdated, in accurate and counterproductive, and sounds like you have been hanging at the nursing home, with MIL and her frenemies, who are bitter about their DILs. A myth also perpetuated by SIL, in the interest of triangulating. Just stop. It is 2023.

*inaccurate

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope that my son lives a rich, full, independent life and that we're close enough that he keeps me in the loop about things he's doing/enjoying/exploring/experiencing.

I hope I feel close to him, that I feel he would come in an emergency if I needed him. I hope he feels close to me, and that he could/would call me in times of distress or for advice.

I hope that he finds love, and when he does that I get to see and be part of whatever he builds. I hope that I will be supportive of whatever choices he makes.

I hope we're connected enough that I'm not counting calls or texts, and he's not feeling obligated.

I don't really know what all of that will look like (he's 10+ years from adulthood still) but an ongoing loving and connected relationship is what I hope to experience, whatever that looks like.

I hope the same with my daughter.

+1

Exactly. I hope for love, positive communication, mutual respect, not just in words, but in actions. I hope that DCs partner up. Actually I hope for marriage (and grandkids I can see and enjoy, because we did not have that). I hope their partners make them happy, and they live a healthy, positive and productive life. I hope to be an active and healthy part of their lives, and I hope they see me as a positive example, and a positive part of their lives. I hope we get to enjoy each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There’s so much debate on this forum of what’s “normal” for an adult male and his mom and so much annoyance over dh/mil relationships. I’m just curious what you as a current mom of boys (kids) hope for someday with your son

I have 3 which I think in some ways help not put all my need for familial connection on one child

I hope we have regular text exchanges of news, memes, updates etc - not a daily “how was your day” exchange but also not a once a month phone call and that’s it

I hope they want to visit me once a year and welcome a couple short visits from me a year

I hope we do a couple multigen trips if they have grandkids

I’d love to share my hiking / outdoors hobby with one but don’t know I’ll be that lucky. A woman I know went on hiking trips with her two boys into her 70s - when they were single and when they were married (with their spouses also) who were all excited to get taken to the exotic places she wanted to hike (my husband has no interest in hiking - he’d be invited of course if he was interested).

I hope if they marry, I’m friendly with their spouses but am no way looking for a “daughter” or want to transfer my relationship with their fam over to her

All of this is similar to what I have with my mom minus the random girls weekends which for whatever reason do feel bizarre to me to do with a son

I'm happy I have girls. Not bc I would not love a son. But seeing all of my friends' sons and how they are with girlfriends (not even fiancees) has really been shocking. This is not a statistically sound sample, and obviously anecdotal, but the girlfriends control everything. The GF parents are treated like queens by the boys, and the reverse is not true. It's been really shocking to see.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I see you’re in denial. There’s a big difference between the relationship you have with an adult daughter and son. Your son will either never leave the nest and be a loser, or he’ll go create his own family and be a successful man. His daughter will be in charge of all the invisible weather which means her family and friends will be prioritized. She’ll include you but if you cause any problems you’re out.

How did you get all that from the pp? The son is being raised to be competent to support himself and prioritize his family. That is not a loser or an ahole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I disagree. It’s actually very common for the wife’s side to win out over the husband’s, especially when the wife sows discontent with the husband’s parents. Women are very competitive that way.

or - maybe - the wife is behind the husband asking him to pick up the responsibility of planning with his parents and when that doesn’t happen, the wife gets blamed.

Np yes but when a son that used to make plans when single and the doesn't when married..the wife may have something to do with it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm going to say something ridiculous that I would only say on an anonymous forum:

Have you ever heard that silly old saying, "A daughter's a daughter all of her life. A son is a son until he takes a wife."?

I worry about this.

I hate that stupid saying. I think it comes down to how you treat them as children and their spouse's family values. I am raising my sons to be responsible adults. I expect them to put their spouse and children's needs ahead of mine. I'm raising them to let them go live their lives. I hope to be part of that life. Meanwhile, I have plans for travels, tennis, lunches with friends. In other words, I eill still have a life to live when they're grown.

I disagree. It’s actually very common for the wife’s side to win out over the husband’s, especially when the wife sows discontent with the husband’s parents. Women are very competitive that way.

or - maybe - the wife is behind the husband asking him to pick up the responsibility of planning with his parents and when that doesn’t happen, the wife gets blamed.

Np yes but when a son that used to make plans when single and the doesn't when married..the wife may have something to do with it!

You are blaming the daughter-in-law when the blame should be placed on the son. Way to go, mother-in-law!

[Anonymous]

I want to have a honest relationship with my son not one that is facilitated through his wife or partner. I am definitely not a phone talker so hopefully we could text or email every once in a while but I really don't see us needing to talk every day. I would hope that on special occasions we get together but I really don't want to travel every holiday to visit and I don't expect him to travel every holiday to visit me. I wouldn't mind a family vacation at some point, but I am not into mandatory annual trips so it would likely be a one and done.