Anyone make it work (not just stay together) for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the story you are looking for but... I caught my H cheating pregnant with my 2nd. He moved out but we reconciled after 8 months. I would have NEVER reconciled but i had an infant and toddler and thought, it's worth a try.

The next 2 years sucked but the 8 that followed were amazing. Then it started again, the weirdness and depression.

I told him to get therapy, he wouldn't so ... i waited and bam, the affair was revealed again.

He moved to the guest room, and I pretended to agree to reconcile after a year of therapy. he did intense therapy (he has PTSD) and it really helped him a lot, he became somewhat normal and a great father. but it was too much 2 affairs forget about it.

I asked for a divorce, he continued therapy for 3 more intense years.

Now he is a great dad, I'm very happy and we are extremely amicable... so much so it drives my friend crazy. I like him more than most people like their husbands.

Not exactly what you were looking for but one with a happy ending.

So you are still married? Sounds like the affairs were a byproduct of his own mental health issues and not a referendum on you or the marriage. He was 'self-medicating'. I am sure all of that therapy has made him a much better person overall. You now see the warning signs--what he acts like just before or when he steps out.

No divorced. But no animosity, we aren’t angry. We travel together to see the kids at college, do holidays together, etc.

This is so bittersweet to me. He fixed his issues, became a good father, could have been a good husband, but it was too little too late. The marriage was good for eight years post affair! That is a lot! Everything was just in the wrong order.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men can stay for the kids but women will not. Women are driven by emotions. If they are checked out, and no longer emotionally connected to their husbands, their kids become an afterthought. They will do whatever or seek whoever will provide that emotional high for them.

Wtf? No no no.
Women stay to protect the kids and do the child raising.
Men check out but stay for the woman to do the child raising and house keeping.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing (minus the "for the kids" part) is marriage.

Yes, I got married and I stayed married. I think the stuff in your post was made easier because we started off loving each other and can get back to that and both want to get back to that whenever we can. It's not always like it used to be but with effort and desire, yes, we have made it work.

We try to not to take each other for granted, we give each other grace, we don't keep score (except we do track how often we have sex on a app), and so far, that's worked for both of us.

Yeah, in very long marriages there are always low points and high points--peaks and valleys and sometimes just smooth content road.

A lot of people go into marriage not knowing this^^. I had loving parents and siblings and relatives and pre-marriage counseling that explained all of this. Even when we were giddy and head over heels, couldn't keep our hands off of one another--I was given the 'it won't be all good times and there may be days or weeks you can't stand them (yes people said this)--but that's a 50-year+ overall very happy marriage.

People cut and run at the first hint of boredom with themselves or they start leaning into 'u don't do this' blah blah-and they get nitpicky with one another focusing on all that is bad instead of what is good.

+1 Agree wholeheartedly, especially with the bolded. I've caught myself doing this many times, and making an effort to correct this bad habit makes all the difference.

+2
My husband is a loving and involved father. That was a place to start to look for good qualities and behaviors, and it's amazing how making that a habit can adjust your outlook. He still does stuff I disagree with or that makes me angry or hurt, but it matters whether that's what you're focusing on v. putting it in context with the good stuff, too.

[Anonymous]

My husband is a pretty awful person. He can be charming and he’s very smart but he’s just mean. Both of us clearly don’t want a divorce.

We’ve been together 24 years and I’m tired. Still have young kids. Neither of us want to raise them alone. I need his health insurance. He needs me to cook and clean and take care of the kids.

Not sure he’s capable of true love but I believe we did love each other when we met and through most of our marriage.

If he’s sick I take care of him. If I’m sick, he ignores me. If I say I don’t feel well ( I get colds from the kids a lot but it’s usually not a big deal) he says there’s always a problem and I shouldn’t discuss feeling sick until he’s had a chance to talk because then it’s awkward for him. So yeah he’s a jerk.

He’s finally making good money after years of us being pretty frugal or depending on my parents for big ticket items.
I didn’t marry for money but geez I’ve freaking earned it and I’m staying. I have special needs kids and he acts as if that part of them doesn’t exist so no way am I leaving him in charge of the kids - even part time. If he had to take kids to dr, he would know zero about their health issues. Zero.

My marriage stinks but I try to find happiness with my kids and friends.

Life isn’t easy. You sometimes get to pick which part of life should be hard. That’s what I’ve done. You care less and less about a person like him each day so it gets easier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do it for YOU if that is what you want.

What a bizarre view. Doing it for kids is a perfectly reasonable motivation, especially if the outcome is ending up content!

Really? Kids growing up in a house with constantly fighting parents? Nasty name calling? Been there and it has lasting bad memories!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men can stay for the kids but women will not. Women are driven by emotions. If they are checked out, and no longer emotionally connected to their husbands, their kids become an afterthought. They will do whatever or seek whoever will provide that emotional high for them.

You’ve got a distorted perception, likely because you’ve been hurt. Your statement is a false generalization.

[Anonymous]

Bump
I find myself today in this situation. After confronting him last night, dh admitted to infidelity. I’d be gone yesterday but for my child (for various issues other than what I learned today)

The door to a different life- that I often fantasize about- is in front of me. A life without a dh with addiction issues, emotional unavailability etc. But I won’t touch it bc I’m not losing 50% of time with my child. We have had big issues for a long time. We truthfully should have never married. I marched thru a fiend of red flags.

After a 3 hour convo where Dh said to me that he’s been holding it inside that he hasn’t been physically attracted to me for the last 9 years bc my body has changed drastically, and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings, he then said tonight either feels like the night our marriage ended, or the night everything started to change for the better.

I’m trying to get thru 1 hour at a time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing (minus the "for the kids" part) is marriage.

Yes, I got married and I stayed married. I think the stuff in your post was made easier because we started off loving each other and can get back to that and both want to get back to that whenever we can. It's not always like it used to be but with effort and desire, yes, we have made it work.

We try to not to take each other for granted, we give each other grace, we don't keep score (except we do track how often we have sex on a app), and so far, that's worked for both of us.

Yeah, in very long marriages there are always low points and high points--peaks and valleys and sometimes just smooth content road.

A lot of people go into marriage not knowing this^^. I had loving parents and siblings and relatives and pre-marriage counseling that explained all of this. Even when we were giddy and head over heels, couldn't keep our hands off of one another--I was given the 'it won't be all good times and there may be days or weeks you can't stand them (yes people said this)--but that's a 50-year+ overall very happy marriage.

People cut and run at the first hint of boredom with themselves or they start leaning into 'u don't do this' blah blah-and they get nitpicky with one another focusing on all that is bad instead of what is good.

Exactly! This. People give up and throw in the towel wayyyy too quickly / easily these days. Part of marriage is remembering the whole “for better or worse” thing and remaining dedicated to the marriage even during those times when the instant gratification/high in love feelings aren’t there.

I don’t think this is true at all. Half of the people in this thread are describing infidelity- that is a dead serious violation of the marriage and I would not blame any person who decided they couldn’t stay with someone who betrayed them in that way. My own marriage had very inappropriate, abusive behavior that no one should put up with. No one would blame me for leaving but I am giving DH a chance to work through his baggage for our kids and for the happiness that does exist in our life. Very few people just “throw in the towel.” Who can even afford to do that?! Divorce is so expensive!

Divorce is not expensive. Having two households is.

[Anonymous]

My spouse and I are staying together for the kids. Both are around ten and while we have come close to divorce three times, in the end we both know it's best for the kids if we stay together until they are older.

We don't hate each other, but we have really changed as we got older. No similar interests and even raising our kids we want different methods.

But, our kids are in the best interest so we stick it out and overall we're similar to roommates. We still act like a family. No one can tell the difference. But, no sex. Just hugs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I are staying together for the kids. Both are around ten and while we have come close to divorce three times, in the end we both know it's best for the kids if we stay together until they are older.

We don't hate each other, but we have really changed as we got older. No similar interests and even raising our kids we want different methods.

But, our kids are in the best interest so we stick it out and overall we're similar to roommates. We still act like a family. No one can tell the difference. But, no sex. Just hugs.

You mean no sex … with each other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I are staying together for the kids. Both are around ten and while we have come close to divorce three times, in the end we both know it's best for the kids if we stay together until they are older.

We don't hate each other, but we have really changed as we got older. No similar interests and even raising our kids we want different methods.

But, our kids are in the best interest so we stick it out and overall we're similar to roommates. We still act like a family. No one can tell the difference. But, no sex. Just hugs.

You mean no sex … with each other.

I often wonder about these posts and whether these women would be extremely upset if they found out that their husband has been sleeping with other people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote: )
No divorced. But no animosity, we aren’t angry. We travel together to see the kids at college, do holidays together, etc.

— interesting. I divorced. Now my former spouse and I are the closest we have ever been. We have kids. After a 15+ years of marriage, we needed space to grow. We are still divorced. I would reconcile with him in a heartbeat. I am honest about my behavior. I was not pleasant and I wanted to control everything— For about three years . I am more mellow now and I can appreciate him more.

Some people have remarked that they think our “relationship is weird.” It works for me, and I think him.

[Anonymous]

bolded:
get nitpicky with one another focusing on all that is bad instead of what is good.

I did this and more and it cost me my marriage. I have dated a lot (i look great), but I have not found anyone I like as much as my former. He was not gorgeous but he was everything I liked in a man and in a father. I still admire his role as a father. Just the truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My spouse and I are staying together for the kids. Both are around ten and while we have come close to divorce three times, in the end we both know it's best for the kids if we stay together until they are older.

We don't hate each other, but we have really changed as we got older. No similar interests and even raising our kids we want different methods.

But, our kids are in the best interest so we stick it out and overall we're similar to roommates. We still act like a family. No one can tell the difference. But, no sex. Just hugs.

You mean no sex … with each other.

I often wonder about these posts and whether these women would be extremely upset if they found out that their husband has been sleeping with other people.

It’s just an understood and accepted part of a “staying together for the kids” marriage

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Bump
I find myself today in this situation. After confronting him last night, dh admitted to infidelity. I’d be gone yesterday but for my child (for various issues other than what I learned today)

The door to a different life- that I often fantasize about- is in front of me. A life without a dh with addiction issues, emotional unavailability etc. But I won’t touch it bc I’m not losing 50% of time with my child. We have had big issues for a long time. We truthfully should have never married. I marched thru a fiend of red flags.

After a 3 hour convo where Dh said to me that he’s been holding it inside that he hasn’t been physically attracted to me for the last 9 years bc my body has changed drastically, and he didn’t want to hurt my feelings, he then said tonight either feels like the night our marriage ended, or the night everything started to change for the better.

I’m trying to get thru 1 hour at a time.

What jurisdiction are you in. I know a great shark lawyer for custody in Fairfax. She was an artist at her job.