Anyone make it work (not just stay together) for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Would love to hear stories from people who have made it work for the kids.

In other words, you would have thrown in the towel if not for kids but because of kids actually worked to improve the marriage and become reasonably content with the marriage (in contrast to seething with resentment or resigning to a completely disconnected roommate situation).

Anybody?

[Anonymous]

Do it for YOU if that is what you want.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do it for YOU if that is what you want.

What a bizarre view. Doing it for kids is a perfectly reasonable motivation, especially if the outcome is ending up content!

[Anonymous]

I am sure there are many of us. Not head over heels in love, but respectful and affectionate to each other. Is it ideal? Probably not, but the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

[Anonymous]

I feel like we are getting there. I can’t live with resentment, I can’t live with my husband as a roommate, I’m not wired that way and I would just get divorced.

Our marriage had a lot of major problems, as in dealbreakers for most people. Things had deteriorated to the point where our fights were terrible, we were sleeping in separate rooms, sexless, etc.

You have to let a lot go. A LOT. You have to forgive. You go on awkward dates and think “I could be spending this time dating someone hotter/funnier/smarter.” You start having sex again, and it’s not always fantastic, but it’s passable.

You have to accept that if you stay, things may deteriorate again, and by the time you finally decide that enough is enough you will have spent a lot more time making this failing relationship work, and you might never get into another romantic relationship again. That’s a risk. I decided any time with 100% custody of my kids is not wasted time.

And somehow, over time, you get invested again, you feel safe again, you feel like it’s not stupid to stay.

[Anonymous]

What you are describing (minus the "for the kids" part) is marriage.

Yes, I got married and I stayed married. I think the stuff in your post was made easier because we started off loving each other and can get back to that and both want to get back to that whenever we can. It's not always like it used to be but with effort and desire, yes, we have made it work.

We try to not to take each other for granted, we give each other grace, we don't keep score (except we do track how often we have sex on a app), and so far, that's worked for both of us.

[Anonymous]

I feel like this is pretty much us too. I think it must be common, because what percent of married people are still head over heels in love with each other at year 10?

I think it's more than just doing it "for the kids." It's also recognizing that neither of us really wants to start over with new partners at this stage of life, that even if we are super in love anymore, we do actually like each other as people and appreciate each other as co-parents, and there are huge advantages in life to being part of a team instead of going it alone. We do things for each other all the time. We cook each other meals. I make sure our car is always in good working order. DH always replaces all the lightbulbs around the house. If one of us is really stressed at work, we can sit and vent about it to the other and we are supportive and encouraging and willing to listen to the same complaints over and over. We know each others families and put up with them and also listen to one another complain about them with total understanding, always on each other's side.

I don't have a single other person in my life who will do that stuff for me. I mean if I was rich I could hire people to do some of it but (1) I'm not rich, and (2) it feels better when someone does it for you for free. It makes you feel more valued.

Our marriage has little to no passion but it does have trust, respect, understanding, loyalty, compassion, etc. What are the odds I will find that somewhere else, at my age, as a single mom? Close to nil. I think my DH feels the same way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing (minus the "for the kids" part) is marriage.

Yes, I got married and I stayed married. I think the stuff in your post was made easier because we started off loving each other and can get back to that and both want to get back to that whenever we can. It's not always like it used to be but with effort and desire, yes, we have made it work.

We try to not to take each other for granted, we give each other grace, we don't keep score (except we do track how often we have sex on a app), and so far, that's worked for both of us.

Yeah, in very long marriages there are always low points and high points--peaks and valleys and sometimes just smooth content road.

A lot of people go into marriage not knowing this^^. I had loving parents and siblings and relatives and pre-marriage counseling that explained all of this. Even when we were giddy and head over heels, couldn't keep our hands off of one another--I was given the 'it won't be all good times and there may be days or weeks you can't stand them (yes people said this)--but that's a 50-year+ overall very happy marriage.

People cut and run at the first hint of boredom with themselves or they start leaning into 'u don't do this' blah blah-and they get nitpicky with one another focusing on all that is bad instead of what is good.

[Anonymous]

My parents did this. I’m so glad they did, because in their old age they are so darling with one another and I’m glad they have each other (and aren’t placing a huge burden on us kids, but that’s secondary). Married 43 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing (minus the "for the kids" part) is marriage.

Yes, I got married and I stayed married. I think the stuff in your post was made easier because we started off loving each other and can get back to that and both want to get back to that whenever we can. It's not always like it used to be but with effort and desire, yes, we have made it work.

We try to not to take each other for granted, we give each other grace, we don't keep score (except we do track how often we have sex on a app), and so far, that's worked for both of us.

Yeah, in very long marriages there are always low points and high points--peaks and valleys and sometimes just smooth content road.

A lot of people go into marriage not knowing this^^. I had loving parents and siblings and relatives and pre-marriage counseling that explained all of this. Even when we were giddy and head over heels, couldn't keep our hands off of one another--I was given the 'it won't be all good times and there may be days or weeks you can't stand them (yes people said this)--but that's a 50-year+ overall very happy marriage.

People cut and run at the first hint of boredom with themselves or they start leaning into 'u don't do this' blah blah-and they get nitpicky with one another focusing on all that is bad instead of what is good.

I do think once you choose to bring kids into your marriage you have a much greater responsibility to make the marriage work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing (minus the "for the kids" part) is marriage.

Yes, I got married and I stayed married. I think the stuff in your post was made easier because we started off loving each other and can get back to that and both want to get back to that whenever we can. It's not always like it used to be but with effort and desire, yes, we have made it work.

We try to not to take each other for granted, we give each other grace, we don't keep score (except we do track how often we have sex on a app), and so far, that's worked for both of us.

Yeah, in very long marriages there are always low points and high points--peaks and valleys and sometimes just smooth content road.

A lot of people go into marriage not knowing this^^. I had loving parents and siblings and relatives and pre-marriage counseling that explained all of this. Even when we were giddy and head over heels, couldn't keep our hands off of one another--I was given the 'it won't be all good times and there may be days or weeks you can't stand them (yes people said this)--but that's a 50-year+ overall very happy marriage.

People cut and run at the first hint of boredom with themselves or they start leaning into 'u don't do this' blah blah-and they get nitpicky with one another focusing on all that is bad instead of what is good.

Exactly! This. People give up and throw in the towel wayyyy too quickly / easily these days. Part of marriage is remembering the whole “for better or worse” thing and remaining dedicated to the marriage even during those times when the instant gratification/high in love feelings aren’t there.

[Anonymous]

^ once you have kids, your wants/needs should not be placed above their own. People take that oxygen mask BS to mean they can go out be selfish and have affairs or leave one parent with the bulk of household stuff because it's their time and momma needs to be happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
In other words, you would have thrown in the towel if not for kids

What you are describing (minus the "for the kids" part) is marriage.

No, that's far from universally true. I'm not saying that every single day of marriage has been bliss, or that I've never been angry with my wife, but I've never had any wish to leave her, and I'm pretty sure she's felt the same.

[Anonymous]

Not exactly the story you are looking for but... I caught my H cheating pregnant with my 2nd. He moved out but we reconciled after 8 months. I would have NEVER reconciled but i had an infant and toddler and thought, it's worth a try.

The next 2 years sucked but the 8 that followed were amazing. Then it started again, the weirdness and depression.

I told him to get therapy, he wouldn't so ... i waited and bam, the affair was revealed again.

He moved to the guest room, and I pretended to agree to reconcile after a year of therapy. he did intense therapy (he has PTSD) and it really helped him a lot, he became somewhat normal and a great father. but it was too much 2 affairs forget about it.

I asked for a divorce, he continued therapy for 3 more intense years.

Now he is a great dad, I'm very happy and we are extremely amicable... so much so it drives my friend crazy. I like him more than most people like their husbands.

Not exactly what you were looking for but one with a happy ending.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Do it for YOU if that is what you want.

The narcissists manifesto.