Anyone make it work (not just stay together) for the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Do it for YOU if that is what you want.

The narcissists manifesto.

Alas - when you understand your own agency and that it is YOUR desire to stay together “for the kids” then you are likely to be much more successful, yes? And why not make the decision that it should be for you?

[Anonymous]

What is the sex tracking app?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. I’m so glad they did, because in their old age they are so darling with one another and I’m glad they have each other (and aren’t placing a huge burden on us kids, but that’s secondary). Married 43 years.

Most people learn from their parents, what to do - the issue is that most people do not learn what NOT to do, and the issues perpetuate. DH's parents barely tolerated each other, and it is obvious. They bickered at certain times, and could not do much together without being at each other, which is the sad part. DH tries to repeat that nonsense, and I shut it down. His side tends to like drama, that is just one example. Who needs the drama, really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the story you are looking for but... I caught my H cheating pregnant with my 2nd. He moved out but we reconciled after 8 months. I would have NEVER reconciled but i had an infant and toddler and thought, it's worth a try.

The next 2 years sucked but the 8 that followed were amazing. Then it started again, the weirdness and depression.

I told him to get therapy, he wouldn't so ... i waited and bam, the affair was revealed again.

He moved to the guest room, and I pretended to agree to reconcile after a year of therapy. he did intense therapy (he has PTSD) and it really helped him a lot, he became somewhat normal and a great father. but it was too much 2 affairs forget about it.

I asked for a divorce, he continued therapy for 3 more intense years.

Now he is a great dad, I'm very happy and we are extremely amicable... so much so it drives my friend crazy. I like him more than most people like their husbands.

Not exactly what you were looking for but one with a happy ending.

So you are still married? Sounds like the affairs were a byproduct of his own mental health issues and not a referendum on you or the marriage. He was 'self-medicating'. I am sure all of that therapy has made him a much better person overall. You now see the warning signs--what he acts like just before or when he steps out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents did this. I’m so glad they did, because in their old age they are so darling with one another and I’m glad they have each other (and aren’t placing a huge burden on us kids, but that’s secondary). Married 43 years.

Most people learn from their parents, what to do - the issue is that most people do not learn what NOT to do, and the issues perpetuate. DH's parents barely tolerated each other, and it is obvious. They bickered at certain times, and could not do much together without being at each other, which is the sad part. DH tries to repeat that nonsense, and I shut it down. His side tends to like drama, that is just one example. Who needs the drama, really.

And some have absolutely zero good role models. My husband had an alcoholic cheating dad that abandoned the family and a narcissistic/BPD mom that wasn't involved and put all of her needs before her two kids.

If you marry someone like this they have no idea what a normal marriage is like or the 'stages' of a long marriage. There is a lot of education and therapy to be had.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the story you are looking for but... I caught my H cheating pregnant with my 2nd. He moved out but we reconciled after 8 months. I would have NEVER reconciled but i had an infant and toddler and thought, it's worth a try.

The next 2 years sucked but the 8 that followed were amazing. Then it started again, the weirdness and depression.

I told him to get therapy, he wouldn't so ... i waited and bam, the affair was revealed again.

He moved to the guest room, and I pretended to agree to reconcile after a year of therapy. he did intense therapy (he has PTSD) and it really helped him a lot, he became somewhat normal and a great father. but it was too much 2 affairs forget about it.

I asked for a divorce, he continued therapy for 3 more intense years.

Now he is a great dad, I'm very happy and we are extremely amicable... so much so it drives my friend crazy. I like him more than most people like their husbands.

Not exactly what you were looking for but one with a happy ending.

Similar to us. Caught him cheating while pregnant with my second and a toddler at home. Would have absolutely been done immediately if it were not for the kids. Threw ourselves into marriage and individual therapies. The following two years were so emotional and painful and exhausting and raw. I did not have high hopes, but we honestly built something I'm proud to be a part of now. Our relationship is the best it's ever been- more date nights, way better sex life, more efficient communication, more intentional loving each other in the way we each need. I LOATHE the fact that infidelity was the springboard for change, but I often wonder if that hadn't happen and we didn't put in all the work- would we still be together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing (minus the "for the kids" part) is marriage.

Yes, I got married and I stayed married. I think the stuff in your post was made easier because we started off loving each other and can get back to that and both want to get back to that whenever we can. It's not always like it used to be but with effort and desire, yes, we have made it work.

We try to not to take each other for granted, we give each other grace, we don't keep score (except we do track how often we have sex on a app), and so far, that's worked for both of us.

Yeah, in very long marriages there are always low points and high points--peaks and valleys and sometimes just smooth content road.

A lot of people go into marriage not knowing this^^. I had loving parents and siblings and relatives and pre-marriage counseling that explained all of this. Even when we were giddy and head over heels, couldn't keep our hands off of one another--I was given the 'it won't be all good times and there may be days or weeks you can't stand them (yes people said this)--but that's a 50-year+ overall very happy marriage.

People cut and run at the first hint of boredom with themselves or they start leaning into 'u don't do this' blah blah-and they get nitpicky with one another focusing on all that is bad instead of what is good.

+1 Agree wholeheartedly, especially with the bolded. I've caught myself doing this many times, and making an effort to correct this bad habit makes all the difference.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What you are describing (minus the "for the kids" part) is marriage.

Yes, I got married and I stayed married. I think the stuff in your post was made easier because we started off loving each other and can get back to that and both want to get back to that whenever we can. It's not always like it used to be but with effort and desire, yes, we have made it work.

We try to not to take each other for granted, we give each other grace, we don't keep score (except we do track how often we have sex on a app), and so far, that's worked for both of us.

Yeah, in very long marriages there are always low points and high points--peaks and valleys and sometimes just smooth content road.

A lot of people go into marriage not knowing this^^. I had loving parents and siblings and relatives and pre-marriage counseling that explained all of this. Even when we were giddy and head over heels, couldn't keep our hands off of one another--I was given the 'it won't be all good times and there may be days or weeks you can't stand them (yes people said this)--but that's a 50-year+ overall very happy marriage.

People cut and run at the first hint of boredom with themselves or they start leaning into 'u don't do this' blah blah-and they get nitpicky with one another focusing on all that is bad instead of what is good.

Exactly! This. People give up and throw in the towel wayyyy too quickly / easily these days. Part of marriage is remembering the whole “for better or worse” thing and remaining dedicated to the marriage even during those times when the instant gratification/high in love feelings aren’t there.

I don’t think this is true at all. Half of the people in this thread are describing infidelity- that is a dead serious violation of the marriage and I would not blame any person who decided they couldn’t stay with someone who betrayed them in that way. My own marriage had very inappropriate, abusive behavior that no one should put up with. No one would blame me for leaving but I am giving DH a chance to work through his baggage for our kids and for the happiness that does exist in our life. Very few people just “throw in the towel.” Who can even afford to do that?! Divorce is so expensive!

[Anonymous]

I think the poster who mentioned her darling parents nailed it, mine went through something similar and now that they are in their 70’s, they are so cute together. My husband and I also had a rough period which is now a distant memory.

I’d suggest you and your husband sit down and do a deep dive into what you both want. Do you want more date nights? Do you need a different type of house/lifestyle? Do you want to attend religious services and if so what type? Are either or both of you too into a hobby or community activity so the other one is left feeling resentful? Do you want more sex? Does one of you travel and it’s taking a toll?

Marriage counselors won’t help you until one of you has a physical affair or that is my experience at any rate. You also need to take what you think and what you hope and apply reality. I lean more liberal in terms of religion, unfortunately, the liberal churches we attended seemed to have no use for our family. I can remember being at church talking about an upcoming activity and one of the organizers saying “You can come when your children are with their father” and I said “Their father.. he’s right across the room” the church catered to divorced families and we weren’t one of those. As much as I dislike some our current church’s stance on gay marriage, gay marriage is legal now so it’s not like the church can stop it. I’ve also found the church to be more of what I was looking for, stuff for the kids to do, a women’s group, a men’s group, and when I did need counseling the church was there something our previous church refused me because “You aren’t gay or divorcing”. I wasn’t, but that didn’t mean I didn’t need pastoral care, and had I gotten it, it’s doubtful the bad patch would have been so bad.
I think too, you and your husband need to make it a point to be “extra sweet” to each other. That’s a term one of my kids uses and I like it, you apply real effort to be kind and loving to someone you love.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is the sex tracking app?

If you have an android or iPhone, it's built into the health app that they come with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am sure there are many of us. Not head over heels in love, but respectful and affectionate to each other. Is it ideal? Probably not, but the grass isn’t always greener on the other side.

This.

[Anonymous]

Men can stay for the kids but women will not. Women are driven by emotions. If they are checked out, and no longer emotionally connected to their husbands, their kids become an afterthought. They will do whatever or seek whoever will provide that emotional high for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men can stay for the kids but women will not. Women are driven by emotions. If they are checked out, and no longer emotionally connected to their husbands, their kids become an afterthought. They will do whatever or seek whoever will provide that emotional high for them.

Strongly disagree because women are MUCH more hurt at the thought of losing 50% of their kids time to custody split. They will stay and put up with a LOT to keep their kids full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Would love to hear stories from people who have made it work for the kids.

In other words, you would have thrown in the towel if not for kids but because of kids actually worked to improve the marriage and become reasonably content with the marriage (in contrast to seething with resentment or resigning to a completely disconnected roommate situation).

Anybody?

If neither of you is dead, there is a chance to start over and slowly improve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not exactly the story you are looking for but... I caught my H cheating pregnant with my 2nd. He moved out but we reconciled after 8 months. I would have NEVER reconciled but i had an infant and toddler and thought, it's worth a try.

The next 2 years sucked but the 8 that followed were amazing. Then it started again, the weirdness and depression.

I told him to get therapy, he wouldn't so ... i waited and bam, the affair was revealed again.

He moved to the guest room, and I pretended to agree to reconcile after a year of therapy. he did intense therapy (he has PTSD) and it really helped him a lot, he became somewhat normal and a great father. but it was too much 2 affairs forget about it.

I asked for a divorce, he continued therapy for 3 more intense years.

Now he is a great dad, I'm very happy and we are extremely amicable... so much so it drives my friend crazy. I like him more than most people like their husbands.

Not exactly what you were looking for but one with a happy ending.

So you are still married? Sounds like the affairs were a byproduct of his own mental health issues and not a referendum on you or the marriage. He was 'self-medicating'. I am sure all of that therapy has made him a much better person overall. You now see the warning signs--what he acts like just before or when he steps out.

No divorced. But no animosity, we aren’t angry. We travel together to see the kids at college, do holidays together, etc.