Is AM vs PM dishes a deal breaker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

as a person that prefers to WAIT and load a bunch of dishes at once (sensory processing issue stuff, but also it feels inefficient to me to open, rise, and load dishes a bunch of times rather than ... just the once .. and yes its a few minutes difference but those few minutes every day adds up over a life time) ... I would argue that they ARE preventing me from doing things if they insist i load as i go vs at one time later in the day ... you are asking me to do somethign I dont want to do because it isn't on YOUR timeline.

The "waiter" isn't preventing the "immediate" loader from anything, if it's important to them to do this several times a day so they can have a "clean kidtchen" then they can. But to force a person to do things on YOUR schedule just because it's YOUR preference ... indicates that the "immediate" loader is the control freak. The "waiter" just isn't as bothered by the sight of dishes and will get to it at the end of the day. Isn't that big of a deal.

The point is, if it IS a big deal, I think most ppl can assume it's the "immediate" loader who is the control freak ... because they are requesting someone does it THEIR WAY and only THEIR WAY

the point is, your inability to see something from another's perspective

Yeah. I can see things from both perspectives. If you think that the specific timing of when you load the dishes is important, then you are saying that you will only do things YOUR WAY. It doesn’t matter if your way is in the am or pm.

It also doesn’t matter if it’s because of anxiety or a sensory processing thing or being bothered by a messy kitchen vs being bothered by a few minutes of inefficiency.
If you can only do things YOUR way, and you can’t compromise, then you are not being a good partner, and you are difficult to live with.


I mean, if you are like other people on this thread, and you do the dishes while your spouse does the laundry, then whatever. That’s life.

But if you also can’t do the laundry in the way that your partner wants you to because you deem small loads on the gentle cycle inefficient. And you can’t cook meals that your partner also likes because you have sensory processing issues. And really you can’t do anything different than your system and the way that you do it ever, then YOU are ALSO difficult, and if you are fighting about this stuff, then you are likely both anxious control freaks.

then we agree, bc i am just responding to the bold, and pointing out that that statement refuses to acknowledge this is a place for compromise, because some people exist that want it the other way, and you are asking something of me, regardless of how incredulous you are about my existence.

My partner is one who likes to try and have dishes as you go, so they take it on as their task. I am really particular about my laundry, and how it's cared for, so I take that on for the family (they have done it "not up to my liking" before, so I recognize it's an area i care more about so I take it on)

etc...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not being able to find a solution to this conundrum would be a deal breaker.

Omg, this!!! 1000x

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

+1 so long as the I’ll-load-when-I-get-to-it person always does end up doing the dishes they’ve left in the sink without a reminder.

[Anonymous]

Dirty, smelly dishes in the sink all day is so gross. I would be so embarrassed if someone stopped by my house and my kitchen looked like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t care about overnight, but I wouldn’t want dishes from a previous meal sitting in the sink while I was trying to make the next one.

I would just do them though. Or make the kids do them. It’s not any kind of dealbreaker.

This is my thing. If I’m cooking, I want to start with a clean slate.

[Anonymous]

If I walked into the kitchen in the morning and the sink was full of dirty dishes I would assume we had something much better to do after dinner. In the absence of that it would never happen. My husband does the dishes and does them pretty well. I get turned on when he empties the dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

[Anonymous]

My DH usually does the dinner dishes but last night he ran off to watch a football game. When I went to bed the dishes were still there. When I went into the kitchen this morning everything was clean. He’s well trained!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

[Anonymous]

Yes but you will get used to either always loading their dishes in the dishwasher, or having dishes sitting around when you want them to be put in the dishwasher. As is often the case, the person with higher standards is the only one bothered by this.

Although in a marriage, what can also happen is that the person with higher standards gets sick and can't do chores at all for a while, and the other partner steps up and does the dishes even though they'd rather just let them pile up and do them all at once, out of love for their partner and a desire to help them through the illness. And then when the sick partner gets better, you just continue to both put dishes in the dishwasher as they get dirty because it's not that hard and is a form of care for your home and each other.

Marriage isn't really about dishes, is what I'm saying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

+1

I am the earlier "waiter" poster, and I love these response - doing a better job at what I was trying to point out! If this is an area that you struggle to find compromise on in your marriage - then it's due to the controlling of the DTRN spouses inability to see their spouses perspecitive. The DTRN spouse thinks it's their way or the highway. That doesnt make a good marriage in the long run

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

No. There is really only ONE option for both partners if they want to ever be in a decent relationship: get over it.

If you can’t get over it with doing or not doing anything at a particular time and in a particular way, you are probably a crappy roommate, difficult to have children with, and likely a bad sexual partner.

Both of these people need to get over themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

+1

I am the earlier "waiter" poster, and I love these response - doing a better job at what I was trying to point out! If this is an area that you struggle to find compromise on in your marriage - then it's due to the controlling of the DTRN spouses inability to see their spouses perspecitive. The DTRN spouse thinks it's their way or the highway. That doesnt make a good marriage in the long run

How is the “I have to wait until later” spouse compromising? By letting their partner do their dishes?
That’s not a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the kind of person that puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen, can you ever be happy with a spouse who leaves everything until morning?

Do they really get done in the morning, or is your spouse just delaying until you get fed up and do it yourself?