Is AM vs PM dishes a deal breaker?

[Anonymous]

I tend to be the one who leaves dishes in or near the sink and I’m sure it’s annoying to my husband who is really good about dishes. Once in awhile he will mention it. He always does the dinner clean up too. He’s the last one out of bed in the morning and I’m always the one to make it so I guess we are even. I think we are really good about not letting the small stuff bother us.

[Anonymous]

Yes. It would be annoying. Dh put the evening dishes away at 5 am a couple times and woke me up. Yeah nope. But we are now very good about cleaning after dinner and have a nice fresh kitchen for whoever is making breakfast.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

[Anonymous]

If you can't compromise, then do the job yourself the way you want.

But OP, you sound like you would be impossible to live with just based on the fact that you have to go to a public forum to ask this question.

[Anonymous]

Yes. Rude AF. If you use the kitchen you leave it ready for next use. My wife leaves every morning (I cook dinner) withthe sink full of dirty dishes.

Which means I'm both chef and dishwasher.

[Anonymous]

Not being able to find a solution to this conundrum would be a deal breaker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it might be a dealbreaker for me (luckily we don't have this problem). Why would you put the dishes in the sink if the dishwasher is RIGHT there??? So gross. Your sink smells and you can't use the sink effectively until somebody loads all the gross dishes into the dishwasher. I don't understand this procrastination about doing dishes. Eat and take care of your dishes!!

Like .. you don't poop and save the poop to flush later. Just wash the dishes!

+1 I can't stand dishes in the sink. Rinse them and put them in the dishwasher.

BUT load the dishwasher MY way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you’re the kind of person that puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen, can you ever be happy with a spouse who leaves everything until morning?

Like, you would stop dating an otherwise good person over this? No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Leaving them all day until evening is fine with me, but I don't like to leave them overnight. I would simply be the person who did the dishes, and we'd work out something equivalent DH was responsible for.

+1 My DH doesn’t clean up as he cooks and goes to bed much earlier than I do. We decided long ago that I would do all the dishes which is fine because he does probably 3/4 of the cooking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

as a person that prefers to WAIT and load a bunch of dishes at once (sensory processing issue stuff, but also it feels inefficient to me to open, rise, and load dishes a bunch of times rather than ... just the once .. and yes its a few minutes difference but those few minutes every day adds up over a life time) ... I would argue that they ARE preventing me from doing things if they insist i load as i go vs at one time later in the day ... you are asking me to do somethign I dont want to do because it isn't on YOUR timeline.

The "waiter" isn't preventing the "immediate" loader from anything, if it's important to them to do this several times a day so they can have a "clean kidtchen" then they can. But to force a person to do things on YOUR schedule just because it's YOUR preference ... indicates that the "immediate" loader is the control freak. The "waiter" just isn't as bothered by the sight of dishes and will get to it at the end of the day. Isn't that big of a deal.

The point is, if it IS a big deal, I think most ppl can assume it's the "immediate" loader who is the control freak ... because they are requesting someone does it THEIR WAY and only THEIR WAY

the point is, your inability to see something from another's perspective

[Anonymous]

I never was willing to miss out on family time in the evening doing dishes. In another room doing dishes. So I often just filled the sink up with water and dish soap and left it till later. Now retired, turns out it's really important to DH that dishes be placed in the dishwasher immediately, washed and unloaded each evening, starting the day with an empty dishwasher. It's just the two of us now. Now, I know it's important to him so I now make sure I do my part.

Reason I mention: Some strong preferences just have to wait. Just look the other way. Wait for another time in your family's life when things can be done the way you want. Lots of other people around you have other priorities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

as a person that prefers to WAIT and load a bunch of dishes at once (sensory processing issue stuff, but also it feels inefficient to me to open, rise, and load dishes a bunch of times rather than ... just the once .. and yes its a few minutes difference but those few minutes every day adds up over a life time) ... I would argue that they ARE preventing me from doing things if they insist i load as i go vs at one time later in the day ... you are asking me to do somethign I dont want to do because it isn't on YOUR timeline.

The "waiter" isn't preventing the "immediate" loader from anything, if it's important to them to do this several times a day so they can have a "clean kidtchen" then they can. But to force a person to do things on YOUR schedule just because it's YOUR preference ... indicates that the "immediate" loader is the control freak. The "waiter" just isn't as bothered by the sight of dishes and will get to it at the end of the day. Isn't that big of a deal.

The point is, if it IS a big deal, I think most ppl can assume it's the "immediate" loader who is the control freak ... because they are requesting someone does it THEIR WAY and only THEIR WAY

the point is, your inability to see something from another's perspective

Yeah. I can see things from both perspectives. If you think that the specific timing of when you load the dishes is important, then you are saying that you will only do things YOUR WAY. It doesn’t matter if your way is in the am or pm.

It also doesn’t matter if it’s because of anxiety or a sensory processing thing or being bothered by a messy kitchen vs being bothered by a few minutes of inefficiency.
If you can only do things YOUR way, and you can’t compromise, then you are not being a good partner, and you are difficult to live with.


I mean, if you are like other people on this thread, and you do the dishes while your spouse does the laundry, then whatever. That’s life.

But if you also can’t do the laundry in the way that your partner wants you to because you deem small loads on the gentle cycle inefficient. And you can’t cook meals that your partner also likes because you have sensory processing issues. And really you can’t do anything different than your system and the way that you do it ever, then YOU are ALSO difficult, and if you are fighting about this stuff, then you are likely both anxious control freaks.