Is AM vs PM dishes a deal breaker?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes but you will get used to either always loading their dishes in the dishwasher, or having dishes sitting around when you want them to be put in the dishwasher. As is often the case, the person with higher standards is the only one bothered by this.

Although in a marriage, what can also happen is that the person with higher standards gets sick and can't do chores at all for a while, and the other partner steps up and does the dishes even though they'd rather just let them pile up and do them all at once, out of love for their partner and a desire to help them through the illness. And then when the sick partner gets better, you just continue to both put dishes in the dishwasher as they get dirty because it's not that hard and is a form of care for your home and each other.

Marriage isn't really about dishes, is what I'm saying.

This would be ideal.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

+1

I am the earlier "waiter" poster, and I love these response - doing a better job at what I was trying to point out! If this is an area that you struggle to find compromise on in your marriage - then it's due to the controlling of the DTRN spouses inability to see their spouses perspecitive. The DTRN spouse thinks it's their way or the highway. That doesnt make a good marriage in the long run

How is the “I have to wait until later” spouse compromising? By letting their partner do their dishes?
That’s not a compromise.

you really seem obtuse. The compromise isn't restricted to JUST dishes. The compromise is that I DONT WANT TO DO THE DISHES NOW (I would like to do it once in the evening time) AND I DONT HAVE TO JUSTIFY THE WHY TO YOU, and to force me to do it NOW just because YOU want me to is to ask something of me that I don't want to do. That will build a hell of resentment and bad marriage if this is how a spouse handles life.

If dishes is the hill my partner wants to die on, and has an adult conversation with me about their extreme preferences around dishes, then yes, I would respect this and do them now as they would like but would most likely have to cut back in other areas that I handle. Its a give and take. There is only so much that can be done in a day.

Fortunately my partner respects my choices, and they handle the dishes because they do want them cleaned NOW, instead of nagging me about it. Sometimes they dont get to it, and I handle it all at the end of the day. They are adult enough to recognize it's a extreme preference that they have and I am my own person. And I handle other areas of the household that I have stronger convictions on such as laundry, the bathroom, gardening, gifts for families, etc. instead of nagging partner to DO IT MY WAY.

we work to our strengths, we dont force our partner to DO IT MY WAY because MY WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY.

[Anonymous]

Not for me, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

+1

I am the earlier "waiter" poster, and I love these response - doing a better job at what I was trying to point out! If this is an area that you struggle to find compromise on in your marriage - then it's due to the controlling of the DTRN spouses inability to see their spouses perspecitive. The DTRN spouse thinks it's their way or the highway. That doesnt make a good marriage in the long run

How is the “I have to wait until later” spouse compromising? By letting their partner do their dishes?
That’s not a compromise.

you really seem obtuse. The compromise isn't restricted to JUST dishes. The compromise is that I DONT WANT TO DO THE DISHES NOW (I would like to do it once in the evening time) AND I DONT HAVE TO JUSTIFY THE WHY TO YOU, and to force me to do it NOW just because YOU want me to is to ask something of me that I don't want to do. That will build a hell of resentment and bad marriage if this is how a spouse handles life.

If dishes is the hill my partner wants to die on, and has an adult conversation with me about their extreme preferences around dishes, then yes, I would respect this and do them now as they would like but would most likely have to cut back in other areas that I handle. Its a give and take. There is only so much that can be done in a day.

Fortunately my partner respects my choices, and they handle the dishes because they do want them cleaned NOW, instead of nagging me about it. Sometimes they dont get to it, and I handle it all at the end of the day. They are adult enough to recognize it's a extreme preference that they have and I am my own person. And I handle other areas of the household that I have stronger convictions on such as laundry, the bathroom, gardening, gifts for families, etc. instead of nagging partner to DO IT MY WAY.

we work to our strengths, we dont force our partner to DO IT MY WAY because MY WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY.

Np here. This isn't a compromise. This is your partner agreeing to take on a task so they don't have to deal with your childishness in this area

[Anonymous]

The dishes alone wouldn't be a deal breaker but the attitude behind it would be.

I broke up with my boyfriend over his lack of consideration. He was inconsiderate in other areas not just dishes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Dirty, smelly dishes in the sink all day is so gross. I would be so embarrassed if someone stopped by my house and my kitchen looked like that.

+1 it's also a good way to attract pests.
It also just selfish and says that you think your time is more important than your spouse's.
And to the pp who posted some bs about leaving dirty dishes because family time I'm sorry it takes maybe 10 minutes max to load the dishwasher and wipe down the kitchen.
Less time if you clean while you prep.

And your kids can help. You do it together as family. It's good for them to learn anyway.
In my experience the waiters grew up e mom's who did everything for them so it's a hassle to do any sort of chore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

+1

I am the earlier "waiter" poster, and I love these response - doing a better job at what I was trying to point out! If this is an area that you struggle to find compromise on in your marriage - then it's due to the controlling of the DTRN spouses inability to see their spouses perspecitive. The DTRN spouse thinks it's their way or the highway. That doesnt make a good marriage in the long run

How is the “I have to wait until later” spouse compromising? By letting their partner do their dishes?
That’s not a compromise.

you really seem obtuse. The compromise isn't restricted to JUST dishes. The compromise is that I DONT WANT TO DO THE DISHES NOW (I would like to do it once in the evening time) AND I DONT HAVE TO JUSTIFY THE WHY TO YOU, and to force me to do it NOW just because YOU want me to is to ask something of me that I don't want to do. That will build a hell of resentment and bad marriage if this is how a spouse handles life.

If dishes is the hill my partner wants to die on, and has an adult conversation with me about their extreme preferences around dishes, then yes, I would respect this and do them now as they would like but would most likely have to cut back in other areas that I handle. Its a give and take. There is only so much that can be done in a day.

Fortunately my partner respects my choices, and they handle the dishes because they do want them cleaned NOW, instead of nagging me about it. Sometimes they dont get to it, and I handle it all at the end of the day. They are adult enough to recognize it's a extreme preference that they have and I am my own person. And I handle other areas of the household that I have stronger convictions on such as laundry, the bathroom, gardening, gifts for families, etc. instead of nagging partner to DO IT MY WAY.

we work to our strengths, we dont force our partner to DO IT MY WAY because MY WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY.

Well, it sounds like you will only do things your way, at your designated time, no matter what your partner’s preferences are, and if your partner doesn’t like it, then they are on their own.

I have to admit, you don’t sound like a lot of fun at parties or someone I would want to have as my only sexual partner…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

+1

I am the earlier "waiter" poster, and I love these response - doing a better job at what I was trying to point out! If this is an area that you struggle to find compromise on in your marriage - then it's due to the controlling of the DTRN spouses inability to see their spouses perspecitive. The DTRN spouse thinks it's their way or the highway. That doesnt make a good marriage in the long run

How is the “I have to wait until later” spouse compromising? By letting their partner do their dishes?
That’s not a compromise.

you really seem obtuse. The compromise isn't restricted to JUST dishes. The compromise is that I DONT WANT TO DO THE DISHES NOW (I would like to do it once in the evening time) AND I DONT HAVE TO JUSTIFY THE WHY TO YOU, and to force me to do it NOW just because YOU want me to is to ask something of me that I don't want to do. That will build a hell of resentment and bad marriage if this is how a spouse handles life.

If dishes is the hill my partner wants to die on, and has an adult conversation with me about their extreme preferences around dishes, then yes, I would respect this and do them now as they would like but would most likely have to cut back in other areas that I handle. Its a give and take. There is only so much that can be done in a day.

Fortunately my partner respects my choices, and they handle the dishes because they do want them cleaned NOW, instead of nagging me about it. Sometimes they dont get to it, and I handle it all at the end of the day. They are adult enough to recognize it's a extreme preference that they have and I am my own person. And I handle other areas of the household that I have stronger convictions on such as laundry, the bathroom, gardening, gifts for families, etc. instead of nagging partner to DO IT MY WAY.

we work to our strengths, we dont force our partner to DO IT MY WAY because MY WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY.

“ The compromise is that I DONT WANT TO DO THE DISHES NOW (I would like to do it once in the evening time) AND I DONT HAVE TO JUSTIFY THE WHY TO YOU, and to force me to do it NOW just because YOU want me to is to ask something of me that I don't want to do. “


How exactly are you compromising here?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

+1

I am the earlier "waiter" poster, and I love these response - doing a better job at what I was trying to point out! If this is an area that you struggle to find compromise on in your marriage - then it's due to the controlling of the DTRN spouses inability to see their spouses perspecitive. The DTRN spouse thinks it's their way or the highway. That doesnt make a good marriage in the long run

How is the “I have to wait until later” spouse compromising? By letting their partner do their dishes?
That’s not a compromise.

you really seem obtuse. The compromise isn't restricted to JUST dishes. The compromise is that I DONT WANT TO DO THE DISHES NOW (I would like to do it once in the evening time) AND I DONT HAVE TO JUSTIFY THE WHY TO YOU, and to force me to do it NOW just because YOU want me to is to ask something of me that I don't want to do. That will build a hell of resentment and bad marriage if this is how a spouse handles life.

If dishes is the hill my partner wants to die on, and has an adult conversation with me about their extreme preferences around dishes, then yes, I would respect this and do them now as they would like but would most likely have to cut back in other areas that I handle. Its a give and take. There is only so much that can be done in a day.

Fortunately my partner respects my choices, and they handle the dishes because they do want them cleaned NOW, instead of nagging me about it. Sometimes they dont get to it, and I handle it all at the end of the day. They are adult enough to recognize it's a extreme preference that they have and I am my own person. And I handle other areas of the household that I have stronger convictions on such as laundry, the bathroom, gardening, gifts for families, etc. instead of nagging partner to DO IT MY WAY.

we work to our strengths, we dont force our partner to DO IT MY WAY because MY WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY.

Well, it sounds like you will only do things your way, at your designated time, no matter what your partner’s preferences are, and if your partner doesn’t like it, then they are on their own.

I have to admit, you don’t sound like a lot of fun at parties or someone I would want to have as my only sexual partner…

Since you keep bringing up sex…

What if one spouse thinks that in a marriage you should have sexual intercourse every single night? But the other spouse prefers to have sex when they feel like it? If spouse 2 REFUSES to have sex every night despite spouse 1’s very strong feelings that sex every night is the correct way to maintain a marriage, what would you say? Do you think spouse 1 coercing spouse 2 into have sex every night whether they want to or not is equally as “controlling” as spouse 2 telling spouse 1 they can either wait for sex until spouse 2 is in the mood or they can go jerk off (i.e. do it themselves) if it is so critical it happen every night?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

+1

I am the earlier "waiter" poster, and I love these response - doing a better job at what I was trying to point out! If this is an area that you struggle to find compromise on in your marriage - then it's due to the controlling of the DTRN spouses inability to see their spouses perspecitive. The DTRN spouse thinks it's their way or the highway. That doesnt make a good marriage in the long run

How is the “I have to wait until later” spouse compromising? By letting their partner do their dishes?
That’s not a compromise.

you really seem obtuse. The compromise isn't restricted to JUST dishes. The compromise is that I DONT WANT TO DO THE DISHES NOW (I would like to do it once in the evening time) AND I DONT HAVE TO JUSTIFY THE WHY TO YOU, and to force me to do it NOW just because YOU want me to is to ask something of me that I don't want to do. That will build a hell of resentment and bad marriage if this is how a spouse handles life.

If dishes is the hill my partner wants to die on, and has an adult conversation with me about their extreme preferences around dishes, then yes, I would respect this and do them now as they would like but would most likely have to cut back in other areas that I handle. Its a give and take. There is only so much that can be done in a day.

Fortunately my partner respects my choices, and they handle the dishes because they do want them cleaned NOW, instead of nagging me about it. Sometimes they dont get to it, and I handle it all at the end of the day. They are adult enough to recognize it's a extreme preference that they have and I am my own person. And I handle other areas of the household that I have stronger convictions on such as laundry, the bathroom, gardening, gifts for families, etc. instead of nagging partner to DO IT MY WAY.

we work to our strengths, we dont force our partner to DO IT MY WAY because MY WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY.

Well, it sounds like you will only do things your way, at your designated time, no matter what your partner’s preferences are, and if your partner doesn’t like it, then they are on their own.

I have to admit, you don’t sound like a lot of fun at parties or someone I would want to have as my only sexual partner…

Since you keep bringing up sex…

What if one spouse thinks that in a marriage you should have sexual intercourse every single night? But the other spouse prefers to have sex when they feel like it? If spouse 2 REFUSES to have sex every night despite spouse 1’s very strong feelings that sex every night is the correct way to maintain a marriage, what would you say? Do you think spouse 1 coercing spouse 2 into have sex every night whether they want to or not is equally as “controlling” as spouse 2 telling spouse 1 they can either wait for sex until spouse 2 is in the mood or they can go jerk off (i.e. do it themselves) if it is so critical it happen every night?

Yes.
I don’t think that either of those people sound like they are trying hard to be very good partners. Do you?

[Anonymous]

I can't even imagine someone leaving regular dishes in the sink. Those go immediately into the dishwasher. Even my 4 year old can do it.

We occasionally will leave a pot or a knife (fancy knives don't go in the dishwasher) in the sink overnight. Usually to soak them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't even imagine someone leaving regular dishes in the sink. Those go immediately into the dishwasher. Even my 4 year old can do it.

We occasionally will leave a pot or a knife (fancy knives don't go in the dishwasher) in the sink overnight. Usually to soak them.

That’s disgusting. I could NEVER live with pigs like you leaving your kitchen filthy all night. It takes one minute to wash a pot, max.

/s

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Is the uptight control freak the one who puts dishes in the dishwasher as they happen or the one who has to let everything wait until morning?
Both of these people sound like uptight control freaks to me.

OP, stuff like this isn’t a big deal in most marriages.

Whoever would be so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer is the uptight control freak. And unless the person who wants to wait prevents the person who wants it done right away from doing it right away, it’s obvious who is who.

I mean, aren’t they both so passionate that their way is the only correct way to the point that the dishes schedule or lack thereof could be a relationship killer?
I mean, the person who wants to wait is preventing the person who wants it done from having a clean kitchen.
I can go either way with this, but I don’t really see how the person who wants it done is preventing the other person from anything at all.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t want to be with either of these people.

Because one person (the person who wants it done right away) feels entitled to MAKE the other person comply with their wishes - active - controlling. The other person (presumably) is not trying to MAKE first person do or not do anything - passive - not controlling.

The passive person is making their spouse either do all of the dishes always or live in a dirty space.

I don’t know. It seems crazy to me. Why wouldn’t you just try to do the thing that makes your spouse happy? Even if it takes an extra two minutes?

Somehow, I don’t think that either of these people are very good in bed.

I think you just fundamentally misunderstand what the word “make” means in this context. Do them right now spouse can either do the dishes right now if it bothers them, or they can accept that the dishes will be done later when do them later spouse gets to them. Do them later spouse is not forcing either choice on do them right now spouse. But do them right now spouse wants to force the do them right now option onto do them later spouse. So in scenario 1 there are two options for DTRN spouse (do them yourself OR get over it) but in scenario 2 there is only ONE option for DTL spouse (do them right now AND get over it).

+1

I am the earlier "waiter" poster, and I love these response - doing a better job at what I was trying to point out! If this is an area that you struggle to find compromise on in your marriage - then it's due to the controlling of the DTRN spouses inability to see their spouses perspecitive. The DTRN spouse thinks it's their way or the highway. That doesnt make a good marriage in the long run

How is the “I have to wait until later” spouse compromising? By letting their partner do their dishes?
That’s not a compromise.

you really seem obtuse. The compromise isn't restricted to JUST dishes. The compromise is that I DONT WANT TO DO THE DISHES NOW (I would like to do it once in the evening time) AND I DONT HAVE TO JUSTIFY THE WHY TO YOU, and to force me to do it NOW just because YOU want me to is to ask something of me that I don't want to do. That will build a hell of resentment and bad marriage if this is how a spouse handles life.

If dishes is the hill my partner wants to die on, and has an adult conversation with me about their extreme preferences around dishes, then yes, I would respect this and do them now as they would like but would most likely have to cut back in other areas that I handle. Its a give and take. There is only so much that can be done in a day.

Fortunately my partner respects my choices, and they handle the dishes because they do want them cleaned NOW, instead of nagging me about it. Sometimes they dont get to it, and I handle it all at the end of the day. They are adult enough to recognize it's a extreme preference that they have and I am my own person. And I handle other areas of the household that I have stronger convictions on such as laundry, the bathroom, gardening, gifts for families, etc. instead of nagging partner to DO IT MY WAY.

we work to our strengths, we dont force our partner to DO IT MY WAY because MY WAY IS THE RIGHT WAY.

Well, it sounds like you will only do things your way, at your designated time, no matter what your partner’s preferences are, and if your partner doesn’t like it, then they are on their own.

I have to admit, you don’t sound like a lot of fun at parties or someone I would want to have as my only sexual partner…

Since you keep bringing up sex…

What if one spouse thinks that in a marriage you should have sexual intercourse every single night? But the other spouse prefers to have sex when they feel like it? If spouse 2 REFUSES to have sex every night despite spouse 1’s very strong feelings that sex every night is the correct way to maintain a marriage, what would you say? Do you think spouse 1 coercing spouse 2 into have sex every night whether they want to or not is equally as “controlling” as spouse 2 telling spouse 1 they can either wait for sex until spouse 2 is in the mood or they can go jerk off (i.e. do it themselves) if it is so critical it happen every night?

In this scenario, spouse 2 is literally telling spouse 1 that he is going to do what he wants, and if she doesn’t like it, she can go f*ck herself.
Are you really trying to say that spouse 2 is somehow compromising or trying to be a good partner?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t think this specific thing is a deal breaker, but I don’t see how you can make a relationship work with two people who are both super rigid about doing every tiny thing their way.

Someone has to give and either leave the dishes out longer or put them away sooner. If neither person can change on this small thing, then you are just going to be constantly fighting over everything.

Agreed. The real question is probably closer to can an uptight control freak ever be happy with anyone?

Or can a lazy slob ever be?

[Anonymous]

Making the decision to choose to think poorly of someone and to exaggerate makes you/anyone a horrible marriage partner.