How long to wait to get to counseling after affair discovery?

[Anonymous]

Do not limit discussions of pain that stifles healing and is very old fashioned advice there are a number of good programs you can do together on line I’d seek one out

[Anonymous]

https://healingbrokentrust.com/hbtworkshop

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the general consensus in the affair recovery world is to do individual counseling first, but you are dealing with a mad hatter situation, and so I think that makes a difference. I would say if you're both willing to do it now, then do it now. As you yourself know, your wife's feelings for the affair partner are just that . . . feelings. You can be attracted and attached to another person while also choosing to work on your marriage. Remember, the grass is greenest where you water it.

Wife has been in weekly therapy for 3.5 years but only disclosed the affair a few days ago, I’m sure she was working on other things but what a waste of time to not disclose something so major to the one person you’re paying to tell everything to.

I had been in weekly therapy for about 18 months and then dropped back to once every three weeks as we kind of ran out of things to talk about, I’ll be back to weekly for a little while now I’m sure.

I’m all in on the hard work but at this point I feel like she needs to be the one to move the process along, we have some information on EFT and Gottman, I am fine with either.

Why does she have to be the one?

Her getting counseling rolling is mostly symbolic at this point.

I have been asking for counseling for a few years now and she has never wanted to go.
Eight days ago I found a half dozen pictures and a video she saved of some guy teasing her and at the end he delivers the most solemn and sincere I love you I’ve ever seen. He speaks in a whisper in his tiny bathroom so his wife can’t hear, her products are all in the background.
The emoting I witnessed doesn’t happen unless there has been an equally intense gesture on the other side. So yeah, I’ve made it clear that we need counseling and if she wants to go she can collect a few referrals and we’ll set something up, but I’m not doing the legwork just yet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the general consensus in the affair recovery world is to do individual counseling first, but you are dealing with a mad hatter situation, and so I think that makes a difference. I would say if you're both willing to do it now, then do it now. As you yourself know, your wife's feelings for the affair partner are just that . . . feelings. You can be attracted and attached to another person while also choosing to work on your marriage. Remember, the grass is greenest where you water it.

Wife has been in weekly therapy for 3.5 years but only disclosed the affair a few days ago, I’m sure she was working on other things but what a waste of time to not disclose something so major to the one person you’re paying to tell everything to.

I had been in weekly therapy for about 18 months and then dropped back to once every three weeks as we kind of ran out of things to talk about, I’ll be back to weekly for a little while now I’m sure.

I’m all in on the hard work but at this point I feel like she needs to be the one to move the process along, we have some information on EFT and Gottman, I am fine with either.

Why does she have to be the one?

Her getting counseling rolling is mostly symbolic at this point.

I have been asking for counseling for a few years now and she has never wanted to go.
Eight days ago I found a half dozen pictures and a video she saved of some guy teasing her and at the end he delivers the most solemn and sincere I love you I’ve ever seen. He speaks in a whisper in his tiny bathroom so his wife can’t hear, her products are all in the background.
The emoting I witnessed doesn’t happen unless there has been an equally intense gesture on the other side. So yeah, I’ve made it clear that we need counseling and if she wants to go she can collect a few referrals and we’ll set something up, but I’m not doing the legwork just yet.

Yes, and — you are saying you had your own EA. First. So I think you’re just as responsible for finding a counselor and getting the ball rolling.

What exactly do you want here? If you want to go to counseling and save your marriage this is your opening. If you don’t, well, you can sit around and play games about who needs to call first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the general consensus in the affair recovery world is to do individual counseling first, but you are dealing with a mad hatter situation, and so I think that makes a difference. I would say if you're both willing to do it now, then do it now. As you yourself know, your wife's feelings for the affair partner are just that . . . feelings. You can be attracted and attached to another person while also choosing to work on your marriage. Remember, the grass is greenest where you water it.

Wife has been in weekly therapy for 3.5 years but only disclosed the affair a few days ago, I’m sure she was working on other things but what a waste of time to not disclose something so major to the one person you’re paying to tell everything to.

I had been in weekly therapy for about 18 months and then dropped back to once every three weeks as we kind of ran out of things to talk about, I’ll be back to weekly for a little while now I’m sure.

I’m all in on the hard work but at this point I feel like she needs to be the one to move the process along, we have some information on EFT and Gottman, I am fine with either.

Why does she have to be the one?

Her getting counseling rolling is mostly symbolic at this point.

I have been asking for counseling for a few years now and she has never wanted to go.
Eight days ago I found a half dozen pictures and a video she saved of some guy teasing her and at the end he delivers the most solemn and sincere I love you I’ve ever seen. He speaks in a whisper in his tiny bathroom so his wife can’t hear, her products are all in the background.
The emoting I witnessed doesn’t happen unless there has been an equally intense gesture on the other side. So yeah, I’ve made it clear that we need counseling and if she wants to go she can collect a few referrals and we’ll set something up, but I’m not doing the legwork just yet.

Guessing when you had your EA you didn’t research counselors and set up an appointment either. You could have done that and told her I’m going, hope to see you there.

You’re both responsible for getting out of the passive, it’s the other person’s fault mentality if you want to fix this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the general consensus in the affair recovery world is to do individual counseling first, but you are dealing with a mad hatter situation, and so I think that makes a difference. I would say if you're both willing to do it now, then do it now. As you yourself know, your wife's feelings for the affair partner are just that . . . feelings. You can be attracted and attached to another person while also choosing to work on your marriage. Remember, the grass is greenest where you water it.

Wife has been in weekly therapy for 3.5 years but only disclosed the affair a few days ago, I’m sure she was working on other things but what a waste of time to not disclose something so major to the one person you’re paying to tell everything to.

I had been in weekly therapy for about 18 months and then dropped back to once every three weeks as we kind of ran out of things to talk about, I’ll be back to weekly for a little while now I’m sure.

I’m all in on the hard work but at this point I feel like she needs to be the one to move the process along, we have some information on EFT and Gottman, I am fine with either.

Why does she have to be the one?

Her getting counseling rolling is mostly symbolic at this point.

I have been asking for counseling for a few years now and she has never wanted to go.
Eight days ago I found a half dozen pictures and a video she saved of some guy teasing her and at the end he delivers the most solemn and sincere I love you I’ve ever seen. He speaks in a whisper in his tiny bathroom so his wife can’t hear, her products are all in the background.
The emoting I witnessed doesn’t happen unless there has been an equally intense gesture on the other side. So yeah, I’ve made it clear that we need counseling and if she wants to go she can collect a few referrals and we’ll set something up, but I’m not doing the legwork just yet.

Guessing when you had your EA you didn’t research counselors and set up an appointment either. You could have done that and told her I’m going, hope to see you there.

You’re both responsible for getting out of the passive, it’s the other person’s fault mentality if you want to fix this.

Nope, did that two years ago and she didn’t make it past the intake session.

People treat you exactly how they feel about you, pick a therapist and I’ll be there, if you don’t then I have my answer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the general consensus in the affair recovery world is to do individual counseling first, but you are dealing with a mad hatter situation, and so I think that makes a difference. I would say if you're both willing to do it now, then do it now. As you yourself know, your wife's feelings for the affair partner are just that . . . feelings. You can be attracted and attached to another person while also choosing to work on your marriage. Remember, the grass is greenest where you water it.

Wife has been in weekly therapy for 3.5 years but only disclosed the affair a few days ago, I’m sure she was working on other things but what a waste of time to not disclose something so major to the one person you’re paying to tell everything to.

I had been in weekly therapy for about 18 months and then dropped back to once every three weeks as we kind of ran out of things to talk about, I’ll be back to weekly for a little while now I’m sure.

I’m all in on the hard work but at this point I feel like she needs to be the one to move the process along, we have some information on EFT and Gottman, I am fine with either.

Why does she have to be the one?

Her getting counseling rolling is mostly symbolic at this point.

I have been asking for counseling for a few years now and she has never wanted to go.
Eight days ago I found a half dozen pictures and a video she saved of some guy teasing her and at the end he delivers the most solemn and sincere I love you I’ve ever seen. He speaks in a whisper in his tiny bathroom so his wife can’t hear, her products are all in the background.
The emoting I witnessed doesn’t happen unless there has been an equally intense gesture on the other side. So yeah, I’ve made it clear that we need counseling and if she wants to go she can collect a few referrals and we’ll set something up, but I’m not doing the legwork just yet.

Guessing when you had your EA you didn’t research counselors and set up an appointment either. You could have done that and told her I’m going, hope to see you there.

You’re both responsible for getting out of the passive, it’s the other person’s fault mentality if you want to fix this.

Nope, did that two years ago and she didn’t make it past the intake session.

People treat you exactly how they feel about you, pick a therapist and I’ll be there, if you don’t then I have my answer.

And what are you going to do about it?

Your marriage has had issues for a very long time from the sound of it. I don’t think this is giving you new information. The question isn’t how she feels: it’s what you plan to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So the general consensus in the affair recovery world is to do individual counseling first, but you are dealing with a mad hatter situation, and so I think that makes a difference. I would say if you're both willing to do it now, then do it now. As you yourself know, your wife's feelings for the affair partner are just that . . . feelings. You can be attracted and attached to another person while also choosing to work on your marriage. Remember, the grass is greenest where you water it.

Wife has been in weekly therapy for 3.5 years but only disclosed the affair a few days ago, I’m sure she was working on other things but what a waste of time to not disclose something so major to the one person you’re paying to tell everything to.

I had been in weekly therapy for about 18 months and then dropped back to once every three weeks as we kind of ran out of things to talk about, I’ll be back to weekly for a little while now I’m sure.

I’m all in on the hard work but at this point I feel like she needs to be the one to move the process along, we have some information on EFT and Gottman, I am fine with either.

Why does she have to be the one?

Her getting counseling rolling is mostly symbolic at this point.

I have been asking for counseling for a few years now and she has never wanted to go.
Eight days ago I found a half dozen pictures and a video she saved of some guy teasing her and at the end he delivers the most solemn and sincere I love you I’ve ever seen. He speaks in a whisper in his tiny bathroom so his wife can’t hear, her products are all in the background.
The emoting I witnessed doesn’t happen unless there has been an equally intense gesture on the other side. So yeah, I’ve made it clear that we need counseling and if she wants to go she can collect a few referrals and we’ll set something up, but I’m not doing the legwork just yet.

Guessing when you had your EA you didn’t research counselors and set up an appointment either. You could have done that and told her I’m going, hope to see you there.

You’re both responsible for getting out of the passive, it’s the other person’s fault mentality if you want to fix this.

Nope, did that two years ago and she didn’t make it past the intake session.

People treat you exactly how they feel about you, pick a therapist and I’ll be there, if you don’t then I have my answer.

And what are you going to do about it?

Your marriage has had issues for a very long time from the sound of it. I don’t think this is giving you new information. The question isn’t how she feels: it’s what you plan to do.

You are correct, there are some things that never got resolved, partly because they didn’t have a solution and partly because of a mutual propensity for avoidance.
Over the past year and a half I’ve learned a lot about my communication flaws in therapy and have worked to get them out of my operating system, my wife saw my newfound communication style as “too much” and why wouldn’t she, she was having 98% of her emotional needs met by her friend online. Now that she does not have her friend the walls have come down and she’s back to sharing and acting much like she used to.

I know what I’m going to do.

Thank you all so much for your thoughtful replies.

[Anonymous]

Don't rush to therapy. First look for a good one. There are some crappy ones.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't rush to therapy. First look for a good one. There are some crappy ones.

I’ve probably read through 30!websites so far, they all sort of look the same with tranquil images, maybe a swan or two but how do you pick a good one from a bad one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don't rush to therapy. First look for a good one. There are some crappy ones.

I’ve probably read through 30!websites so far, they all sort of look the same with tranquil images, maybe a swan or two but how do you pick a good one from a bad one?

PhD or PsyD from a good program. Speciality in couples. There are very few therapists with that profile so it should narrow things down. It’s many more years of training and coursework vs LCPC or LICSW.

LFMT is a different but also good degree.

I found the ones who have Gottman certificate this or PACT that can be a bit less qualified when it comes to figuring out how individual issues play into the dynamic. It sounds like your case is more complex than “I’d like my husband to help more around the house” so you need to get someone who is an actual therapist and not someone who is going to run a generic number of steps to try and help.

You should interview a few.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here; I didn’t think it would matter but some of you have the genders reversed; my wife is the one who had the 12-15 month emotional affair.

Any change to the advice?

But you had an emotional affair first, right?

Yes, mine was first. I had a difficult time ending it, the person was very important to me, it started and ended within six months and upon its conclusion I dove headfirst into therapy. I’ve tried my best to clean up my side of the street and I’ve spent the past year and a half doing everything I can but never understood why there was a chasm between us until figured it all out. There was a three month gap between when my EA ended and hers began,


I messed up and if I deserve the beating for the dissolution of my marriage I’m fine to take it, i’m not looking to win, I don’t want her to admit her affair was worse, I really don’t care, I just want to know the best way through. We are only seven days out from discovery and she is very enthusiastic about therapy and repair but I feel like I’m about to go for a car ride with someone who just woke up from general anesthesia.

DP

If you have a good counselor they will help you sort through whatever the initial presentation/ mask is and get to the deeper issues.

It doesn’t matter how either of you present, there must be some deeper issues underlying this covert behavior on both of your parts (plus whatever dynamics are in the marriage). It’s probably in your best interest to go to a very experienced and good counselor and get to the bottom of this.

Seems that the root cause is I chose work instead of her on one too many occasions, thought I was doing the right thing by providing but choosing play at the wrong times was just as damaging.

This doesn’t make sense. Why would that lead you to have an EA and then her? This is a totally generic issue that many couples have, choosing to deal with it via infidelity is something else. Not a therapist but there’s got to be a reason why some people cheat. Seems like both of you are trying to fill a void. If you don’t address that the marriage can’t work even if there is agreement on practical arrangements.

[Anonymous]

This crappy marriage doesn't sound like something that should be saved. Put it out of its misery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here; I didn’t think it would matter but some of you have the genders reversed; my wife is the one who had the 12-15 month emotional affair.

Any change to the advice?

But you had an emotional affair first, right?

Yes, mine was first. I had a difficult time ending it, the person was very important to me, it started and ended within six months and upon its conclusion I dove headfirst into therapy. I’ve tried my best to clean up my side of the street and I’ve spent the past year and a half doing everything I can but never understood why there was a chasm between us until figured it all out. There was a three month gap between when my EA ended and hers began,


I messed up and if I deserve the beating for the dissolution of my marriage I’m fine to take it, i’m not looking to win, I don’t want her to admit her affair was worse, I really don’t care, I just want to know the best way through. We are only seven days out from discovery and she is very enthusiastic about therapy and repair but I feel like I’m about to go for a car ride with someone who just woke up from general anesthesia.

DP

If you have a good counselor they will help you sort through whatever the initial presentation/ mask is and get to the deeper issues.

It doesn’t matter how either of you present, there must be some deeper issues underlying this covert behavior on both of your parts (plus whatever dynamics are in the marriage). It’s probably in your best interest to go to a very experienced and good counselor and get to the bottom of this.

Seems that the root cause is I chose work instead of her on one too many occasions, thought I was doing the right thing by providing but choosing play at the wrong times was just as damaging.

This doesn’t make sense. Why would that lead you to have an EA and then her? This is a totally generic issue that many couples have, choosing to deal with it via infidelity is something else. Not a therapist but there’s got to be a reason why some people cheat. Seems like both of you are trying to fill a void. If you don’t address that the marriage can’t work even if there is agreement on practical arrangements.

My EA was not something I expected to happen, I was lonely at home certainly and just sort of clicked with this other person, it was intense and novel but wasn’t romantic or sexual; we never exchanged body part pictures or talked about running away together etc. My EA friend was really smart, cool and fun to talk to, my wife read a few miles of our text messages one night when I fell asleep early, there was nothing there that you could point to as inappropriate but she was most threatened by the volume of communication.

Imagine a DVR but only records the very worst moments then plays them back over and over again; how I feel about you is how you treated me an hour ago, how my wife feels about someone is how they treated her in 2014 or maybe that one time in 2001.

She keeps going back to 2018 which was an incredibly stressful year for me during which I failed to plan a trip to Italy but was able to take off four Friday/Saturdays (I work six days a week) that summer and it seems what I’ve done is unforgivable.

I sent emails to 10 counselors of various qualification and CCed her on all, we’ll see what happens next.

[Anonymous]

Seems marriage counseling is a booming business right now, so many aren’t taking new clients but one has been found after interviewing a few, first appointment is next week.
The counselor sees both of us for the first session, then each of us separately and then the following sessions are joint.

She’s been incredibly nice, open and affectionate but it feels fake and a sorta offputting, she ignored me for a year and a half and all a sudden we’re best friends?

There have been very few discussions about recent events and I shut them down when she starts; I feel like this is too big to handle on our own without a professional. Her side of conversations tend to get circular and instead of talking about what happened a month ago i’m trying to remember some event in 2015.

I really don’t know what’s left here to salvage my feelings for her have really run out and the five or six I love yous I hear from her every day get more and more unbelievable.

We’ve both traumatized the shit out of each other in different ways and I would love to put it behind us. I’m not even angry about her affair and can totally see how it happened but her near daily jabs about my EA have made me lose respect because they are so astoundingly hypocritical, I do not return fire even though I’ve come up with an easy 150 of them.

I live in the present and the future, my DW lives in the distant past, I think I know the answer but is this something marriage counselor would help with?