Reply to How long to wait to get to counseling after affair discovery?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Op here; I didn’t think it would matter but some of you have the genders reversed; my wife is the one who had the 12-15 month emotional affair.

Any change to the advice? [/quote]

But you had an emotional affair first, right?[/quote]

Yes, mine was first. I had a difficult time ending it, the person was very important to me, it started and ended within six months and upon its conclusion I dove headfirst into therapy. I’ve tried my best to clean up my side of the street and I’ve spent the past year and a half doing everything I can but never understood why there was a chasm between us until figured it all out. There was a three month gap between when my EA ended and hers began,

I messed up and if I deserve the beating for the dissolution of my marriage I’m fine to take it, i’m not looking to win, I don’t want her to admit her affair was worse, I really don’t care,  I just want to know the best way through. We are only seven days out from discovery and she is very enthusiastic about therapy and repair but I feel like I’m about to go for a car ride with someone who just woke up from general anesthesia.

[/quote]

If you have a good counselor they will help you sort through whatever the initial presentation/ mask is and get to the deeper issues.

It doesn’t matter how either of you present, there must be some deeper issues underlying this covert behavior on both of your parts (plus whatever dynamics are in the marriage). It’s probably in your best interest to go to a very experienced and good counselor and get to the bottom of this. [/quote]

Seems that the root cause is I chose work instead of her on one too many occasions, thought I was doing the right thing by providing but choosing play at  the wrong times was just as damaging. [/quote]

This doesn’t make sense. Why would that lead you to have an EA and then her? This is a totally generic issue that many couples have, choosing to deal with it via infidelity is something else. Not a therapist but there’s got to be a reason why some people cheat. Seems like both of you are trying to fill a void. If you don’t address that the marriage can’t work even if there is agreement on practical arrangements. [/quote]

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